#Mentoo
How I “Evacuated” My Friend From An Abusive Relationship
Why are men still the invisible victims in our society?
Last night around midnight my friend called me in distress over Skype. I was already in bed and was just about to decline the call when a message popped up.
“It’s urgent. Please pick up.”
So I did, I was a bit baffled to see him along with his mother, a 76-year-old lady on the video. But what shocked me more was the state that my friend was in: his left eye was swollen and he had visible scratches on his cheeks. At that moment I knew that this would be a long night ahead.
My friend has been emotionally and physically abused by his girlfriend. This time though he has somehow managed to find the courage and will to escape. He fled — straight to his mothers. Please let me tell you that we are talking here about a 42-year-old man, educated, successful business manager and a father.
Yes, he has a baby boy with his girlfriend.
“What happened!? Are you alright?”
Of course, he is not. This wasn’t the first time she assaulted him. But the intriguing question was over what?
Apparently, the whole day went okay until a piece of Christmas decorations that was glued to the board fell off. She went ballistic.
He assured her that he will fix it and that there is nothing to worry about. He fixed it — the little decorative “pigeon” or whatever it was, was back just where she likes it to be, on the wall along with other Christmas crap.
But unfortunately, due to his “recklessness”, some glue fell on the table underneath the board. His girlfriend didn’t like it. She commanded him to clean it up, and so he did. But it wasn’t clean, not to her standards.
“You’ve just ruined my table!!!”
“I didn’t, it’s clean…Look! There is nothing. Please calm down, you are upsetting the baby…”
“No! You ruined it, you piece of shit. This is my table and we now need to get rid of it!”
“I didn’t and if we want to be factual, it isn’t your table. I bought it with my father two years ago, long before I’ve met you…Please just calm down…I will sort it…”
That’s when she attacked him: punched him multiple times, scratched his face and dragged the table out of the apartment — to get rid of it. At that moment her mother to help him calm her down.
Her mother arrived shortly, but only to attack him along with her daughter.
He had to leave, and he had to leave his baby boy behind. When closing the door he could hear her screaming:
- “You will never see my child again!”
- “You will pay me spousal support!” (even though they aren’t married)
- “You will pay for this, I will tell everyone that you assaulted me!”
- “I will report you for the neglect of the child!”
- “I must know where are you going?! Where are you going?!!!”
Her mother stood by her. Of course, she did. Like mother like daughter as they say.
Abusers are raised by abusers.
My friend has experienced all possible incidents of abuse in the last year:
- She has forced him to have sex with her when he didn’t want to;
- She was constantly accusing him of sleeping with other people;
- She was frequently trying to kiss and touch him when he didn’t want to (she bit his lips on multiple occasions that caused bleeding);
- She has hit, punched and pulled his hair ;
- She used threatening objects to make him stay at home and work from home;
- She has taken all his credit and debits cards off him.
But what she didn’t know is that my friend has created a safety plan.
- He contacted his family and friends;
- He found a safe place where to stay;
- He saved a small amount of money;
- He talked to an attorney;
- He spoke to the therapist, psychiatrist and provided them with the recordings of her verbal abuse;
The next day he went to gather his things and he was smart enough not to go alone but with a third party as he was sure that she would cause problems if he goes alone.
She behaved, like all abusers do when they are outnumbered.
“Now the biggest victim is his baby boy. What will happen to him? How will this all go down?”
You see, lawyers advise you to gather evidence of the abuse. They say having a record of the abuse will help in legal action in the future, especially if you share children or property. Which he unfortunately does.
He took a mortgage on the apartment and it’s on both of them, but he is the one paying it.
Lawyers say take pictures of injuries, destroyed items, pictures of any physical injuries to you. They say — if you don’t have it reported (written down) then it didn’t happen.
But is this enough, really? Does the system really work like this?
I am not sure. I know a few more people who aren’t sure as well. What I am sure of is that there are many men who share the same belief or rather disbelief in the system.
The truth is men are invisible victims of relationship abuse. Ain’t I right, Maxwell Jordan?
I am unable to find a single phone on “Pexels” or “Unsplash” depicting a woman beating or intimidating a man. Because when we think of abusive relationships, we default to the belief that a woman is a victim and the man is the abuser.
We don’t imagine men as the victims. We don’t want to.
But there are so many male victims in abusive relationships right now. We all know at least one guy who is now being abused, beaten, belittled and is suffering.
The issue is that these men stay silent. They let it go. I worry that my friend will too let it go just because he is scared to be perceived as weak.
“What is he, some kind of pussy? Staying with his mummy, not being able to see his own son… Unable to get back into his house to pack his own stuff… You weak, foolish man! Piece of shit!”
It’s been just a day since he has left. He wonders if the remaining stuff is destroyed. He wonders what will she do next. But most of all he is thinks of the baby.
His baby. Her baby. Their baby!
We urge him to go to the authorities but the truth is that they are less likely to take reports of domestic violence with a male victim seriously. Male victims of domestic abuse are often told it’s “Oh common, it mustn’t be that bad!” or “She must be on her PMS, just chill…”
Male victims are three times less likely to confess they are suffering from domestic abuse than female victims. Women report abusers, and they should.
Men should report abusers too— but most importantly they must be taken seriously.
My friend is depressed, suicidal and lost.
Men would rather take their own lives than admit that they are being abused by their wives/girlfriends.
This needs to stop.
Today, my friend is in a safe place. If he has managed to take that first step so will you. If you are being abused by your spouse, don’t wait, take action now.
You are not alone. And if you have children then it is your duty to keep them safe. But in order to save your children, you must save yourself first.
#AbuseHasNoExcuse #MenToo
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