The Score Card

Summary

The author reflects on the realization that safe and true relationships do not require a "scorecard" to measure their health, contrasting this with toxic relationships where scorekeeping is a defensive necessity due to psychological abuse and manipulation.

Abstract

The article delves into the author's personal insight about the nature of safe versus toxic relationships, emphasizing that while healthy relationships naturally lack a need for scorekeeping, abusive relationships often involve both parties keeping track of perceived transgressions as a form of self-defense. The author shares their journey of understanding the impact of their dysfunctional family and other toxic relationships, acknowledging the learned habit of scorekeeping as a survival mechanism against psychological abuse. The revelation that relationships should be free from such scorecards is presented as a significant moment of clarity, which also serves as a caution that these defensive habits can inadvertently affect healthy relationships. The piece concludes with a personal appeal for support and engagement from readers, along with practical tips for interacting with the author's content on Medium.

Opinions

The author believes that the concept of a "scorecard" in relationships is a response to psychological abuse and a tactic used by abusers to maintain control.
It is the author's opinion that the absence of a scorecard is indicative of a safe and genuine relationship.
The author suggests that the habit of keeping score can persist and negatively impact otherwise healthy relationships.
The author emphasizes the importance of recognizing the difference between relationships that require scorekeeping and those that do not, as a means of personal growth and healing.
The author expresses a desire to inspire and help others through their writing, aspiring to achieve a level of success and influence as a writer.

How are relationships ‘measured’?

I was working in silence with a client on my massage table and my mind wondered in thoughts, as it so often does. What thoughts in particular I do not remember exactly, but I know they somehow lead me to something along the lines of “how can I tell if a relationship is safe or not” after having been psychologically abused? As if hit by an unexpected swift strong gust of wind, the answer hit me so fast and hard I nearly fell over — there is no scorecard…

As soon as my conscious brain picked-up on my subconscious gift of insight, it continued onward like a high speed case searching to evaluate if there was validity to my unbeknownst quest — and turns out, there is!

I say unbeknownst, because I didn’t fully realize until even writing this very article that I had been searching for a way to ‘know,’ as best I can, if a relationship is ‘true’ or not (or at least if the past and perhaps present ones were/are). After nearly 6 years of starting to realize the depths of my dysfunctional family (to put it nicely) and other toxic relationships, what I realized is the learned habit of ‘keeping score.’ Something I have actually discussed with my husband but I never entirely grasped the importance of until the silence overtook me and God or the Universe or what/whomever provided the details.

For I suppose (and hope) many who do not yet understand where I might be going with this, what do I mean about keeping score? Well, I mean having a figurative scorecard that is kept against you by your abusers and one that you must also keep — NOT because you want to, but because you HAVE to in order to protect yourself against whatever bull**** they try to twist, manipulate, use, etc. against you, publicly and/or privately in order to have control over you. Sometimes those imaginary scorecards are to ‘remind’ you of your supposed transgressions, faith (and how you can/should be ‘better’), mistakes, etc. — again, all in an effort to diminish anything about you and whatever gains you have made in yourself or your life. Not too dissimilar from a smear campaign sometimes really.

There are so many reasons and uses for an abuser to keep a scorecard, and why the target might need to keep one as well — in an effort to disprove whatever magically made up (or partial truth) to suit his/her/their needs or agenda. How did this help me? I realized that my safe relationships have no scorecard, and why would they? I realized I only start to maintain a scorecard once a relationship has somehow proven to me (consciously or unconsciously) that I need one in order to try and defend myself or prove their allegations false, should I ever be in a position to need to — which is often and sadly still hard to do with these devious individuals.

Unfortunately, these habits can leak into healthy relationships as well, so beware…

Until Next Time,

Your Idealistic HolisticNerd

Note: This article is a compilation of my own life experiences, research, testament, opinion(s), etc.. It is not meant to be a substitute for professional medical, legal, or clinical services. Although I, the author, have personal and professional experience in the health and wellness field, including health coaching, am not a certified/licensed nutritionist or mental health professional. I, the author, am neither a medical nor mental health advisor — as with any and all recommendations, please do your own due diligence.

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The Score Card

How are relationships ‘measured’?

PS — Just a few tips. Please read —

With Love, Light, and Blessings ❤