Stop waiting for the world to rescue you
If you want to be heal, you have to do it yourself. At the end of the day, we’re all responsible for our own salvation.
by: E.B. Johnson
They say that time heals all wounds but nothing could be further from the truth. Though time can do a lot for how we respond to heartache and trauma, time and space (in and of themselves) can offer us very little in the way of meaningful healing that leads to the authentic joy and fulfillment we’re seeking.
If you want to truly heal from the hurts and injuries that plague your past, you have to learn to take charge of your own recovery and the steps you need to take. In order to truly right the internal wrongs that keep us stuck and scared, we have switch from a level of passive engagement to active engagement where our wellbeing is concerned. Stop waiting for time to heal your wounds and heal your own wounds by learning how to step up, be present, and become the person you were always meant to be.
Why we have to be proactive about our own salvation.
Though the world can give us the perspective that we need to start healing, outside influences — on their own — are not sufficient resolvers of the trauma and heartbreak in our lives. The things that happen to us (the good and the bad) are hardwired into our brain, as are our responses to them. For true healing, you have to look toward an active, rather than a passive, role in the process and pursue it wholeheartedly.
To rely on time is to inherently take a step back from the responsibility of getting your hands dirty. “I’ll just sit back. Time will take care of it. It will all work out later.” This is an extremely toxic belief to hold, and one that will deny you opportunities to be happy time, after time, after time.
Our brains contain an adaptive information system that allows us to process experiences and turn them into meaningful learning that protects or benefits us.Because the traumas we seek to heal are associated with such an intense emotional disruptance, they can fry our hardwiring and make it hard for our brains to reconcile or make sense of the memory and the way it made us feel. For this reason, time is an insufficient healer. It takes the strength and courage of action to un-work the damage that is wreaking havoc on your happiness and your life.
When time is all you have to hold onto.
It can be shocking — realizing that you and you alone are responsible for the contentment and happiness that you seek. As children, and even as fledgling adults, we’re led to believe that just giving something space will make things feel better; but that’s just not true. While you might get better at living with your heartache, it’s still there manifesting itself in negative emotions, behaviors and attitudes that undermine every aspect of your existence.
The bare bones of it all is that you have to accept your responsibility in this life that you’ve created for yourself. Where our intimate emotions are concerned (love, hate, joy, grief) — there is no such thing as time, and no amount of healing that can occur by just ignoring those emotions or giving them space. The only way to deal with the chaos if life is to confront it. Giving things “time” only gives them the room they need to fester.
Moving forward means learning how to embrace and live with the emotions that propel us toward the future, or leave us clinging to the past. It is one thing to acknowledge past hurts, but it’s another thing to ignore them until they become the master of your life and your relationships. If you want to get real about your happiness, you have to start by accepting that more than time is needed to fix what’s going on inside. Healing can happen, but you have to acknowledge your feelings and acknowledge who and what is allowing you to hold yourself back.
How to take charge of your own healing.
The pain that lingers in our pasts does not define us, nor does facing up to is make us anymore complicit in who that person was or what they did. We all make mistakes, but the truly definitive part of the whole thing is how you capitilize on that mistake and turn it into something that can benefit both yourself and the world at large. If you want to heal, you have to kick start your own healing and this is how.
1. Be yourself despite everyone else
One of the hardest things you can do in this modern society is learn how to be yourself unapologetically. We are encouraged, from every outside aspect, to be and present ourselves as something entirely different from what we truly are. No matter who you are or how you present yourself in this life, it’s hard to dig into the meat of getting better when you’re too busy chasing someone else’s dream.
True healing is unlocked by learning how to be yourself. Reconciling ourselves to who we were first takes knowing who we are. When you can stand confidently (and proudly) before a stranger and say — this is who I am, this is where I’ve been, and this is where I’m going — that is when you have found the warrior that is ready to battle that trauma that lurks in your past.
Being yourself doesn’t mean wearing the clothes you want or dying your hair that crazy color (though those things are certainly a part of it). It means standing up for what you think, laying personal boundaries and sticking to them, and taking responsibility for the baggage in life that is of your own making. Falsity distracts us from the path. We have to drop the charade if we want to find our path and our happiness.
2. Create the person you want to be
They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can re-invent your attributes, capabilities and proclivities to fall more in-line with what makes you happy at your core. Just because you’ve always been one way does not mean you cannot be another. If you want to unlock true happiness in your life, try reinventing yourself.
Creating a new you isn’t about going out and buying a new face or a new body. It’s about reducing your emotional distress by creating a life that’s finely tuned to the things you need most to feel fulfilled. If you want to be a calmer person, start practicing calming practices in your life. If you want to stop being angry — stop being angry and align yourself with the things, activities and people that inspire you to be calm, kind and at peace.
We are all formed by our experiences, but we’re not defined by them. The traumas, heartaches and missteps that plague our lives are little more than learning lessons and map keys, directing us toward the path that can bring us authentic enlightenment and joy. If you hate who you are and what you are — change it. No one knows you better than you. No one can make you happier than you. Jump-start your healing by being re-inventing yourself.
3. Make the most out of your personality
Many of us are unhappy because our personalities keep us stumbling over hang-up’s and issues that hold us back. We don’t like who we are or how we react to certain situations, so we internalize blame, lash out with self-sabotaging behavior and scattered and impulsive decision making that only further undermines our relationships and happiness.
You can heal who you are and reach out to the person you are meant to be by piquing your personality, and taking a full inventory of how you behave now vs. how you would like to behave, respond or react in future. Only by challenging our personalities can we upgrade them; becoming more fully aware along the way of their strengths and weaknesses, needs and fears.
Ask yourself questions like, “What aspects of my personality bring me the most hardships?” or “Do my actions align with my intentions?” Focus on one feature of who you are or how you behave, and work on getting to the root of its causes before shifting into changing that aspect of your personality for good.
4. Be realistic about what love is and isn’t
There are is many different ways to love and show that love to the people around us. As humans, we thrive through connection, and love of all sorts can be one way we find that connection. Whether it’s family love, the camradery shared between friends, or a romantic partnership — learning how to love (and be loved) is an important part of the healing process.
Research has shown that healthy relationships can be good for both our physical and mental wellbeing. When we’re in love, we feel happier and warmer, but we also live longer and experience life as a more meaningful process. Part of that, however, includes learning how to let love in. It also means learning how to set boundaries and remove yourself from people who use love as a weapon and limitations as an excuse.
In order to fully recognize the depth of your capacity to give and receive love, you first have to recognize the depth of who you are and what you want. That knowledge to hand, you can be yourself and share that authentic person with others, which will lead to deep and lasting connections that allow to explore the full breadth and depth of your passion and compassion.
5. Be the boss of your own mind
Gaining control of our thoughts is one of the most radically transformative things we can do in this world of take-take-take-take. We are constantly inundated with information that tells us to think less, care less and want more, but we have to gain control of those thoughts less that are taken from us and used against our happiness and wellbeing. Gain control of your thoughts and you have control of your happiness. It’s as simple as that.
Learn how to recognize your most negative thought-loops before they get their claws in.When the sad thoughts come, ask yourself probing questions like, “What experiences are leading me to these feelings and assumptions?” or “Why am I reacting this way? Is there something bigger at play?” With answers to these questions, we can start releasing our judgements and start replacing our anxiety with gratitude.
Distract yourself with the negative thoughts start, and don’t let them take root — destroying your happiness and all the good things you’ve worked so hard to secure. When the dark thoughts get especially bad, try replacing them with positive thoughts and try to zero in on the things you’re good at or happy with. Our thoughts don’t control us. We control them. It just takes time and a little bit or creative maneuvering to realize that.
6. Find a purpose
While love might be a stepping stone to the healing we’re trying desperately to find, the true healing can only set in once we have created and clearly defined the meaning we are looking for in our lives. Having meaning is having the keys to that motivation you’re so desperately seeking. Wonder how that super-human in your life does it all? They know what their purpose is.
Meaning is little more than the thing that drives you or keeps you persevering. When you stop looking for the universe or the people around you to give you meaning, you can find it in yourself and increase your happiness by creating an experience that is authentically yours.
Seize moments every day to take hold of things that are within your power and influence. Make investments in your future by getting involved and experiencing life with your arms wide and your heart open. The only meaning in life is the meaning you create. Spend some time with yourself each and every day until you find that meaning that is entirely your own.
7. Detach from the past
Letting go of your past is critical if you’re looking to release the pain that is keeping you scared, sick and sad. When we cling to our pasts, we relive our heartaches over and over again, leaving us stuck in a negative thought pattern that tears us down from the inside out. Let go your past if you want to get better and look forward to a future that’s not beholden to the baggage of other people.
Clinging to the adversity that once was keeps you dwelling there. When we can’t let go, we find ourselves experiencing anxiety, depression and hopelessness, slipping (seemingly unconsciously) between self-destructive behavior and waves of impenetrable despair and anger at ourselves, others and the whole planet at large.
Exorcise your past by spending a little time with it each and every day. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, but let them go once they’ve had their opportunity to make themselves known. Our emotions play an important role in safeguarding our happiness, but they can lead us astray when we don’t make the effort to keep them in line. Stop playing the wallowing game a release your attachment to what was. There’s no going back; only forward.
8. Figure out the circumstances
Circumstances are everything. What’s going on around us can affect everything from how we dress to how we feel. When we’re stuck in jobs or relationships that wear us down, it makes it harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it actually makes it harder to access the healing we need in order to find our happiness again.
Some circumstances are out of our control, but some aren’t. A critical part of stepping up to take responsibility of your healing is stepping into different circumstances. What are the little things about you right now that you can change in order to start feeling better? When you fully consider all the options and perspectives, the answer might surprise you.
Our emotional healing requires action. While some things in our orbit are beyond our control, controlling our emotions is not. For every pain, every catastrophe, there is often a silver-lining that can be gleaned — even if it’s only a small lesson to carry with us to the next stop. If you don’t like your life the way it is, change circumstances. Start small and work your way up. While time doesn’t heal all wounds, it does help us take on the healing we so desperately need one day at a time.
Putting it all together…
Life is full of up’s and down’s, twists and turns, and lots of disappointments and missteps along the way. No matter how hard we try to live the perfect life, bad things happen, and when those bad things happen we have to look to ourselves for the healing we need. While they might say time heals all wounds, it takes a more active approach to overcome the negative effects of our emotional trauma and debt. By increasing both your understanding and your self-acceptance, you can put time in its place and step up to take hold of your own absolution.
Stop waiting for time to heal your wounds and jumpstart your healing by learning how to be yourself and stepping into the circumstances that suit you well. If you don’t like who and what you are, reinvent yourself and don’t be afraid to challenge the more challenging aspects of your personality. A lot of healing happens when we learn how to truly love (and receive love) but it also comes when we learn how to set boundaries, create our own meaning gain control of our thoughts while releasing the hold our past has over us. Have the courage to release your baggage and start living a life that’s in line with who and what you are at your authentic core. Today’s the day you make your choice. What’s it going to be?
