Summary

The website content humorously presents a series of fictional debates between Abraham Lincoln and various historical and fictional characters, including Tom Waits, God, Squirtle, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and the author's mother, on a range of absurd and anachronistic topics.

Abstract

In an imaginative twist on historical figures, the content introduces a series of fictitious debates involving President Abraham Lincoln. These debates cover unconventional and whimsical subjects, such as the merits of marriage without a wife, the morality of biblical events, the nature of Pokémon as slaves, and the greatness of Neil Diamond. The debates are portrayed with a mix of humor and satire, pitting Lincoln against an eclectic mix of opponents, including the musician Tom Waits, the deity God, the Pokémon Squirtle, the politician Marjorie Taylor Greene, and the author's own mother. The article is a parody, using the debates to lampoon various cultural and political issues, and it concludes each round with a humorous nod to Lincoln's rhetorical prowess and his opponents' outlandish arguments.

Opinions

The Virginia lawmaker's bill is sarcastically described as "entirely not-racist," implying a critical view of the bill's true intent or effectiveness.
The author seems to mock the absurdity of historical revisionism by suggesting that Abe Lincoln debated figures like Frederick Douglass and others, which is historically inaccurate.
Tom Waits is portrayed as a chaotic and incoherent debater, with his responses filled with growls and song lyrics, contrasting sharply with Lincoln's eloquence.
The debate with God is used to critique the deity's perceived arrogance and the use of the silent treatment as a debate tactic, with the judges ruling in favor of Lincoln.
Squirtle's inclusion as a debate opponent satirizes the anthropomorphization of Pokémon and the depth to which their fictional status can be analyzed.
Marjorie Taylor Greene's portrayal is heavily critical, presenting her arguments as conspiratorial and nonsensical, with Lincoln dismissing her with a desire for pie.
The author's mother is depicted as having an undeniable admiration for Neil Diamond, with the debate concluding that Lincoln is convinced of Diamond's greatness based on her passionate arguments.

Newly Discovered!

Lincoln Debated My Mom!

His position on Pokémon will shock you

Photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash (edited by author)

A Virginia lawmaker submitted an entirely not-racist bill mandating social studies reform. In it, they reveal the previously unknown fact that Abe Lincoln once debated Frederick Douglass! Shockingly, the bill reveals other previously unknown debate opponents for the Great Emancipator. Here are excerpts from those debates:

Tom Waits

Question for debate: Are you better off without a wife?

Lincoln: We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.

Waits: I knew a girl heat me up a bear claw on the radar range hubba hubba heh heh heh She took all my money! And my best friend!

Lincoln: I laugh because I must not cry, that is all, that is all.

Waits: heh heh heh

God

Question for debate: Was the killing of all the first born sons of Egypt genocide or justice?

God’s strategy was to affect outrage, saying, “I won’t even dignify that with a response!”

Abraham pulled the famous Bridget Jones’ maneuver, walking off stage in a well orchestrated — forgive the technical term — “huff.” His snub was so effective that the judges immediately gave the debate to Lincoln on points, noting that God came off like a “gaslighty, po-faced, loser boy prick.”

Squirtle

Question for debate: Are Pokémon slaves who should be freed?

Squirtle: Squirtle squirtle squirtle. Squirtlesquirtlesquirtlesquitle. 1) Squirtle, 2) Squirtle, squirtle, 3) Squirtle.

Lincoln: Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves.

Squirtle: Squirtle! Squirtlesquirtle! Squirtle squirtle squirtle squirtle; squirtle squirtle. (Squirtle.)

Lincoln: You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Marjorie Taylor Greene

Question for debate: Good Lord, woman, what ails you?

MTG: I’d just like to start by pointing out that this debate is just the kind of thing they did in Nazi Germany.

Lincoln: What?

MTG: Where do these questions come from? I don’t know? Are these questions created by the Deep State, or by the Democrats, or by pedophile pizza makes? I don’t know. I’m just asking the question.

Lincoln: —

MTG: And you with your beard and your responses! That’s exactly the kind of thing that led to the murder of six million Jews. And what have you done? Freed the slaves? Just like Nazi Germany! Who are you going to force to be free next Mister Great Emancipator? Women? Take your tyranny somewhere else!

Lincoln: Okay. I win. Time for pie.

My Mom

Question for debate: Is Neil Diamond the greatest singer/songwriter of all time?

My Mom: It’s self-evidently true. There is no argument against.

Lincoln: Okay, you’ve convinced me.

My Mom: Look at the list. Cherry Cherry. Holly Holy. Sweet Caroline. Play Me. The entire Jonathan Livingston Seagull soundtrack.

Lincoln: Okay. Okay. You made your point. Don’t push it.

My Mom: Also, he was very good looking!

Lincoln: Yes! Phwaw! He was hot. I mean, he is the sun, I am the moon. He is the words, I am the tune. I wish he would play me!

My Mom: You kiss your mother with that mouth?