Relax: You’re a likable person
Don’t let the self-doubt get you down. You’re a more likable person than you realize and this is why.
by: E.B. Johnson
Everyone gets caught up in their self-doubt from time to time. Even though your social circle is thriving, you might still get stung by the idea that you’re not as likable as you think you are or you might start to doubt that your friends even like you at all.
While these thoughts can seem irrational, they’re completely normal. Thoughts of self-doubt plague each of us at some point in our lives, but overcoming them is as easy as realizing how powerful and likable we truly are. Tap into the strong, charismatic person that all your friends see and you’ll tap into some truly life-altering revelations.
Why are we so desperate to be liked?
Our need to be liked is a deep, almost pathological need that lives within all of us. It feels good when people like us and it makes us feel like we’re validated and powerful when we have a strong, vibrant social network.
The problem with this desperate need to be liked, however, is that it can drive us to some pretty nutty places. If you want to avoid the pitfalls of this social neediness — get to the root of it, by taking the time to understand what it is that makes you tick and what it is that makes you so desperate to be liked.
Damaging childhood experiences.
Try as we might to escape them, the traumas of our childhood follow us into our adulthood if we don’t take the time to resolve them.
It’s not uncommon for those who long for approval to have a history of emotional trauma in their childhood.
This could take the form of verbal abuse, physical abuse or just emotional neglect. Ultimately, it culminates in a feeling of being worthless or unloved. It also sends the message that love is conditional and we must meet certain expectations in order to receive it.
Having traumatic or damaging childhood experiences can lead to a fragile adulthood that’s fraught with insecurity and hardship. If you grew up in a home in which you felt unloved or unwanted, it might drive you to seek validation in the future through extreme behaviors that do more harm than good (and only further destroy your “likability”).
When you scratch the surface of approval-seekers, more often than not you find an individual that’s battling low self-esteem and a loss of vision and drive. These experiences drive us to turn away from our own value and seek the affirmation of others over the affirmation of ourselves. No matter how much validation they receive, they always end up looking for more.
Unresolved emotional trauma.
Not every approval-seeking person was damaged by a chaotic childhood. Sometimes, it is our most recent experiences that can damage our self-confidence and force us to seek the approval of others.
Leaving our heartbreaks and emotional traumas unresolved only goes to further degrade who we truly are. When we gloss over past hurts and heartaches we’re only leaving them to fester, creating cankerous lesions that make it impossible for us to love or like anyone — especially ourselves.
Burying your emotional traumas can lead to increased conflicts, decreased confidence and a host of other problems that manifest in not only our likability, but our productivity as well. If you’re longing to be liked, look inside. The answer might be a heartache you haven’t dealt with yet.
A belief that friendship is a direct valuation of worth.
Thanks to the dawning of the social media age, we now live in a world in which the international pastime is comparison. We compare ourselves to our friends and our families; we compare what we wear, where we holiday — we even compare our friendships. And that’s where the real problem begins: believing that the quantity of our friendships is a direct indication of worth.
It’s no wonder we’re so caught up on being liked when we live in an Instagram society.
The friends you have, the more popular you feel. The more popular you feel, the more value you think you have. The problem with this belief, however, is that it’s a total delusion. Likability is subjective and it can come and go with the times.
What someone likes you for today, they may not like you for tomorrow. Basing your self-worth on other people’s perceptions only causes you to lose touch with your authentic self. When all we can see is the value other people put on us, we fall out of love with ourselves and lose our unique strengths and beauties. You become a nervous bundle of insecurities; a wreck of a person who flits from one fad to the next, trying desperately to cling to the thousand and one reflections you see of yourself.
Signs that you’re more likable than you realize.
Even if you get to the root of why you need to be liked, it’s never really possible to eliminate the need entirely. The opinions of people matter, now matter how much we come to love and accept ourselves.
The real trick is learning which perspectives matter and also learning to spot the signs that you’re more likable that you give yourself credit for. If you take a little time to spend some times with your authentic self, chances are you’ll find some traits you didn’t even realize you had. Traits that make you charming to everyone you meet — despite what you believed all along.
1. It’s easy for people to open up to you.
If you find yourself constantly fielding the advice of your friends or co-workers, then you’re probably someone who’s more likable than you realize. People don’t open up to those they can’t trust, so if someone feels comfortable coming to you with heartache or a sensitive issues they can’t share with someone else, they see you as someone that can be trusted and opened up to.
2. You’re always sincere.
Being someone who says what they mean is one of the most likable traits a person can have. It’s refreshing to find those who are confident enough in themselves to be honest even when it’s hard, and that kind of genuine sincerity draws people in. No one likes a fake, so if you find people calling you honest or “real”, then they like you. Accept it and move on.
3. Patience is a virtue you possess.
This modern social media world has made it common for the people around us to adopt quick lips and sharp tongues that criticize more than they build up. While that kind of approach might work in some situations, it doesn’t do a lot for cultivating likability. So, if you’re someone that speaks when appropriate and makes you point with grace, rejoice. You’re the kind of person that people like to be around.
4. You’re not afraid to be vulnerable.
Likable people don’t try to win imaginary competitions. Rather, they’re the kind of people who try to lose such battles, and they’re people who aren’t afraid to be vulnerable.
Truly likable people are confident enough not to worry about showing a little vulnerability. They know that while some people are impressed by the constant front of strength, they are not diminished by their weaknesses. Everyone they meet is instinctively someone to be opened up to and understood, rather than feared, competed against or worried about.
5. You’re okay laughing at yourself.
We all make mistakes, but it takes a truly confident person to admit to those mistakes. Truly likable people are able to admit it when they’ve messed up and they aren’t afraid to serve as a cautionary tale or look a little bit silly.
People respect you more when you’re not afraid to admit you were wrong. It takes a special kind of self-awareness to comfortably own up to your missteps, and when you do — people notice.
Letting down your guard let’s other people know they can let theirs down too, and it allows you to bond in a worry-free way that is genuine and respectful. Learn how to laugh at yourself and you’ll make other comfortable enough to laugh with you. There’s few quicker ways to tap into that likability motherlode, so shake it off and have a laugh. You’ll never regret that you did.
6. Questions are a regular part of your social game.
Everyone has that friend that never asks you any questions and only talks about themselves. It’s exhausting being around people that can’t see past the end of their own nose, and it does nothing to lend to their likability.
If you are someone who regularly asks your friends (or acquaintances) questions about their life or their likes and dislikes, rejoice again. You’re a likable person.
Failing to ask questions is one of the biggest mistakes people make in their quest to be liked. They’re so focused on listening to their own voice and getting validation for their perspective, that they forget to consider the perspective of anyone else. They fail to hear anything going on around them and only find the meaning in their own words and anecdotes.
7. You’re a judgement-free person.
Open-minded people are often the most likable people. Being open-minded makes you more approachable and it makes you more trustworthy. No one wants to have a conversation with someone who they feel is constantly judging them. So, being a judgement-free individual is usually a pretty good indication that you’re a likable one as well.
Having open minds allows us to change and expand our world view, and also gives us access to new ideas and opportunities. Being able to see the world through another’s eyes is a gift that takes many a lifetime to cultivate, but it is the only way to tap into the empathy and understanding that’s needed for any productive relationship.
Whether you believe someone or not is not what matters. It matters only that you can listen without feeling the need to criticize or control. When we drop our judgement long enough to understand what makes other people tick, we drop our own walls long enough for them to see us as we truly are. There’s little more likable than that.
8. Consistency is a habit of yours.
When someone is all over the place, it becomes hard to trust them or believe them when they say they will follow through. People like to know what and who they’re dealing with, and they like to think they know what the results will be when they approach someone with their own vulnerabilities or insecurities.
If you’re someone who consistently does what you say you will, then you’re a likable person. Consistency means reliability; it means not letting the opinions of others affect your opinions of the world. When we’re consistent, we encourage others to be consistent and in that lies a mutual respect that’s hard to fake or replace.
9. Greeting people by name is your style.
Our names are an essential part of our identity, and it feels good when people use it — especially if we’ve only just met them. Likable people use the names of those around them regularly (not just in greeting) and they work hard to remember the names of new people that they meet.
It’s a small thing, but one which research has shown to increase likability. When you use someone’s name, you actual cause them to feel validated and that results in all kinds of positive feelings.
If you’re someone that’s great with faces — but not necessarily names — try regular brain exercises and have a little fun with remember people’s names. When you meet someone, don’t be afraid to ask their name a second time and try to associate them with some other word or aspect that’s easy to remember.
10. You know how to balance your passion and your fun.
There’s no secret in the fact that people gravitate toward those who are passionate. There’s a difference in passion and fun, though, and it takes an intimate knowledge of the balance between the two to get it right.
If you’re someone who balances your passions against the fun times, then chances are you’re someone that people like. It’s too easy for passionate people to come across as overly serious or intense. They get absorbed in their work and become obsessed by their ideas, something that can scare people away if they don’t understand it.
Likable people are those who can get things done while still having a bit of fun here and there. If you want to get things done, you have to be socially effective and that takes more than being a task-obsessed hard-ass.
Minimize the small talk and focus on meaningful interactions that make everyone around you feel good. If you do this, people will remember it, and they’ll also remember that — sometimes — fun is just as important as work.
Putting it all together…
We all want to be likable, but we often don’t realize how likable we already are. If you’re someone who makes it easy for others to open up, or someone who knows how to laugh at yourself and be vulnerable — then odds are you’re already an extremely likable person no matter what your inner-saboteur is telling you.
When you’re feeling down on yourself take a step back to remember all the beautiful and unique strengths you still possess. There are people out there that love you because you’re a wonderful, funny and thoughtful person who deserves to be loved. Let that light shine for all your friends and family to see. You’re a likable person. Embrace it.
