How Does It Feel To Be Brain Dead?

This is the toughest story I written. It was a clear struggle.

Yes, it is the toughest indeed. It is tough not because of the content or writing. I struggle to appropriately capture the sentiments I have. I am suffering from a mental fog. I couldn’t think straight.

I also struggle to find the right words to describe them.

Yes, I am brain dead.

For some reason, I couldn’t sleep for 8 hours in one sitting. I slept. Got up. Tossed and turned. Peed. Tossed and turned again. Slept. Got up. Repeat that routine throughout the night. Then replicate for 3 nights.

The end-result? The walking dead.

If I didn’t have prior client appointments, I guess I would have buttressed myself to the sofa. Fortunately, I was able to pull myself out of bed and get up.

The entire day felt like a fleeting experience. I couldn’t feel my legs touching the ground as I floated forward. For some reason, fluorescent lights within the mall and train stations seemed brighter than usual. I felt as if I was under strong luminous assault wherever I went.

Strange things happen when we are not ourselves.

I never rushed onto the train. Never before. I never saw the need to do so. Today, I did. And I raced to a seat. My mum would not have been proud to see me occupying a seat designated for the elderly. I don’t know why. My body seems to have a mind of its own and yet my mind is blank.

Maybe it is survival mode? Energy conversation? Whoops, I typed wrongly.

I meant, energy conservation?

Gosh, the more I try to focus, the more I can’t. Anyway, back to the train moment. I couldn’t bring myself to do a social media post while commuting. That’s my usual routine. Instead, I was mindlessly scrolling. I read nothing. Nothing clicked. I liked nothing. I commented nothing.

Then, I tried to close my eyes for a rest. They refused.

When I alighted at the designated station, I found myself in a state of decision paralysis. Usually, I wouldn’t think twice. I would just bounce up the flight of steps. Now, I stare hard at the flight of stairs, escalator and elevator side by side. Thinking — if I am actually thinking — of the option to take.

As embarrassing as it was, I took the elevator.

I suspect that my cheeks malfunctioned.

They didn’t even bother to turn red when I squeezed myself into an elevator filled with elders, pregnant ladies and mums-with-prams. It must be a reptilian brain response. It must be a survival-at-stake reflex. I stared into space to avoid cold eye daggers. It’s okay to be a reptile once in a while, I reconciled with myself.

I think I must have sprinted out of the elevator when the doors finally opened. It was a valiant 10-meter sprint. I couldn’t last. I resumed walking and was looking back to see if there were any elevator-peers right behind me. There was no one. I felt excessively jittery and nervous. Beads of sweat appeared in my palms.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Behave normally!” — I screamed into myself. I collected myself after a couple of deep breaths. Then I proceeded to the designated meeting point feeling slightly better about myself after getting my spirits back.

“At least I am 10 minutes early.”

I left my bag at one of the tables prominent from the entrance and proceeded to order a double shot. And for once, the Coffee spell failed me. I didn’t feel the effects of caffeine and all I could taste was caffeine, which was actually weird.

Then I was counting down to the appointment, dying for it to be over so I could springboard back into bed. 20 minutes in and it was still a no-show. Feeling more frustrated than usual, I decided to do a follow-up call in order to assess if a further wait will bear any fruit.

Indeed, I wasn’t surprised that it wouldn’t. Bundled within an expected response is an unexpected one.

“Isn’t the appointment next week?”

I checked the calendar while still remaining in call. Sigh. Indeed. Seeing more stars than an hour ago, and eager to hug my life-sized teddy bear in bed, I decided to hang up the call fast in order to transport myself home at the speed of light.

I grabbed a cab and taxied home. The moment the back of my head hit the head support at the back seat — I dozed off.

When I arrived at the apartment car-park, my mind was still asleep. I forgot how much I paid for the ride. I couldn’t be bothered anymore. I just wanted to get into the apartment. My legs moved rather swiftly, bringing my head and body along with it.

When I finally got into the apartment, I threw myself onto the sofa and fell into a deep sleep. It didn’t bother me that there were clean clothes on the sofa. I couldn’t bring myself to walk any further.

The hibernation genie has waved its wand at me.

And I responded in kind.

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About the Author:

As a Consultant by training, I believe in making the complex simple.

Because simplicity adds value.

Simplicity helps us gain clarity, and clarity helps us to grow.

And if we are not growing, then what’s the point of anything else?

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