How Surviving Psychological Abuse is like ‘The Matrix’ : Part I
Coming out of a toxic emotionally abusive relationship is much like being woken from a simulation. It is hard to distinguish the real from the fantasy, the truth from the lies, the actuality from the dream. It seems like it should be a harsh contrast, and it can most definitely be, it’s just really hard to decipher what is real and true — especially at first. The confusion of what one has gone through and the realization of what happened are surreal, painful, and extremely confusing.
There is a strong sense of denial that can still easily overtake you; which, is exactly what the abuser is hoping for and even counting on — they have trained you well. It doesn’t feel like this could be ‘should’ be real. They can’t possibly be this horrible, it’s all in my head. Am I overreacting, maybe I am too sensitive? How can this possibly be so? Why? No, no, no, they love me, they wouldn’t hurt me on purpose — this can’t be right, can it? It has to be something I can fix, something I can change and do or somehow make better, right? And so, on and on the spiral of denial, as well as desperately trying to make sense of something that does not and cannot make sense, not without opening our eyes to the actual truth, goes…
Psychological abusers create a simulation, much like The Matrix, to keep their victims in a constant state of confusion and denial. They cannot possibly be the problem, we are — always and forevermore!
Recently, I was speaking to my husband about psychological trauma and how strange it feels in ‘the aftermath,’ or the wake after the storm — even still after all these years. I said it’s like waking up from an alternate reality or a dream. It was a world filled with lies and falsehoods in order to create and/or control emotions and/or actions of a target. Much of the world they create never truly existed, at least not for the abuser. So much of what a target experiences is under constant control and/or influence of the type B personality disordered abuser. As a survivor, it is as if I am having to relearn how to exist as well as who I am and how I really feel about… well, everything.
Nearly 6 years after my emergence out of the shadows of a life in deep denial surrounded by multiple abusers and toxic relationships, and stepping into the light of day with clearer vision, I still struggle with the reality of having been ‘awakened’ from what felt like a different person’s life or hallucination. Like a painting by Picasso’s or a surrealist, things look and feel a bit or quite strange, unusual, foreign even. At times there may have been a slight awareness now and again, but the astonishing reality is still quite violently appalling.
In the newest The Matrix Resurrections, the state of Neo’s mind is, in my opinion, an even more perfect summary of what it feels like being in a psychologically emotionally mentally abusive relationship. You are being controlled by them through constant states of confusion that they create. To make it even worse, they are constantly twisting everything around and, although you have pieces of the puzzle, it’s hard to know what to believe, what is real… why would they lie, they care about you, right? Unfortunately no, they don’t. They want you to feel crazy, because you are easier to control and manipulate. They want you to keep taking the blue pill — believing in all their lies.
I am surprised this fourth installment of The Matrix series was not as positively reviewed as I would expect. Personally, I thought the film was unimaginably well done -much better than I anticipated. I thought, what more can they do with this story, and then they surprised me in a most delightful and intellectually stimulating way. It is filled with exquisite layers of philosophy, psychology, and consiouscness. It was thought provoking, thrilling, and original.
Until next time and as my husband and his brother would say … keep it real
~ ❤ ❤ ❤ ~ ❤ ❤ ❤ ~ ❤ ❤ ❤ ~ ❤ ❤ ❤ ~ ❤ ❤ ❤ ~ ❤ ❤ ❤ ~ ❤ ❤ ❤ ~
With Love, Light, and Blessings ❤
Your Idealistic HolisticNerd ~ ❤ Mind ❤ Body ❤ Spirit/Soul ❤ ~
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