How Not To Fall Out Of Love With Your Child
Today you’re madly in love with him. Tomorrow, not so much. What gives?
I remember the moment I fell in love with my child as if it was yesterday.
But the episodes where I’m drifting away from our love story are rather inconspicuous.
On some days, I raise my voice. On other days, I stupidly compare him to other kids.
Then, I think there’s something wrong with him when, in fact, I’m wrong.
This is a scenario that many parents can relate to.
And it isn’t much different from the one between two grown-ups who claim they love each other.
At first, you’re madly in love. Then, the thrill is gone.
You forget what brought the two of you together. You terribly dislike how your partner/child treats you.
You were once in love, and you’re now out of love. You’re on the verge of getting lost as a parent.
But there’s a quick and safe turnaround. I promise you it’s so simple.
The wandering is slow and tortuous
I fell in love with my son while holding him on a hospital bed the next day after an unplanned c-section.
The room was sparkling clean; the bed had white sheets, and the sun was flooding into the room supernaturally.
That hairy tiny human being with blurred gray eyes was staring at me. Literally staring.
It was as if he was trying to imprint on his retina the image of my face for the rest of his life.
I felt hypnotized. Lured into a connection that was transcending time and space. I remember I thought at that very moment — wow, I’m unexpectedly in love.
I fell in love with my son without him doing anything that would make him worthy of love, with no expectations and all the gratitude and contentment in the world.
His being there in my arms was enough. I didn’t think anything of our future other than wanting to stay healthy.
When a child is born, a parent will inevitably feel this way — you love without expectations, demands, or comparison terms.
And then, you bring him home from the hospital.
Before you know it, you’re stepping away from that initial unconditional love.
But it will be long until you realize you’ve fallen out of love.
You try fitting him into a chart
Losing sleep with a newborn is only natural.
But how about losing faith?
A few days into your parenting journey, as the baby starts crying, you begin putting him on the scale, inspecting his diaper content, and questioning.
Questioning everything, from how much he sleeps or eats to how well he poops or grows. Does he fit the charts? Is he growing as expected?
Oh, the expectations.
You’ll say it makes perfect sense. You want your child to be healthy, and you need a comparison term.
Yet, before you know it, the fear that he’s not matching the growth charts translates into the fear that he’s not matching the social norms.
You forget where you started from
There was a time you promised yourself you’ll forever protect this baby. That you’ll never hurt him. That you’ll honor him and consider him perfect just the way he is.
The days are long, but the years fly by.
There’s still a lot of joy and often a lot of fear. There are tears and screams and tantrums. And there are photographs meant to immortalize happy times.
The promises that you’ll never hurt him and that you’ll be forever grateful for having him are left behind.
He still looks perfect to you, but only on some days.
You’re still grateful for having him, but not just the way he is. And not on all days.
You start yelling at your child that if he’s not picking up his toys you’ll throw them away.
Or if he’s not leaving the park, you’ll walk away without him.
You take his smartphone and punish him with staying home while his friends are going out and having fun.
You threaten him that he'll end up a street sweeper if he doesn’t get good grades.
The moment of truth is there — that perfect child of yours is not as perfect as he seemed when he was born.
He’s different from you, and he has traits that are out of your control.
He’s often irrational and acts as if you’re not speaking the same language.
He’s messy, dirty, whiny, often complaining, and rarely appreciating what you do for him.
You sometimes don’t recognize this child anymore.
You’re asking yourself if you’ve done something wrong or if there has been something wrong with him through all this time.
You’ve fallen out of love, but you’re still in this relationship where you can’t live together and can’t live without.
Something has to change.
Your expectations aren’t met. You start making accusations. You demand changes. You want him to change for you if he really loves you.
Don’t change anything. Just remember.
Relationships flow, change, adjust.
It’s the way of life.
To keep your straight course and not get lost as a parent, you need always to remember that unconditional contentment you felt when you first held your child into your arms.
Keep your faith. Just be grateful and confident.
That’s all you need to do. Remember the feeling you had on that day when you took in the baby and swore to love him for what he was, with no expectations whatsoever. It’s the only way you can embrace the individual that your child is and has always been.
I went to a family reunion the other day with two uncles and their wives.
One family has an adult daughter, and they all still live in our country. The other family has an adult son, and they’ve been living abroad for years.
The daughter is married, with three little boys of her own, a rather complicated financial situation, and the unexpected desire to leave the city life and move to the countryside.
The boy is in a happy relationship, just graduated from the university, and he’s about to choose his specialty as a doctor. His parents were beaming with pride for him ranking in the 1400th position from over 9000 candidates on the exams he took.
-What a difference, I told my husband as we were leaving the reunion. Would you feel you have failed as a parent if your child was the one moving into the countryside?
-Not at all, replied my husband. There’s room for everyone in this world. We can’t be all doctors and lawyers. But we should all strive to be happy.
-Oh, so you think that her parents are happy with their daughter’s decisions and life course?
-Why not? It’s all a parent can do. To be grateful if their child is happy with the life she lives.
Love him as on that first day together
Your child doesn’t belong to you.
Love him no matter what. Love him as on your first day together.
It’s hard not to have expectations, hopes, and desires. Not to want the best for your child.
It’s even harder when what we envision as “best” doesn’t match our child’s definition of “best.”
The only way out of this trap is to remind yourself that your child’s life doesn’t belong to you.
You can only do your best to be a model for him. And still, accept him if he chooses to embrace other models.
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