The Unspoken, Incomprehensible, and often Unknown Grief of Survivors of Psychological Trauma

Something so very challenging about these relationships, especially for those who have not been through it often do not understand, is the grieving process. As an emotionally abused person whose relationship ended without rhyme or reason, or most especially someone who had to walk away from one, we cannot grieve the loss the same way as when someone physically dies — even though, that is quite often how it feels, on top of the abuse one is already struggling through.

For someone who ‘loses’ a relationship in this way, not only have they been tragically used, but also there often isn’t any form of closure — in most cases the person is still living (or if they did die there are many unresolved issues -which would be true even if the person was still alive, at least with this type of personality disorder). I realize that this can possibly happen in seemingly ‘healthy’ relationships as well, but typically there is a support system in place as well as the fact that society understands an actual physical loss/death rather than a ‘figurative/metaphorical’ one. There is no ceremony. There is really no acceptance for why a survivor is grieving.

It’s all very hard to explain, but the dynamic of grieving, or being able to, is completely different. Oftentimes it is very silently and unbearably endured through excruciatingly painful & confusing whirling emotions, while often being (or feeling) judged and/or misunderstood and alone. This enclosing feeling of isolation, and many other hazards to the healing process, a survivor carries so much pain while struggling just to stay alive. It’s not about perseverance, it’s more about striving to understand WTF happened and how to breathe again. Because, the person (the abuser) that an abused person (the survivor) is grieving for didn’t really exist, it was a facade, there are so many additional layers of indescribable confusion to this grief that consumes you. This adds not only a whole different level of loss, pain, frustration, and anger, but also often judgement and even condemnation by those lacking in understanding or acceptance of the reality of the situation and the true nature of the abuser…

Having struggled through this tumultuous landscape personally, all I can difinitively tell you it is inexplicably painful — like part of you is being torn apart, crushed, seared, tortured, while feeling like dying. I felt like I was being punished, but in reality I was being washed clean.It is oftentimes through our greatest pain that we have our greatest lessons. It has taken long arduous dedicated self-care, self-compassion, self-love, self-education, acceptance, and now self-expression to heal the cracks and scars. Like the Kintsugi China bowls, whose cracks are sealed with gold to emphasize the beauty of their imperfections, I am certain that God was, and is, gilding me. He was actually sparing me from a lifetime of continued abuse, not punishing me for standing up for myself, knowing my value and worth to be more than how I had been treated. I am grateful for His grace and salvation — it is what I cling to.

Not everyone grieves a ‘release’ from an abusive (psychological or physical) relationship — I did. My experience was several fold. I was greiving the loss of my family, my parents in particular — whom I still love to this day and struggle with the reality and severity of the toxic situation of which I have no control. At the same time, I was grieving the loss of a beloved business that I built from scratch… It was supposed to be bought by someone I thought I could trust and who I believed I was helping to fulfill her supposed childhood dream — she didn’t follow through with less that 24 hours notice via email while in process of having our entire life moved over 36 driving hours away. It affected not only me and all my clients I promised would still have a ‘home’ to go to, but also the renter and independent contractors as well as my landlord (oh and extending my separation from my husband who had already moved across the country several weeks ahead of me as well as our kitties). On top of that was the complete betrayal of someone I held dear and believed to be one of my best friends, who I had made a part of my business and supported in every way imaginable. Once I started piecing things together, I realized just how much turmoil she had been behind for years — heart-wrenchingly agonizing. Things made sense afterwards, hindsight is 20/20, but they also didn’t. I couldn’t understand why any of these things happened in and of themselves, let alone all overlapping.

All of this happened at the same time while deciding to move across the country to start fresh from these relationships, and also after many other tremendously toxic relationships and incredibly unbelievable events they all had caused. To top it off, this metaphorical grieving isolation was in overlap to the global pandemic — an actual global shutdown, as well as physical injury and an exhaustion from being over-worked, under-valued, and underpaid for years. This is merely a snippet of the story, but you catch my drift — things were rough. Here’s the real kicker though… I survived and so too can you!

Needless to say, I have learned a lot about myself, who I am, what I don’t want, life, love, my relationships, my friendships, my marriage, my career, my choices, my ambitions and motivation, and perhaps most importantly, my own strength through this journey, as well as, my relationship with myself, my life, and with God. I share the above not for my own validation, but to display that what people struggle through can be exponentially far beyond what the surface shows, like the iceberg effect/theory, and to have compassion for one another. And, although I would never wish it upon anyone, and although I may wonder what could have been if not for these people in my life, I do not wish away the journey and the lessons I have gained -all are invaluable.

We all have our stories, our struggles, our journey. To some, my story may seam unbearably tragic, and to others it may seam like a dream compared to what they went through -there is no judgement or competition on either side of that coin. Own your story, own your truth. Don’t let your past define you, but do allow it to shape you. Learn and grow from your challenges and adversaries. Become who you want to be and don’t hold back on your dreams! My hope for you, once your grieving has pasted, for you to shine even brighter and blind out all the darkness that resides in your life and perhaps all the corners of the world. I love and believe in you, it’s time you do too ❤

If you know someone struggling through this abuse, please do what you can to support them through their grief. You may not understand, but your care and sympathy might bring them comfort -and believe me, they need it.

Another great recomendation by my therapist through my journey:

With Love, Light, and Blessings ❤

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