How to heal after the loss of a relationship

So your relationship didn’t work out. These are some practical steps you can take to help the healing begin.

by: E.B. Johnson

They say that the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, and that certainly holds true for our relationships. None of us plans on a relationship breakdown. Nonetheless, we find ourselves right in the middle of them time and time again, as we struggle to find the right person who meets our physical and emotional needs. At first our connections thrive, and then they break down. Why can’t we keep our relationships alive? How can we heal after the loss of something so important to us?

Not every relationship works out, and that’s okay. Every single person in the world isn’t a good fit for us. When we find ourselves facing someone who isn’t right for us, we have to find the grace and dignity to let go. Then we have to find the courage and inspiration to move on. The loss of a relationship is nothing more than a moment in time. Make the most of it and use it to figure out what you truly want from life and from all the experiences that fill you up with love and joy.

Some relationships aren’t supposed to work.

Try as we might to play by all the rules, our relationships hit walls sometimes and experience conflict that’s beyond resolution. We’re not meant to stick it out with every partner that we choose for ourselves, and that’s okay. Some partners are only for a moment, and some are for a season. What we’re really looking for is that person who will accept us and stand by us no matter what, but to get there we have to allow ourselves to build and break a time or two.

Some relationships aren’t supposed to work. They are temporary; there to teach us a lesson about ourselves, or what we really want (or don’t want) from a long-term partner. We don’t bring home every piece of clothing we try on. That doesn’t mean we don’t reach for the rack and try out something that intrigues us.

Accepting the impermanence of our relationships is powerful, but it doesn’t always soften the blow when we find the person we love walking away. When the fairy tale ends, getting through requires that we dig deep and embrace our new realities and the complex emotions we’re experiencing. Only then can we pick ourselves up start to reform the visions of a future that we built for ourselves once upon a time. Happiness is not a state that’s dependent on another single person. It’s a state that lives within us.

What happens when our relationships end.

The ending of a relationship can be, in many ways, a death of sorts. It’s the end to the plans you were making, and it often signals a drastic about-face on our own paths. When our relationships breakdown, we find ourselves facing insecurity, uncertainty, and even a loss of the social groups and support networks which once brought us so much fulfillment.

Endless insecurity

One of the most common side effects of a breakup is insecurity. You start to question yourself. What did I do wrong? Will I ever find love again? Am I lovable at all? Relationship breakdowns can cause you to doubt yourself and doubt everything you ever knew or believed about love and connection. Breakups make us insecure, and while that’s natural — it’s not healthy. We have to combat this insecurity, but the answer isn’t staying somewhere you aren’t happy or wanted. To battle insecurity, you have to use self-esteem and self-compassion.

Loss of social scene

Long-term relationships involve an intertwining of our lives that expands across many fronts. We’re meshing our intimate lives, and with that comes the merging of families and friend groups. When your partner makes the decision to walk away, a great portion of this family and friend group can ride off into the night with them. Losing a partner isn’t always just about losing one person that we love. It can involve becoming alienated from the people you once called a part of your social scene.

Deconstructed family

Have you and your partner started building a family together? This can make the breakdown process even more complicated. That’s because a breakdown in this situation no longer involves only the feelings of you and your partner. Children become involved and even in-laws can find themselves emotionally affected. Negative emotions can build up all around and you can find a total deconstruction of the family unit you once knew and loved.

Complex anger issues

There’s no way to exit a relationship without some kind of negative or uncomfortable emotion. These can range from mild to extreme, but anger is often a part of the mix. On the extreme end, these angry feelings can turn into complex anger issues that trouble future relationships and your sense of self. This anger bubbles out inward and outward manifestations of resentment and subsequent self-loathing that takes a toll on the way you connect in the future.

Detachment from self

The breakdown of a relationship is — in its own way — a death; both of our expectations and of self. You become a different person in the wake of a serious breakup, and while that can move us in a healing direction, it can also lead to a detachment from self. You may experience a loss of interest and feelings of hopelessness. You may come to see yourself as unlovable or too broken to go on. All of these are mistruths meant to punish us for someone else’s choice. It’s pointless.

Loss of opportunity

Although we don’t often consider it, the ending of a relationship can very well end in a major loss of opportunity. If the breakup results in a major move, or the resignation of a career, then you could find that you also suffer a great loss in opportunity. You’ve missed the opportunity to better, but you may also have to say goodbye to important aspects of your former life. In the long run, however, we can often find that these major shifts make room for something better to come into our lives.

Ruined reputations

The breakdown of a relationship is rarely peaceful, as there’s a lot of pain and disruption that occurs on both sides (no matter who decides to leave). We lash out at one another and seek revenge in an effort to quiet our upset, but it only makes thing worse. Egos and hurt feelings can become rumors and whispers which damage one another and the reputations that you’re building for yourself. When one partner tries to tear down with the other, they may decide to use secrets and hearsay to do it.

How to recover from the loss of a long-term partnership.

The ending of a relationship is not a sign of things to come forever. People change and the things they want from a relationship change too. We have to realize this, accept it, and understand that not every partnership is meant to work out. Then we can embrace the heavy stuff and get serious about piecing our lives back together and healing ourselves from the inside out.

1. Embrace the heavy stuff

Breakups come with a lot of heavy stuff, and we’re not always the best at processing uncomfortable emotions or situations. It’s understandable. When someone walks out the door we are faced with overwhelming feelings of grief, pain, loneliness, embarrassment, and even shame. There’s a lot to work through and even more we want to run away from. Running away, though, only leads us further into pain.

You can’t avoid reality forever. While you might distract yourself or even wallow for a while, eventually you’re going to have to accept the new lay of the land. They aren’t yours anymore, and maybe they were never meant to be. Hear yourself say those words and allow yourself to feel your feelings.

Embrace the heavy stuff. Allow yourself to accept where you’re at so that you can start working toward a future that brings you joy again. You will never outrun your feelings. You won’t magically stop thinking about the anger, the pain, and the anguish that you feel. All of these heavy emotions must be embraced in order to be understood. Until you can understand them, you’ll never appreciate them and then let them go.

2. Build a new routine

Routines are highly comfortable to us and provide us with a sense of predictability that allows us to relax and let go a little. Our partners become a part of those routines, and that is part of what makes their loss so devastating. Their exit blows a major hole in the side of our own routines, leaving us adrift in confusion and chaos as we attempt to put things to rights. Getting ourselves back on track requires that we find new routines and new ways to keep going in comfort and in peace.

Establish a new routine for yourself. Break it down a day at a time. Within that day, imagine breaking everything down into 3 further segments (morning, afternoon / work, and evening). Give yourself some patterns to follow. Build up an easy system of doing things in the morning and at night that can help alleviate some of your post-breakup stress.

Be gentle with yourself in the early days. Don’t go booking yourself in for 6AM HIIT classes or morning runs with the neighborhood parents. In the early wake of your breakup, just get through the things that you must and leave out the rest. Prioritize what needs to be done and be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Emotional pain is still pain. Would you be so hard on a wounded loved one? Take your pain seriously and be kind to yourself as you heal.

3. Create new opportunities

While we tend to think of opportunity as something which life will magically bestow on us as a reward for good behavior, it’s nothing of the sort. We are the ones who make our own opportunities, and we do that by aligning our thoughts and our actions. You need to refocus yourself on the people and experiences you want to attract into your life. Then, you need to commit to a plan that can move you closer to those things.

Manifest new opportunities for yourself by being proactive in your healing. What do you want from your next relationship? What do you want from your life? Maybe you never want to be in an intimate partnership again. Maybe you do. The choice is up to you. The only thing you need to do is ensure you’re moving forward and not backward.

Meet new people. Try new things. Book yourself a trip somewhere exotic and new (post-coronavirus). You’re going to find your happiness when you start chasing it again, but that’s not going to happen when you’re wallowing and ruminating on all the pain you’re in. You’ve got to keep your eyes forward. If you extend your hand out to the world, it will extend itself back. That’s where we find the new opportunities to thrive.

4. Lean into support networks

There can be little denying the power of our support networks when heartbreak comes knocking at the door. Our friends, family, and loved ones see us in ways that we cannot accurately see ourselves. They see our strengths, but also our weaknesses too. And all the while they watch us triumph or fail in accordance to them. They often know more about us than we know about ourselves, and that’s why they can be invaluable when we’re finally ready to let go of the wrong person.

Lean into your support networks and allow them to do what they were meant to do. Reach out to friends or family that you can trust, but keep it to a select few. Everyone doesn’t need to be in the middle of your business, and you can only really process the perspectives and opinions of a small number of people at a time.

Tell them how you feel and what you’re dealing with. Share your point of view and then ask them about their own. Listen to what they have to say and take on any positive bits of encouragement or motivation, which makes you feel as though you are strong enough to stand on your own (because you are). You don’t have to take every piece of advice they offer, but it’s always helpful to open up and see someone else views things. Lean into your support networks and let them give you the encouragement you seek.

5. Reconnect with the future

One of the most powerful ways in which we can heal after the loss of a partnership is by reconnecting with our futures. We need to be excited about the path we’re taking in life. We need to be able to look forward and become motivated by the prospect of building a life which is authentically ours. It was possible for us to look to the future with joy once, and it will be again. All we need to do is create a plan that’s filled with the things we genuinely want and need.

Get motivated and excited about life again. Little-by-little build things back into your routine that reignite your passions. Did you lose touch with any friends or pastimes that once brought a sense of fun into your life? Re-establish those connections or build new ones by dipping your toe into new experiences which allow you to connect with others.

Follow your interests. Embrace the power of being single and all the options that come with it. You can now build a future that belongs entirely to you. Compromises aren’t as necessary when you’re flying independently. Enjoy having the freedom to do what you want, when you want. Look forward with excitement to all the new doors and avenues to interest and connection which are now available. Sure, life is good with a partner — but it can be great on your own too when you reconnect with your future.

Putting it all together…

The loss of an intimate relationship can be akin to a death. We lose our happiness, our future plans, and we can even detach from our sense of self. Breakups rattle and destroy the foundations that we’ve built for ourselves, but we can build new ones. We just have to dig deep and find the courage to thrive on our own terms.

Embrace the heavy stuff and know that the only way to work through everything is to actually confront your emotions. You will get yourself back to “normal” but it won’t look like it used to. Embrace your new life and the journey that you’re on. Lean into routines and rebuild your life from the ground up. Take it easy, though, and understand that you won’t get it all right at first. Recovering from a breakup is hard. Create new opportunities for connection and happiness again by getting back out into the world. Meet new people, try new things. This is what life is meant for. Continue living brightly and reach out to your support networks to do it. There are still people out there who love you and want to see you thrive. Give them what they want. Reconnect with your future and find the joy in a new and exciting path that is entirely of your making. No apologies.