Ask Granny Mary

How, Do You Punctuate?

She’s dead (and she is wise)

If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail. Let’s look at the mail!

Dear Granny Mary: How do you punctuate? I’ve been reading. Your stuff? And I always; always: admire your skill with — punctuation. Its not something I have ever been. Good at!!! Could you/give “guidance (or) advice”? Signed {Do I have to give my real name}?

Hello {?!?}, I appreciate your kind words! Punctuation is deeply personal and widely misunderstood. The key to figuring it out, as a writer, is to figure out what your goal is for the punctuation.

For example, punctuation marks are often used to bring clarity, as in MLA style, or obscurity, as in APA. Ideas are grouped by punctuation in a way that makes it impossible or possible to be understood — whichever is more advantageous for the writer. This is thought to be their primary function, which is exactly what the punctuation marks would like you to think.

Occasionally, punctuation is used to break writing up according to how it is meant to be “heard.” This happens in poetry, in scripts, or written texts of remarks intended to be made aloud. A , is a certain style of pause. A ; is another. ( tells you to pause, and then lower your voice as if you are sharing a secret. ) tells you to raise your voice again, as if nothing happened. { tells you to glare at a person in the front row as if you blame them for every evil thing that befell you in the last years of life, leading ultimately to your death. } tells you to forgive that person with your words, even if you can’t with your heart.

It’s a simple code, though some have made it more complicated — on purpose. For example, a congressional hearing recently revealed a recipe website that inserted punctuation into its charming hummus homily. The terminal punctuation was &^%$%%^^&*. This was found to decrypt as “Be Sure to Drink the Blood of Your Enemies, Dance Upon Their Graves, and Tear Up Their Library Cards.” The internet is a dark place.

How do we use punctuation here at MuddyUm?

As you may or may not know, the Cap’n of MuddyUm makes particular demands as far as punctuation is concerned. She hates (. She hates …. When we outlaws hoist the rag, we sing the — shanty:

There is no ( or ), there is only — There is no [ or ], there is only — There is no …, there is only — There is no ;, there is only — There is only — All the others will be flayed Flayed flayed flayed There is only one One pause One break One aside — — — Heave away boys — heave away

Early on, I had a conversation with the Cap’n about this. I know that sounds weird, me being dead and all, but just go with it. Here’s how that conversation went:

“Why this bizarre fixation on — ?” I asked, “What about ;, …, and (?”

“Those are illusions,” she replied, taking a drag on her scrimshaw opium pipe, “There is only one pause. The one true pause.”

“But the ; and the … have different meanings from the — . There is subtlety and nuance — ”

“There is no nuance! Subtlety is for LOSERS!” She screamed. Then the hazéd veil of the poppy descended behind her eyes. The conversation was over.

Someone may, one day, have the courage to ask the Cap’n what those punctuation marks did to hurt her, but I am not that someone, and today is not that day.

Or maybe I’ve got it wrong. It could be that — has its hooks into the Cap’n one way or the other. We all have secrets. If — knew my secrets and threatened to reveal them unless I developed editorial policies that forbade certain punctuation marks, would I agree? I might.

Or, it could be that the — Office of Propaganda is funneling money into the Cap’n’s offshore accounts (all of the Cap’n’s accounts are offshore). Extortion and bribery are just mirrors of each other. Both are the kind of corruption that feels perfectly at home among pirates, outlaws, and Cap’ns.

These are the conditions that I am forced to work in, {?!?}. It’s probably harder for you, being alive. I’m dead and there’s really nothing the Cap’n could do to punish me. I don’t even have a library card.

We’re not kidding! If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail.

Thanks to Betsy Denson for taking the risk of editing this where others balked. Thanks to Holly J See for regularly encouraging this sort of thing. Thanks to Susan Brearley for the opium.