Do Better
I Can’t Believe You Are Falling for the Chipmunks’ Anti-Squirrel Propaganda
The furry little thugs are very cute and they lie
I’m somewhat aghast that this publication, which I love, has completely fallen for the current wave of anti-squirrel propaganda put out by an extremist chipmunk thinktank located in a bunker next to a nuclear waste site in Nebraska.
A few weeks ago, Sarah Paris wrote a piece decrying the “global threat” that squirrels pose to humanity. It’s sad to see someone — who’s probably a very nice person — fall prey to the lies of the aptly named Tamias Striatus. Sarah very likely doesn’t even realize she’s being astroturfed. It’s always that way with duplicitous Rodentia who are wealthier than God and better looking. They know how to charm you.
Here’s how it works. You know the 1% that lefties go on about? Take 1% of that 1%. And 1% of that 1%.
100% of that last 1% is chipmunk. I wouldn’t lie. The chipmunks would, but not me. And when I said “extremist chipmunk thinktank” I was talking about an extremist thinktank, because all chipmunks are extremists. It’s in their nature.
What’s the source of their fantastic wealth? Investigative reporters haven’t tracked it all down, but, you’ve seen those have-a-penny-take-a-penny trays all over the place? The chipmunks control the entire franchise from New York to Chicago, using violence to enforce their monopoly. You haven’t noticed that more pennies go in than go out? The house wins, my friend, always. And in this case the house is chipmunks.
They’ve been doing this a long, long time. The money and crime build up. Then they invest and do a higher class of crime. They go from being tiny furry thugs to tiny furry oligarchs. They put the odd Senator or School Board Member or District Attorney in their pockets with campaign donations, extortion, or blackmail. Nobody sees it. Nobody wants to see it.
Why?
First, there is the unrelenting PR campaign designed to show that chipmunks are just harmless, amusing, photogenic scamps. Chip and Dale? Alvin and the Chipmunks? Ross Bagdasarian won’t tell you about the midnight visit he got from Theodore “The Enforcer” Chipmunk when he was designing a new cartoon, Alvin and the Marmots, but I’ve got evidence. Let’s just say this: you have a good opinion of chipmunks because it’s in the interest of Deep Chipmunk for you to have such an opinion.
Second, chipmunks make it their business to scapegoat the other forest creatures to draw the heat. They’re good at this. You think it’s the deer eating your sunflowers? The moles are undermining your house? Coyotes are taking your cats? How naïve are you? It’s all chipmunk.
It gets worse.
Jaws? Spielberg was funded by chipmunk shell corporations to demonize sharks. Local news story about a ferocious pit bull? Troll farm clickbait about rabid raccoons? It’s all chipmunk placement.
And now the squirrels. They’re called “tree rats,” which is rat-ist, squirrel-ist, and tree-ist all at the same time. Don’t fall for it. Follow the money. The money all goes back to the chipmunks. Leave the squirrels alone.
And MuddyUm editors? Do better.
Thank you, Amy Sea and Sarah Paris
