How to Be a Hero to Your Kids

You already are their hero so why not act like it

Often when children are asked who their heroes are they mention their parents. This can take us by surprise as we often feel more like the bad guy than the good guy in our children’s lives — monitoring behavior, enforcing good eating habits, mediating between siblings, and saying no more often than we’d like. Despite how we feel, more often than not, our children remember the things that we hoped would shape them into the moral, enlightened adults we dream they will become. Since your kids already think of you as their hero, why not go full out and implement the following practices?

Show up larger than life

My firstborn son had some health issues when he was young, not the least of which was asthma. Knowing that even a little congestion could move into a full-blown asthma episode, I watched him closely whenever he caught the simplest cold.

On one occassion the pediatrician sent us straight to the ER. After the doctors assessed my son’s condition, we sat in the waiting room while they determined if he needed to be admitted. My husband was running his dairy route around town but had promised to skip his next stop and head over to the hospital.

The room was crowded with rows of chairs lined up along three sides and from where we sat, we could see the big, glass sliding doors that opened wide whenever an ambulance gurney or wheelchair needed access to the facility.

As I looked up from the pages of a children’s book I was reading to my son, I saw a semi-truck pull up to the doors. I saw my husband jump out of the cab of his truck and approach the automatic doors. I pointed and told my son, “Look, Daddy is here.” Just as the doors swung open, my son looked up to see his dad, dressed in his delivery uniform, appear in the doorway, the sun casting a superhero glow around him.

He shouted, “Daddy!” and ran straight across the large waiting room, arms outstretched. My husband, on cue, bent down and scooped him into his arms as the entire ensemble of sick patients and busy nurses looked on and exclaimed as one, “Awwwww….”

I could see the delight on their faces and I felt the relief in my body as I watched this incredible made-for-television moment unfold before my eyes. That day my husband was a hero to me and to my son and it’s a scene I’ll never forget.

Show up as a hero to your child because you are their superhero!

Pay attention to the small things — they matter more than you know

It makes sense that if we don’t pay attention to the small things when our children are young (which are big things to them) they will not be likely to share with us the bigger things as they grow.

From skinned knees to wounded pride and sick pets, when we communicate to our children that what matters to them matters to us, we build a bridge to their hearts.

I have often heard the heartbreaking accounts of teenagers making decisions that forever alter the course of their lives, bring consequences that follow them into adulthood, and cause pain to both them and their parents. And too often, along with these stories comes the parents’ anguished question, “Why didn’t you come to us and talk about it?”

Sometimes there’s no clear answer to that and sometimes the child responds with the painful statement, “I didn’t think I could talk to you about it.”

I realize that as parents we have no foolproof methods of child-rearing and no written guarantees that we will not make mistakes in raising them, but I do know that seeds of trust, unconditional love, and communication are sown long before the life-altering situations arise in our children’s lives.

Say yes more often

I often joke that as I was growing up I lived in the No House. Every request was automatically met with a swift no. No, you can’t join Girl Scouts. No, you can’t play the flute. No, you can’t get a class ring. No, no, no. There were seldom valid reasons for the no and I learned early on not to ask for much because the answer would most likely be no.

I vowed that when I had children I would say yes unless there was a good reason to say no.

Yes to the cello — why not, it will be fun! Yes, to wrestling and LaCrosse. Yes to sleepovers and forts in the living room. Yes to chocolate cake for breakfast and yes to hermit crabs and hamsters.

I said yes when my son asked if we could go to the animal shelter to “just look” and said yes again when he asked, as we pulled into the parking lot, “If there is a Labradoodle puppy here can we get him?” This was my best yes ever and that’s how we became owners of the best dog at the shelter.

There will be times when no is the kindest answer but make a vow to check your no before you respond to ensure that it’s not set in default mode.

Keep memories alive

When my son was three and at an age when memories are not quite retained, my husband took him to see his favorite PBS character, Arthur, in person. This was not the highlight of the day, however; the best part (in my husband’s opinion) came as they were walking along the Cuyahoga River in downtown Cleveland.

A river fireboat pulled up to the dock and as my husband excitedly showed Ryan the boat and pointed out the fire hoses used by the firemen, the crew asked if they’d like to come aboard. What little (or big) boy doesn’t want to climb aboard a real-life fire truck — or in this case, fireboat?

The crew demonstrated all the hoses and sounded the sirens and even let Ryan have a go at the siren. I can still remember how excited my husband was when they got home and he told us about this chance encounter. Ryan smiled but was still too young to understand what a special experience this was.

My husband was determined that Ryan would remember this day so he continuously and deliberately kept this memory alive by talking about it and recounting it for Ryan. We have some photos from this day that have been preserved in a scrapbook but Ryan knows that (even in his mid-20’s) his dad will randomly ask. “Do you remember that time we went on the fireboat?”

I think it’s a touching way for him to preserve a special memory. Ryan still rolls his eyes, chuckles, and nods whenever that day is mentioned but I know someday he’ll understand the significance of his father’s efforts in keeping that memory alive for him.

A few suggestions for keeping memories alive

• Regularly review photos and scrapbooks — don’t forget to date photos and write down some details to recall what was special about the event or occasion.
• keep a family journal where all can write down their memories
• turn off technology and talk about past events and memories
• keep a family gratitude journal that can spark memories
• resist the urge to record everything so your child’s brain has a chance to make its own memories

Take their side (even when they are wrong)

Kids are going to do stupid things, even get in trouble or break rules and laws, but if they don’t believe that the most important people in their lives are on their side, how can they move beyond the shame and find their way to a better path?

One of the bravest things you can ever do is to stand up for your child even when he’s wrong.

My youngest son, in his sophomore year of high school, was busted in what we now jokingly refer to as The Great Rice Krispy Sting of 2014 in which he purchased a corner of a square of a Rice Krispy treat baked with a special ingredient. Through some careless texts and an assistant principal who bullied him into showing him his cell phone before calling his parents, my son was implicated and the situation escalated out of control.

Following their “zero tolerance” policy on drug distribution at school, the leadership proceeded to suspend my son for the rest of the school year, inform us that he would not be allowed to finish any of his final exams, including the AP exam that I had paid for, and would be suspended for the first 90 days of his junior year as well. All this for a student who had never so much as even had one detention or a phone call home to his parents about any misbehavior.

I sat at the hearing with the school board representative, the assistant principal, and principal, listening to them expound on how my son was a “threat to the student body” (with my son sitting at the table, mind you) and how they would be “watching him” like a hawk (to which he made the finger-to-eyes and pointed back to my son motion) and if he was even tardy to one class he would be removed from school permanently. In addition, we were required to take him to a drug counselor and attend a parent/adolescent drug training (all of which was not a bad idea but a little overkill for a first offense).

I watched as my son shrank in his seat, seeing a dark cloud brewing across his brow and realized that throughout this interaction with school officials they had not once acknowledged his previous stellar record, high GPA, rapport with other students or teachers, or offered any support to us as a family to get my son back on track.

While my stomach churned from stress and embarrassment, my husband calmly spoke up and pointed out that our son was a good kid who did a dumb thing — hadn't we all at that age? And, he reminded them, that what we all should want more than punishing Sean was to help him get back on a trajectory toward college and successful life. Missing all his finals, risking his GPA slipping, and missing the first 90 days of his junior year would be risking him falling behind and not graduating with his peers.

I was never more proud of my husband and I saw my son sit up a little straighter in his chair, lift his chin a little higher, and I knew that what he needed at that moment was not a heavy-handed lecture and threats from the adults in the room but for his parents to stand up for him and believe in him.

It’s not always easy, but taking your child’s side even when he’s wrong can be an act of superhero proportions.

Refuse to worry about them

This seems counter-intuitive, I know, but follow me here and you’ll see how powerful it is when you refuse to worry about your children.

The above-mentioned son in the Rice Krispy Treat Scandal took a few months to get fully back on track. During that time I could have easily worried myself to a frazzled mess and justified doing so. After all, if we love someone we show them by worrying about them, right?

Not so much…

“When you worry about someone you send them a secret message — I don’t believe in you.” ~ Charles F. Glassman

Let those words sink in for a moment. And let yourself think about how you feel when someone hovers over you, second-guessing or criticizing every step you take. Does that feel like love?

Oh, I get it — we are talking about our children here. But, let’s remember our end game: to raise independent and confident children. That means giving them the breathing space to try things, fail, make mistakes, find answers on their own even when we could easily hand them the answer, mess up, and learn about themselves and life in the process.

As my son searched for his identity and struggled to make decisions apart from mom, I realized that my job was not to manipulate or create a plan to save my son from harm or bad choices. My role was to pray and love him unconditionally.

It’s easy to think that when we express worry or angst over the choices a loved one is making they will change. My fear and expressive worry would not make my son shape up and behave in a way that I wanted. It would only make him resentful and further bent on expressing his own way in life.

I’ve watched many moms give into the deluge of fear and try to manipulate their child into better behavior. This is a terrible strategy that will prolong your child’s journey into figuring out what he thinks about himself and his choices. It will also make your life miserable in the process.

Superheroes don’t fear the uncertain times or the danger. They don’t react in fear. They trust their intuition and remain steadfast in their dedication to those they love and serve. They hold firmly to the belief that, in the end, right will win over wrong. Trust your child and love him as he creates his own paths in life.

Parenthood is full of a lot of grunt work where we don’t look like or feel like heroes, but it’s also full of opportunities to be a hero to your child. Let’s grab those opportunities and run with them!