It’s time to breakup with that toxic family member
We don’t just breakup with our romantic partners, sometimes it’s necessary to breakup with family members too.
by: E.B. Johnson
We all come to a moment in life when we realize that it’s time to cut ties with someone that we once loved. But what do we do when that person is a member of our family? Sometimes, our family is just downright toxic. Whether they drain us, undermine us, or make us feel unworthy, sad and small — keeping them around takes away from who we are, and takes a serious toll on our mental and emotional health.
Toxic people are dangerous, and that’s especially true when they are family. Poisonous and abusive family ties are dangerous to our inner peace and they’re dangerous to our self-esteem. If you’re someone with a number of toxic family relationships, then a major part of your growing up requires learning how to cut these ties in return for ones more truly aligned to your hope and happiness. If you truly want to find joy in this life, we have to learn how to separate ourselves from those who detract from who we are. This is especially true when it comes to our families.
When family turns toxic.
Though we’ve all been sold the picture of a perfect family behind the picket fence, life is such that things rarely turn out that way. Families are complex and dynamic and, just like our closest friendships and relationships, they can become toxic and self-defeating. Part of growing up is learning how to spot these toxic relationships, even within our own families, and remove it from our lives so that we can be happy again.
We grow up in a fold, believing we must love and protect the people who form our origin story, no matter what. While the things that we believe in childhood are powerful, they don’t necessarily hold true as we move on to the second, third and fourth stages of our lives. We love our families. We trust them. We listen to them. We keep their secrets and hold them in our hearts even when it kills us a little each and every day. We accept the baggage our family throws at us with wide-eyed innocence because we still believe in the childhood lies that blood family trumps everything. As children that might be true, but things change.
At some point we grow up; meaning we can also outgrow the people that we once needed. Beliefs change and attitudes realign and before you know it, you have nothing in common with the people that helped make you what you are. The pressure to stay loyal to family is immense, but love and loyalty are not the same thing. We mistake loyalty for submission and that keeps us stuck in the relationships that no longer serve us. In order to become adults capable of controlling our own destinies, we have to stop answering to the people who wound us…even when those people are a part of our family.
Signs it’s time to cut them out.
There are a number of major signs that could signal a toxic family member in your orbit. Though we don’t always like to acknowledge it, family that drains our energy, or family that causes us to revert to fear and insecurity, is family that is harmful to our mental and emotional wellbeing. It’s not always easy to spot these behaviors, however, so it’s important to be radically honest when assessing any relationships intimately.
An absolute drain
Spending a lot of time with anyone can leave you feeling drained or needing some alone time, but toxic family members will leave you feeling especially zapped. Feelings of dread, or absolute mental and emotional exhaustion, are indications that something toxic is stirring between you and the other party. These feelings can be especially magnified if you’re an introvert or someone who is struggling with their mental and emotional health.
Overthinking and avoidance
If every interaction with a specific family member leaves you overthinking, or if you find yourself avoiding them at every available opportunity — it might be a sign that’s it’s time to create some space between you and that person. When it comes to family, we should feel a sense of connection, and a sense of ease and belonging. Our brains send us powerful signals when something’s amiss or something isn’t good for us, and this includes interactions with our closest family members. If someone gives you an “icky” feeling, embrace that feeling and analyze it for what it is.
Never apologizing
Screwing up happens, no matter who you are and no matter how hard you try not to. Life moves fast, and there’s a lot of ups and downs and obstacles to overcome, and it’s never possible to see things entirely for what they are. When we make a mistake, it’s important to embrace it and learn from it, but the toxic family member can’t do this. They are unable to apologize, and they are unable to take responsibility for the wrongs they have committed. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they get a free pass on being a decent human.
Can’t be yourself
We should be comfortable around the people that make up our social circles, and that’s especially true for our family. You should never feel as though you can’t completely be yourself around your family. Though you might not share every intimate experience with them, it’s important that you don’t feel cornered into pretending you’re someone you’re not. This includes engaging in behaviors and activities that go against your personal values, or taking on beliefs or mannerisms that aren’t like you.
Inability to learn
Everyone makes mistakes, but good people are those who learn from their mistakes in order to better themselves across the experiences of their future. If you’ve found yourself in the company of a family member who continues to make the same mistakes (from laziness more than anything else), you’re dealing with someone who will always prioritize their own self-interests over those of the people around them. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they can’t be selfish and harmful.
Danger, danger, danger
When a family member becomes dangerous, either mentally or physically, it’s time to create space or cut them out of your life entirely. Though we all have pain in our pasts, inflicting pain on others is a conscious choice. Family members with explosive anger issues, as well as family that continues to maliciously backbite, undermine or otherwise seek to destroy your happiness — is family that is dangerous to your safety and authentic sense of self.
How to breakup with a toxic family member.
It’s not enough to simply identify a toxic family member. Once you know who they are and how they affect you, you have to make a plan of action in order to safeguard your own physical, mental and emotional safety.
1. Create some space
Cutting out a toxic family member isn’t an overnight affair. It’s a long road, with lots of twist and turns, and it takes some nuanced navigating to make it work successfully. We all choose how we allow ourselves to be treated, and we make those choices through the setting and communication of boundaries. When those boundaries are violated — time and time again — however, you have to take a step back and start creating the space you need to feel safe, secure and respected once more.
Identify the family member that’s causing you pain, and pinpoint exactly what it is within their behavior that’s injuring you or causing you to feel uneasy. Try to look at the individual (and their behavior) from a removed, distant place. If this person was not a family member, would you continue to put yourself in their presence? The only way to get the honest answers that you need is to put some space between yourself and this other person.
That’s not to say you can just stop calling and just stop showing up. When it comes to family, we can be closely tied and have a lot of obligations that keep us travelling forever in one another’s orbit. If this is the case, work hard simply to get more time to yourself. If you live with this person, take a few minutes to get out of the house each day. Go on a short walk that allows you to create just few minutes of your own quiet universe. By clawing out this space for ourselves, we can better clarify how we need to proceed with the family member that’s keep us scared and chained to our unhappiness.
2. Consider your role
When we’re stuck in the grips or orbit of a toxic family member, it can be hard too see the power and choices that we have — but they remain nonetheless. As humans, we are in control of how we react to the situations and experiences in our lives, and we’re also in control of how we act and what we allow in our presence. When we accept this, we can re-envision the role we play within these toxic relationships, and empower ourselves to get free and find our true and authentic joy once more.
Take a second look at your situation and consider the role you’re playing in this toxic relationship. While you are never at fault for the abuse or belittlement received from another person, you do have to accept the power you have in a situation. Only when you embrace this power can you use it, but that means stepping up, taking charge and letting the other person know you will no longer put up with their poor behavior and disregard.
Really look at the full scope of your own actions within the sitaution. If there’s any behavior you’re engaging in that could be making things more tense, lock it down, and look for better ways to resolve the issues that keep coming up time and time again. Getting clarity on things is what helps us to heal, and it’s what helps us to learn and grow and transform. Look at the full scope of everything that’s going on, and use that to gain the clarity you need to move forward with what you need confidently.
3. Let go of your need for an apology
Consider a time that an acquaintance treated you bad. Really, really bad. Did you wait around for them to miraculously apologize to you? Or did you cut your losses and walk away? Odds are, you walked away when a friendship became too harmful. So why don’t we apply these rules to our family? Often, it’s because we’re waiting for an apology.
It would be great to get an apology every time someone hurt us, but that’s not reality. The reality is that toxic people don’t apologize — because they think that they have nothing to apologize for.
An inherent part of being toxic is refusing to look at your own mistakes, or take responsibility for the pain you’ve caused. Sometimes, apologies just never come. While that’s hurtful, when we come to accept our worth we can also come to realize that we don’t need someone else’s apology in order to forgive and move on.
4. Drop all the excuses
Toxic people are like cancerous growths. They spread until they affect every aspect of our lives, and they destroy us if we don’t cut them out. Though there are a number of things you can try to patch things up with a toxic family member, sometimes you have to just drop the excuses and accept things for what they are.
You have to be honest when it comes to walking away from someone who is destructive to your life or peace of mind. Ask yourself what you want from the relationships and then be brutally honest about what you’re actually receiving from the relationship.
Even in the midst of a storm, we know when we have the support of authentic love. Stop making excuses and stop ignoring all the stress, exhaustion and things you just can’t find the courage to say. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s isn’t. You shouldn’t feel exhausted every time you leave your mother’s house. You shouldn’t feel sad, scared, confused or self-loathing every time you tell your in-laws “goodbye”. Make the right decisions for you, and let go of the excuses.
5. Stretch the cord and cut it
All avenues of resolution exhausted, it’s time to remove the toxic family member from your life. There isn’t a one-step, fix-all solution for this process, so it’s important to tread carefully. Rather than just slamming the door shut, a phase-out approach can be a more peaceful way to accomplish the same results.
Ending a toxic relationship can be dramatic, especially if it involves an over-the-top family member. If you’ve made the decision to cut someone off, try avoiding the dramatics by slowing phasing out contact with them, letting the relationship fizzle out naturally on its own.
Avoid contact with the person as much as possible, but when you are forced to interact: keep it civil and brief. Eventually, they’ll take the hint and do what you don’t want to do — walk away. Stop forcing the warmth. Stop forcing the care and stop forcing yourself to stick around when you just want to run screaming. Prepare yourself and phase them out. Sometimes, the slow burn is the best one.
6. Give yourself a deadline
While some manage to walk away from the people that hurt them “cold turkey”, cutting out the toxic isn’t always that simple. If you’re finding it hard, then give yourself a deadline and commit to reassessing how you feel when that deadline is up.
Pick a day. It can be a week, a month or even six months into the future. Honestly and openly assess your relationship during this time and work hard to improve it in any way that you can. At the end of that window? Stop. Respect yourself enough to recognize when things aren’t working out.
When your deadline comes, take a step back and reconsider where you’re at with the other person. If things haven’t gotten better, practice some self-respect and self-love by walking away and finding yourself again. You don’t need people in your life that make you feel small or less worthy than you are. And there’s no rule in any book that says you have to keep anyone in your life. Set a deadline and when that deadline is up, cut out the cancer and move on.
7. Deal with family fallout
Cutting one family member out can (understandably) lead to fallout with other family members. Though you might see the behavior of a parent or a sibling as hurtful, not everyone else will see things that way. Part of getting rid of one toxic family member is dealing with any of the fallout that might come along with such a bold and transformative process.
Take time to communicate with your other family members, and let them know exactly where you’re coming from. While you don’t have to share the full extent of your feelings, it’s fair to let them in on your perspective and it’s fair to let them know where you’re head’s at.
Express yourself open and honestly. Let your family know that the decision you made is not one that came from malice, but from a need of self-preservation. We’re all just doing the best that we know how to do, but that doesn’t mean we are entitled to leave ourselves in toxic or dangerous situations. Tell your other family members this, and tell them too that everything will work out for the better.
8. Lean into your support system
Substituting our unhealthy relationships for the ones that better suit our lifestyles is a great way to cut ties and get rid of the toxic people in your life. It can be helpful to allow your attention center on the healthy relationships that bring joy into your life, rather than the ones that attract nothing but negativity.
Get comfortable talking about how you feel, and find a friend you can trust that is willing to listen to you vent. Let them know exactly how the breakup is still causing you to struggle and let them know you need a willing shoulder (and a willing ear) to listen to you on a regular basis.
The family and chosen family we surround ourselves is important, and can be especially important when it comes to creating the lives we want. If you’re struggling to let go of a toxic family member, re-establishing abandoned ties with your own outside support networks can be a great way to get back in contact with who you are. This is because our relationships allow us to get a better grip in our perspective. And that makes all the difference when it comes to fulfillment and joy.
Putting it all together…
When it comes to toxic family members, sometimes the best thing we can do is breakup with them and cut them out. That’s not exactly a straight-forward process, however, and it’s one that requires a lot of introspection from us. Our family can be toxic in a number of ways, but it’s up to us to identify those issues and deal with them in the way that is best for us. Only when you understand the behavior and patterns that keep injuring your pride, can you form an approach that will help keep you safe, happy and thriving in this increasingly chaotic world.
Create some space between yourself and the toxic family member, and let go of your desperate need for an apology. Consider the role you play in your own happiness, and consider the actions you can realistically take in order to protect your own wellbeing. Honestly evaluate how you’re feeling and why you’re allowing yourself to be treated with less kindness or respect than you deserve. At some point, we have to decide how we will allow others treat us. If you can communicate with this family member, do so, and let them know that you’ll no longer accept treatment that is not aligned with your own self-respect. Stretch the cord that ties you to their toxic behavior, and cut it when it becomes clear that they are not willing to change their actions. Deal with any family fallout that might ensue, and lean into your outside support networks that can provide the peace and support you need in this trying time. True family is chosen, not just born. Embrace them and allow them accompany you on this crazy ride that is life.
