Why You Shouldn’t Worry About Those You Love

Choosing faith over fear

“When you worry about someone you send them a secret message — I don’t believe in you.” ~ Charles F. Glassman

My son kinda went astray in high school. He made some bad choices and things got a little stressful. Well-meaning Christians called to tell me all the bad things they heard he had done and to get me to commit to a “Plan” to bring him around. In fact, one person said that I was throwing up my hands in fear because I refused to “do” something about him.

This type of help began to stir fear and panic in my heart and I knew one thing:

I had to choose faith or fear but I could not try to operate in both.

I sat on the end of my bed with my Bible in my hands and declared, “God I choose faith; I refuse fear.”

Our job as moms is not to save our child

I realized that my job was not to manipulate or create a plan to “save” my son from harm or bad choices. My role was to pray and love him unconditionally.

If we think that by expressing worry or angst over the choices a loved one is making they will change, we are delusional. My fear and expressive worry would not make my son shape up and behave in a way that I wanted. It would only make him resentful and further bent on expressing his own way in life.

I’ve watched many moms give into the deluge of fear and try to manipulate their child into better behavior. This is a terrible strategy that will prolong your child’s journey into figuring out what he thinks about himself and his faith. It will also make your life miserable in the process.

We are more than the sum of our mothering and our child’s choices and decisions do not determine our purpose or define our identity.

By choosing faith over fear, I had to learn to trust both my son and God

I decided that honesty and vulnerability would be a good start. I was completely honest with him if something he was doing was upsetting me.

But I chose to leave the lines of communication open rather than laying down heavy coats of judgment and condemnation.

I decided to trust the good heart I knew my son had and to trust God to guide and protect him.

I also knew that he could make choices that might lead to harm and I freely trusted God to determine that course if it was the best for my son in order to be transformed into the man God wanted him to be.

I compromised and bit my tongue often, but by choosing the path of communication and faith, I saw that I had hit on a tone that resonated with my son’s heart.

Choosing faith means living in relationship

I had a couple of non-negotiables and simply communicated those to him in a manner that helped him to see respect was a two-way street. I didn’t lay down the law, draw lines in the sand, or give ultimatums. Check yourself immediately if you find yourself dreaming up ultimatums.

Nobody wins when ultimatums are used as a gauntlet.

I wasn’t sure how all this would play out, but I received an immense sense of peace once I chose faith and proclaimed it out loud. I understood that choosing faith might not turn the situation around immediately but it would determine how I would walk through it. I also firmly knew that how I approached this time in my son’s life would impact our relationship going forward.

Acknowledging that more than anything I didn’t want a broken relationship with my son, I chose to give my cares over to God who was able to handle them much better than I.

Then, I prayed daily for wisdom, grace, favor, mercy, and patience. Right away, I began to see the impact that choosing faith over fear had on my son and on how I walked through this stage in his life.

Instead of acting rebellious and disrespectful, he acknowledged my concerns and mom-worry, sharing details of his whereabouts with me and keeping me informed of who he was hanging with outside the home. He brought new friends home to meet me and honored a mutually agreed upon curfew.

We settled on compromises to ensure his safety and meet my need for updates and check-ins.

I found that once I made the relationship the focus instead of his behavior, his attitude changed.

Nine times out of ten he came home before his curfew, changed plans, or even chose to stay home with a friend and watch movies. He wasn’t hell-bent on getting in trouble and pushing boundaries, he was simply growing up and finding his way.

Faith makes room for miracles and transformation

There were some bumps and it took some time, but he found his way through those rebellious teenage years. He’s becoming a man that I am proud of and the other day I received this message on Facebook: “You have raised an amazing son.”

I acknowledge all the grace and favor that God has rendered in my life that this story has a happy ending, but I know I must choose faith over fear every time I am faced with the temptation to worry about someone I love.

There is a reward in overcoming temptation

We lay the groundwork for a miracle and with open hands allow God to care for those we love. Our meddling only muddies the water and interferes with God’s plan for transformation and love. And let’s be clear: we are the ones who need transforming while we learn to trust in His love.

What a powerful message we send to those we love when we choose not to worry.

Instead of throwing up your hands in fear and despair, try what I did: throw up your hands in faith and refuse to allow fear to intimidate or manipulate you! And while you’re practising how to live with open hands, why not surrender to life and dance in the rain, too?

This story is published in Koinonia — stories by Christians to encourage, entertain, and empower you in your faith, food, fitness, family and fun.

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