This is how to confront that toxic family member
Confronting a toxic family member is never an exciting prospect, but it can be done with a little courage and understanding.
by: E.B. Johnson
There are some disagreements in this life that are too great to ignore. No matter how hard we might try to make them go away, or appear smaller than they are, the pain and discomfort grows and grows until there’s a sudden eruption and explosive conflict. Some disagreements require this conflict, and some situations are made better by the chaos that confrontation can provide. This can be especially true when it comes to family and establishing the boundaries you need to remain happy and secure.
Toxic people are dangerous, and that’s especially true when they are family. Poisonous and abusive family ties are dangerous to our inner peace and they’re dangerous to our self-esteem. If you’re someone with a number of toxic family relationships, then a major part of your growing up requires learning how to cut these ties and manage the ievitable conflict that such a separation entails. All ini the hopes that — one day — you can be more truly aligned to your hope and happiness.
When family turns toxic.
We love our families. We trust them. We listen to them. We keep their secrets and hold them in our hearts even when it kills us a little each and every day. We accept the baggage our family throws at us with wide-eyed innocence because we still believe in the childhood lies that blood-family trumps everything. Sometimes we wake up to those lies, however, and realize that some of those around us are dealing with less than our best intentions at heart.
Families are complex and dynamic and, just like our closest friendships and relationships, they can become toxic and self-defeating or contain people who just flat-out don’t like us. Part of growing up is learning how to spot these toxic relationships, even within our own families, and remove them from our lives so that we can be happy again.
Though we might mistake loyalty for submission (a fact which keepss us stuck in the relationships that no longer serve us) in order to become adults capable of controlling our own destinies, we have to stop answering to the people who wound us. This is especially true when those people are a part of our family. The pressure to stay loyal to family is immense, but love and loyalty are not the same thing. Often, the only thing that can be done to deal with a problematic loved one is to confront them, and let them know where the lines of our boundaries lie.
How you know it’s time to confront them.
There are a number of major signs that it’s time to confront the negative person in your family. Though we don’t always like to acknowledge it, family that drains our energy, or loved ones that cause us to revert to fear and insecurity, are people that is harmful to our mental and emotional wellbeing. Being related doesn’t make toxic behavior any less damaging. If anything, the opposite is true. It’s not always easy to spot these behaviors, however, so it’s important to be radically honest when assessing any relationships intimately.
Serious avoidance
An unpleasant family member can cause serious breakdowns in our relationships with other family members. Often, we get so caught up avoiding the toxic person, that we can find ourselves shutting down and missing out on other opportunities to create memories with the people we love. Our brains send us powerful signals when something’s amiss or something isn’t good for us, and this includes interactions with our closest family members. If someone gives you an “icky” feeling, embrace that feeling and analyze it for what it is.
Draining away
Spending a lot of time with anyone can leave you feeling like you need to recharge, but toxic family members will leave you feeling especially zapped. Feelings of dread, or absolute mental and emotional exhaustion, are indications that something toxic is stirring between you and the other party. These feelings can be especially magnified if you’re an introvert or someone who is struggling with their mental and emotional health.
Nothing changes
If you’ve addressed issues with a problematic family member before, but they insist on behaving in a way that violates your boundaries or other wishes you’ve expressed to them — they’re toxic. Toxic people may not know that they’re toxic, but they do know when they’re in the wrong. Individuals that refuse to change, or refuse to respect our wishes, are bad news and people that will never add to our lives (more than they detract).
Danger-zone
When a family member becomes dangerous, either mentally or physically, it’s time to create space or cut them out of your life entirely. Though we all have pain in our pasts, inflicting pain on others is a conscious choice. Family members with explosive anger issues, as well as family that continues to maliciously backbite, undermine or otherwise seek to destroy your happiness — is family that is dangerous to your safety and authentic sense of self.
Fake, fake, fake
Those who feel lost, or feel as though they are out-of-touch with who they really are, can often find themselves lashing out at those that do. If you’re facing a family member who intimidates you or makes it hard for you to be yourself, it can lead to a certain shutting down and inability to stay true in the face of your bully. it’s important that you don’t feel cornered into pretending you’re someone you’re not. This includes engaging in behaviors and activities that go against your personal values, or taking on beliefs or mannerisms that aren’t like you.
Zero responsibility
We all make mistakes in life, and though they can be painful the true secret to overcoming them is learning how to take responsibility for them, adjust and move on. A toxic family member is someone who is incapable of doing this. They take no responsibility for the part they’re playing in all the chaos they cause, and they often rely on the game of blaming others in order to avoid the responsibility they themselves should bear. It’s always someone else’s fault to the toxic family member.
Things to be aware of when facing a family fallout.
Confronting one family member can (understandably) lead to fallout with other family members. Though you might see the behavior of a parent, or a sibling, or a cousing as hurtful — not everyone else will see things that way. Part of getting rid of one toxic family member is dealing with any of the fallout that might come along with such a bold and transformative process.
Take time to communicate with your other family members, and let them know exactly what’s going on and where your thoughts are at. While you don’t have to share the full extent of your feelings, it’s fair to let them in on your perspective and it’s fair to let them know what you’re planning on doing next.
Express yourself open and honestly. Communicate clearly that the decision you’ve made to confront your problematic loved one is not a decisions that came from malice, but from a need of self-preservation. We’re all just doing our best to protect our wellbeing, but that doesn’t mean we are entitled to leave ourselves in toxic or dangerous situations. Tell your other family members this, and tell them too that everything will work out for the better.
The best ways to confront a toxic or problematic family member.
If you’ve come to the end of all considerations and still feel that confrontation is necessary, then there are a few techniques that can help make things easier. It takes effort and creativity to oust the naysayers in our life, but it can be done by keeping a few home truths in mind as we separate ourselves from their constant negativity.
1. Maintain respect (even if they don’t)
Respect is a powerful tool, and it’s one that we can lose sight of when things get heated or tense. Ultimately, we all just want to be seen and respected for who we are and what we want from life. Focusing on respect and making it the center of everything we do can help us to create an approach of compassion and calm — despite the reaction of the person we’re confronting.
Once you’ve committed to confronting the person, make respect your top priority. Take some time to consider what you want to say and the hurts you want to express. Write it out if it helps. Avoid blaming language and use only the facts. “When this thing happened…I felt…”
Expect the other person to lash out. Expect them to feel insulted or criticized. Expect the worst reaction you can imagine, and then realize that the only one that you can control is your own. Decide that you’re going to remain respectful before you tumble into a confrontation that deals with a large, and potentially explosive variable. If the only behaviors we can control are our own, they’re the only ones worth focusing on. Remain respectful, and let everything else fall on the shoulders of the other person.
2. Keep your expectations to a minimum
Don’t expect great things from your confrontation, and don’t expect the answers that you want or even a solution in the first bout. Keeping our expectations to a minimum allows us to mitigate the risk factor of our own emotional reactions, and the pain that comes with fallout. When we expect a toxic person to behave toxically — we’re not surprised when they lash out at us and try to make us feel bad. It’s a way of protecting ourselves, and a way of building up realistic goals within that confrontation.
Avoid falling into the trap of over-hyped expectations. You know who this person is (inside and out). That’s why you’ve decided to have a serious confrontation or dialogue with them. Don’t expect your words to move them like some scene in a Disney movie. Who they truly are outside of conflict is who will manifest in the face of conflict — magnified by 10.
As you’re planning what you want to say and how you want the scene to play out, keep a very real vision of the person you’re dealing with in mind. Truly toxic people aren’t moved by the threat of loss, and they’re rarely moved anywhere short of indignation by accusations and blame. Know who you’re dealing with and don’t let your best hopes get in the way of your rational and logical mind. When we’re dealing with a toxic family member, we have to stay alert and we have to stay vigilant at all times. That involves keeping our feet grounded in reality.
3. Location is key
Outside of intangible things like respect and expectations, location and timing are everything when it comes to opening up a can of worms with a problematic family member. It’s never a good idea to air your dirty laundry in public, but sometimes it’s also wise to have backups nearby. Consider the setting you want to have your discussion, and make sure you pick a time which is both suitable and uninterrupted for you both.
After making the decision to deal with your issues, take a few minutes to consider the physical setting in which you want the talk to occur. Don’t just think about your comfort or your security. Think about theirs too. No matter how problematic a person might be, ensuring that they’re also comfortable can go a long way in mitigating the nastier edges of the conflict.
If you’re dealing with a particularly nasty person, have support nearby, but don’t bring the cavalry with you to the initial peace talks. Before you escalate things or make things more complicated than they have to be, try the path of least resistance and find a private (and secure) place where you both can talk freely and without worry. None of this applies, however, if you’re dealing with someone violent or abusive (in any form). In the event of a potentially violent or explosive reaction, ensure your physical safety by enlisting the help of a professional.
4. Get it into perspective
Perspective is everything when it comes to dealing with our own inner peace and happiness, but it’s especially effective when it comes to dealing with the nastier elements (or people) of our lives. When we come into this world we’re a blank slate. We aren’t born miserable and unhappy. Considering this truth and using it confront a nasty or toxic family member can be extremely beneficial.
Stop for a moment and peel back the layers of emotions that you’re struggling to deal with. Clear your mind. Now, pull yourself away and imagine that you’re another person altogether, completely detached and watching this “nasty” person’s life from start to finish. Watch as they grow from a child to an adult, and consider the full breadth of their life experiences…the good and the bad.
More often than not, when you engage in this exercise you find that there are much more complicated factors lurking beneath the surface of your family member’s behavior. Shifting your perspective, and creating space to consider their own, allows you to access a compassion that can be truly transformative when dealing with the oncoming conflict. Ask yourself: is this person lashing out from a place of cold, reptilian hate? Or are they just hurting themselves? Giving ourselves the honest answer makes navigating conflict that much simpler.
5. Avoid the guilt and shame dance
When our pride is hurt, or we feel that our feelings have been besmirched in some way, it can compound the hurt we’re feeling and make us want to lash out or “get justice”. If this need for some sense of “right” begins to overcome your need for peaceful resolution, you can find yourself engaging in the Blame Game, which further pits you against the toxic person; and further complicates the entire quagmire of a mess.
Say what you need to say and don’t mince your words or the way you feel. Let the other person know exactly what it was that hurt you, and accept no blame from them no matter how hard they try to shift it. At the same time, avoid heaping blame on them, and avoid pursuing and underlying need to feel “avenged” or “justified” (in that way lies madness).
Really look at the full scope of your own actions within the sitaution. If there’s any behavior you’re engaging in that could be making things more tense, lock it down, and look for better ways to resolve the issues that keep coming up time and time again. Getting clarity on things is what helps us to heal, and it’s what helps us to learn and grow and transform. Look at the full scope of everything that’s going on, and use that to gain the clarity you need to move forward with what you need confidently.
6. Hold steady and bolster your boundaries
Though we often imagine confrontation to be a scary and explosive battle, rarely are we truly prepared for just how nasty the reaction can be. A toxic person who is confronted with their behavior is like a cornered animal, and they will try all sorts of intimidating and manipulating tactics to make you withdraw your complaints and “fall back in line”.
Hold tight to your boundaries, and don’t allow the confronted party to spin the conflict onto your side of the table. You know who you are and you know what you want. Stick to that, and know that no one has the right to push you out of your comfort zones (only you have the power to do that).
Be direct and be assertive. Don’t back down, and make it clear that you’re not here to compromise anymore — you’re here to get answers and resolutions that work. Be clear about what’s wrong and what you want to do moving forward. Leave enough space for them to express themselves and their desires, but let them know (in no uncertain terms) that moving forward you will safeguard your wellbeing and happiness before any other interactions with them.
7. Consider the reality
Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to make it work with a family member who is mean, belittling or otherwise unhealthy for us — things just don’t resolve the way we want them to. Some people are incapable of seeing eye-to-eye, and some people are so set in their ways that they are unwilling to compromise. Whatever their journey is, you have to focus on your own journey and put yourself first. Consider the reality. Are they worth the pain they’re causing you?
Some relationships cannot be salvaged, and some people aren’t worth the work it would take to keep them in our lives. Weigh the value they bring to your life against the conflict and heartache they cause. Is there anything they add to your journey that can outweigh the detractions their constant negativity brings?
If you’re dealing with ongoing conflict with a particularly toxic family member, space or severance might be the only option. If you’re lucky enough to be able to cut ties — do it and it cleanly. If you’re not…space might become your next best option. Work hard to get more time to yourself. Take a few minutes to get out of the house each day. Go on a short walk that allows you to create just few minutes of your own quiet universe. By clawing out this space for ourselves, we can better clarify how we need to proceed with the family member that’s keeping us scared and chained to our unhappiness.
Putting it all together…
Family dynamics are complex and nuanced, but sometimes we just don’t click with the people we’re supposed to love. When you find yourself confronted with a family member who undermines your happiness, attacks you, or otherwise makes you feel insecure and unworthy — it’s time to consider confronting them and calling them up on their behavior.
Maintain respect (no matter what) and don’t allow yourself to be sucked down into a low-blow battle of blame and belittlement that gets either party nowhere. Focus on remaining cool, calm and honest, and keep your expectations to a minimum so you don’t get whipped around by their last-minute manipulations. If you’ve decided that confrontation is the only way to manage, then choose a location that’s semi-private and comfortable for you both. Though you might be in the right, it’s still important that you try to see things from their perspective and consider the fact that they are also a complex person full of a range of emotions and thought processes. Avoid the guilt and shame dance, but hold confidently to your boundaries and know that they’re justified simply because they exist. You have a right to be who you are and you have a right to be as you are. Anyone that doesn’t like that needs to be reassessed in the space of your life.
