Summary

The article discusses the concept of "dad-guilt," a feeling experienced by many fathers who struggle with the balance between work and family life, challenging traditional gender roles.

Abstract

The article delves into the often-overlooked issue of "dad-guilt," a sentiment parallel to "mom-guilt," where fathers grapple with the expectation to be the primary breadwinner while desiring more time with their families. The Covid-19 pandemic has exacerbated this feeling for many, with lockdowns providing fathers a glimpse of increased family involvement, leading to a reevaluation of their roles. Surveys from various countries, including Scotland and Singapore, reveal that a significant number of men admit to feeling guilty about not spending enough time with their children and wish to contribute more to family life. The article suggests that this guilt arises from a shift in mentality, where modern fathers see themselves as equal partners in parenting and household responsibilities, contrasting with traditional views that relegate child-rearing to mothers. It emphasizes the importance of communication between partners to understand each other's feelings and expectations, acknowledging that men may also feel inadequate or overwhelmed by parenting responsibilities.

Opinions

The author challenges the notion that men do not experience guilt related to work-family balance, arguing that societal expectations and personal desires often conflict for fathers.
The article suggests that traditional gender roles, which dictate that men should focus primarily on providing financially for the family, are outdated and contribute to feelings of guilt and inadequacy among modern fathers.
The pandemic has highlighted the desire of many fathers to be more involved in their children's lives and the value of work-life balance, as evidenced by surveys conducted during this period.
There is a call for recognition of the emotional labor and guilt that fathers experience, which is often overshadowed by discussions around working mothers and "mom-guilt."
The author encourages open dialogue between partners to bridge the gap in understanding each other's parenting roles and emotional experiences, advocating for a more equitable sharing of family responsibilities.
The article criticizes the societal labels of "guilt" and "power" placed on women, proposing that individual feelings and experiences are more complex and cannot be adequately captured by such simplistic terms.

Dad-Guilt Is Not an Out-of-This-World Concept

Guilt comes down to what you think you’re supposed to do, and some men think they’re supposed to do a lot more than bringing money home.

An ad for The Wall Street Journal was running on my Facebook newsfeed, and the number of fevering comments it received caught my eye. It was an article on Joann S. Lublin’s latest book, “Power Moms: How Executive Mothers Navigate Work and Life”. And most of the comments came from mothers who complained about the mom-guilt, yet another gender-label, asking why nobody talks about men having to ditch this sort of guilt? Their answers implied that men don’t need to choose between careers and family.

So, it got me thinking — what if it’s not a matter of “needing” but rather one of “choosing”? What if our men silently carry the gender-label of the one who brings home the bacon? What if men would like to have the chance to devote more time to their families but live with the burden of providing for the family at all costs?

As a former journalist and freelance writer obsessed with research, I put on my detective hat and googled in an incognito window for “survey working dads guilty”. I wanted to see if anyone thought about surveying dads and asking them how they feel about working too much and spending too little time with their families. Is it such a joy as the stay-at-home-moms think it is for their working husbands? Is there any trace of remorse in these dads?

My husband, who is also a freelancer and juggling with many hats, is undoubtedly experiencing the dad-guilt pretty often. But I had to find at least another dad in the same boat before I could urge anyone not to cast the stone. And I did find!

Covid-19 made many working dads more aware of their guilt

Clearly, the lockdown made many working parents feel imprisoned in their own homes, yet some of them came to realize the things they were missing while being away from home all day long.

I couldn’t find a survey that would involve men from different countries, but small local publications looked into it. Some Scottish dads had quite inspirational thoughts that they shared with the Fathers Network Scotland in a survey on this topic. And what do you know, dads from Singapore had similar feelings that they talked about in a Focus on the Family survey.

We’re talking about over 3,000 men admitting to feeling dad’s guilt and enjoying the time they get to spend with their families at home. Not having to commute anymore gave them a few valuable hours each day to bond with their children or catch up on household chores and maintenance. Just like having their office in the next room allowed them to pop in for the mealtime, something they rarely had the chance to do before.

However, all these were happening before the pandemic too. An older survey from 2017, conducted by Fatherly.com on over 1,200 dads, showed that there is such thing as “dad guilt” and even something that women could hardly imagine — “stay-at-home dad envy”. This article from USA Today perfectly underlines the essential findings of that survey.

Guilt comes down to what you think you’re supposed to do

My dad has this “it’s-a-woman’s-chore” mentality that I hated all of my life. That’s why I’ve married a man with this “we-need-to-support-each-other-as-much-as-we-can” mentality.

It’s because of how these two men think that one of them couldn’t care less that he’s not spending enough time with his children/now grandchildren, and the other one is feeling guilty when he comes home, and his son doesn’t show enthusiasm for seeing dad after not seeing him for quite a while.

When you think your “job” is to bring money home, you do it with little to no remorse. This applies to the men who focus on their careers just as much as it applies to the executive women in Lublin’s book on “Power Moms”. Those women decided that they need to do some work and went all in while they were at work.

When you think, like my husband does, that we’re in this together and we must share our chores as much as we can, guilt comes along.

It may be true that women are inclined to a different type of thinking than men are, but that doesn’t mean all men think the same. Consequently, it’s not surreal for men to believe that they have more extended responsibilities with their children and feel bad when they can’t juggle all of it.

If only dads would get out of their bathroom-hiding…

…and maybe even take moms out of their pantry-hiding… Talking about how we feel would bring us great relief.

After all, some men don’t just feel guilty for not spending enough time with their children. They might also feel guilty for not making enough money for their family. And even for wanting to hide in the bathroom now and then, when atomic toddlers overwhelm them.

I remember once reading on a forum about a mother who complained that her husband wanted to help with the baby, but she was super frustrated that he was doing everything wrong. Here’s another reason why men feel inadequate — that once they get the courage to do something with their children, wives show up with the critique and make them feel twice as terrible.

What’s a woman gotta do about a man’s feelings?

The Wall Street Journal article aimed to strip women of the “guilt” label and, instead, put them the “power” label. What if the problem is with the labels, and not with what’s imprinted on them?

If that’s the case, we should agree that what we all feel is unique to our way of being, upbringing, life experiences, and expectancies.

That man who puts his head on the pillow at night, whom you resent for not wanting or doing enough as a parent, could be tormented by many insecurities and worries that you’re clueless about.

I cannot tell you how to make him open up, but I can only imagine that once you become aware of this possibility, you’ll be more inclined to find a solution to discover what a man, husband, and dad really thinks and what are his real worries.

At the end of the day, you’re in this together. You might think you have specific duties, and he might think he has others. Talk about it as much as you can, in an as unaccusing way as possible.

It might prove excruciatingly difficult and painful. It might show you that you’ve picked a man who thinks differently than you do and be confronted with the reality of accepting it or passing on it. But you might as well be surprised to discover that there’s another parent in the room, just as insecure and overwhelmed as you are, who is no good at showing these feelings. You have to find a way and find out. And wherever there’s a will, there is a way.