A Warrior’s Guide for Setting Limits for Children…
…without feeling like you’re wrestling an alligator.
Setting limits is part of a parent’s job description. Just like breaking them is part of the child’s job description. I know I felt highly conflictual about this whole story as my little guy started to crawl, and I was supposed to tell him “no”. I soon realized that nothing else was coming out of my mouth other than no. So, there I was, having to set limits and bear all the guilt that comes with it.
Is this really necessary?
Am I saying no because it’s dangerous or because I don’t want to deal with it?
Is it OK to say no because I don’t want to deal with it?
He’s so funny when he grunts — should I laugh or stay frowned and impose the damn limit?
Oh, my, he’s not giving up — how do I impose the limit so he won’t learn he can ignore me and get away with it?
Many questions, plenty of talking in a high-pitched tone, and adult tantrums come with the process. At least to me, it did. But it doesn’t have to be like that. And I felt incredibly relieved once I learned what I was doing wrong.
How To Set Limits Effectively and Gently
First, forget brute force — it doesn’t work like that.
Using force to impose a limit turns you into an aggressor. It’s not practical, and, if we’re honest, it can prove quite dangerous in the long run. To make your life easier, enter the game aware that you must keep your cool.
Children want to express their independence. They have sheer stubbornness running through their veins. And it’s what their bodies need to thrive in this world.
You may not like that your child doesn’t do what you ask in an instant. But can you imagine him never telling you No and still standing up for himself in relation to others? We often want our kids to be fighters, but not with us. Nope, you can’t have that, so pick your side!
Once you change your attitude, you can go to war armed with patience and the following gold rules:
- State the rule and the consequences of breaking it
2. Expect opposition and embrace it
3. Be prepared to repeat the rule more than once
4. Keep your calm as you’re facing opposition (or try, it’s a work in progress)
5. Communicate what you’re going to do
6. Act on it
7. Breathe and let the child protest (and breathe again)
Theory on How To Make Practice Easier Than Wrestling an Alligator
Apart from knowing that you’ll face resistance and that it’s absolutely normal, at least in the beginning? Well, there are, indeed, a couple of things that can make rules application smoother.
Only use rules that your child really needs to follow.
Nobody enjoys living by too many rules. But how can you know if a rule is mandatory? Think about it — when the child is rushing towards the street, you enter into tiger mode and grab him by the hand to pull him back. You couldn’t care less about his cries, because you know his life was in danger. If, on the other hand, you’re fighting over something, he starts to cry, and you’re willing to give up on the rule at his first cry, chances are it’s not a mandatory rule. And you might want to reconsider keeping it in place.
Children feel your hesitation like sharks smell a drop of blood in the immensity of the ocean. Don’t you100% believe in the limit you’re trying to set? You won’t succeed. So, begin with an essential list of non-negotiable rules. It should be about things that put his life or health in danger and things that affect other people’s comfort (more like social rules for outings).
Do some inner work so you can stop dreading the child’s opposition.
Coping with our son’s crying was one of the hardest things my husband and I had to do as parents. I don’t mean the hunger or the tired cries, but the I’m-so-mad-at-you-you’re-a-horrible-parent kind of crying, where he would want to climb on a cupboard and throw away all the oil bottles we stored up there, and we wouldn’t let him.
I know that many parents would do anything to stop the child from crying, including letting him sit in the car without the seatbelt on.
I also know what immense inner work it takes to accept that children often get upset and cry a lot and that this has nothing to do with you. Breathing through the child’s countless crying sessions over the day is a valuable skill that will help you keep your sanity and the child’s. Because when you keep your calm during such shitty storms, you no longer act in ways that make you feel like a horrible parent.
Now, the first step in doing so is to anticipate it. Expect children to cry about rules and express some opposition before willing to cooperate on the rule. And remember that these cries that split your head in two are actually a normal sign that your child is expressing emotions — for now, he doesn’t know how to do it otherwise. As long as he doesn’t hurt himself or others (splitting your head in two doesn’t count), it’s only natural and perfectly OK to let him cry about it.
There are no wrong emotions. Expect the child to have strong feelings and to let them overflow when you first impose a rule.
Do your best to explain the rule and its consequences in language that the child can truly understand.
A child cannot want to follow a rule if he doesn’t understand it. When you tell a child not to do something, you must use words he understands and make connections he’s aware of.
When my son was smaller, he would often want to climb on the second-floor railing in our home. His grandfather would try to convince him not to do it by threatening him that he’ll fall and get to the hospital. As a child who didn’t experience any severe injury by that time and who didn’t have any memory of ever going to a hospital, my dad’s explanations meant nothing to him.
What worked out better was to help him remind of that time he got an injury at his finger, where we put some betadine and bandaid, and how it hurt him for a couple of days. Then, we tried to emphasize and tell him that falling from upstairs would be much worse and cause him even more severe pain. How he might be forced to stay in bed for a long time and not be able to play with the toys that he loves so much if he gets injured. And it seemed to work better because those were things that the two-year-old had a better understanding of and resonated better with.
Don’t watch your child in the eye if you’re getting furious.
We look horrible when we’re infuriated. No, really — if someone caught us on camera and replay in slow motion, we would be terrified by the looks and the grimaces we make when we lose control. Children may not be able to replay it in slow motion, but they can certainly get a sense of the storm inside of us and panic.
If you’re getting really angry, try to avoid looking the child in the eye — it will only scare him even more.
Also, refrain from too many explanations — you could repeat the rule and take him out of the inconvenient situation without many other explanations. When you both calm down, you can talk about it. But not in the heat of the moment.
If a miracle happens and the child follows the rule from his initiative, let him know you’ve noticed and that you appreciate it.
This, of course, is for later on, when you’ve overcome the initial hurdles. One day, the child may take you by surprise and reach out for your hand as you’re getting ready to cross the street. Wow, he understood and now respects the rule. Make sure to let him know you’ve noticed and you appreciate it!
No need to make a happy dance or praise him to the moon and back. And no rewards either! Acknowledge. Let him know what this means for him and what it means to you. Something along the lines of “I’m glad you reached out for my hand so we can cross the street together. It keeps you safe, and I am more tranquil because of it.” should do it.
A Kind Reminder
Rules are meant to keep children safe, but they become capable of navigating through life a bit easier as they grow up. And so, old rules may no longer be necessary, while new ones might have to be enforced. Reevaluate as the child grows.
Don’t you worry; your kid will be a constant reminder of it, as he’ll regularly try to push those limits. Your job is to pay attention to the clues and decide.
Is he capable of crossing the street by himself yet? Should you let him buy ice cream alone? If it feels right and he looks ready, go for it. If not just yet, hang in there — you’re not a bad parent for enforcing the rules that keep him out of danger.
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