Be Strong Enough To Be a Gentle Parent

On overcoming the fear of being too gentle with your child.

Fear snuggles with your heart the moment you become a parent. As you hold that tiny pinky squashy baby at your chest and emotions nearly choke you, you realize that you literally hold his life in your hands. What a powerful and overwhelming feeling.

All decisions are on you. You have to be strong. You have to guard him. And you have to teach him how to live a good life. You can’t afford to be gentle. Can you? That would make you weak and you need to show him that you’re strong. But what if you’re getting the “be strong” part all wrong?

I believe you need to be strong enough to be a gentle parent. Being harsh is easy. Being gentle when the whole world warns you against it brings a different kind of hard.

People Will Shamelessly Tell You What To Do

Your child won’t even begin to sleep through the night, get to say mama or dada, or make his first steps before you start getting unsolicited advice. People start teaching you to stay in control.

They’ll say — He’s playing you. This child will grow out to be spoiled and ungrateful. You should show him who’s the boss. Don’t take him to bed with you. Don’t rock him to sleep. Don’t feed him that often through the night. Don’t, don’t, don’t.

The fear of losing control will sneak in. Especially during those foggy times when you and your partner don’t know what’s happening, haven’t found a rhythm yet, and you’re so tired that you risk bumping head to head when you meet each other into the hallway.

This child took your life by storm. You’re eager to get the hang of parenting and regain control over your life. Your life and his. Regain control and stay in control. If only someone would tell you that you’re never really in control… And that the more you try, the harder it gets, with the potential of causing your child social anxiety by adolescence…

You Can’t Lose the Control You Never Had

Many people dismiss the whole idea of gentle parenting out of fear of losing control. I hate to break it to you, but you’re never really in control of your child.

What, you don’t believe me? Are you raising a brow right now? Just wait until your child hits the NO stage. The one where he doesn’t want to keep his clothes on. Or his diaper. And when he starts peeing all around the house because he thinks it’s fun. When he doesn’t want to eat what you put on his plate. Or when he lays limp and doubles his body weight, in a successful attempt at preventing you from taking him wherever you need him to be.

Those are the moments when you get the message loud and clear — you’re not in control of this wonderful stubborn little person with big feelings. You never were. And punishing him or forcing him to do things your way won’t help you either.

Once you realize you’re not in control, you’ll feel relieved. You can stop worrying that you’re going to lose control — you can’t lose something you never had. What you can do, however, is focusing on what really is in your power — to model the child’s behavior and lead by example. That — along with patience — are the only weapons you have in this power struggle.

Being Gentle Is Hard. Harder Than Any Alternative.

Isn’t it easier to raise your voice than to speak softly when you get mad? To accuse than to tell how you feel when you’re hurt? To choose to say nothing than to say I’m sorry when you realize you’ve made a mistake? To be harsh than to be gentle when you’re afraid you’re losing control?

Being gentle is hardly easy. Gentle parenting is… tough. Sweet life isn’t a piece of cake. But don’t make it harder on yourself by living with the illusion that you’re in control of your child. And try a bit more to put first your relationship with the child, rather than your status.

If you ask me, putting your relationship first is the easiest way to be a gentler parent, assuming you’ve convinced yourself that there’s nothing to worry about who controls whom. When your relationship with the child matters more than your ego, you’ll look at every decision through a new lens — the lens of “is this necessary?”. Gentle and trustful parenting really is the most natural way of doing it.

And still, there’s one more thing you need to be aware of.

This Being Said…

As much as you want to lead by example, you’re still the one who needs to lead. You’re still the adult in the relationship you’re fostering. And you still carry the responsibility. This being said, gently doesn’t have to mean soft.

You need to set an example. But also to set boundaries. Your child needs those boundaries so that the huge scary world feels more definite and less intimidating to him. He needs you to act like the adult you are, and not throw tantrums when things don’t work your way.

Gentle parenting is never harsh, but always firm. That firmness comes from being aware of the necessary limits and knowing how to set those limits.

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