Saying “Uncle”

I Am Ralphie. I Apologize for Insurrecting.

By Ralph “Ralphie” Parker

For the past year, a number of videos of me during the January 6, 2021 riots have been widely viewed on the internet. Multiple Federal indictments are pending. My court date approaches.

So, this is me apologizing to my family and friends and my fans who know me only as the kid who wants a BB gun in A Christmas Story, that movie that runs all day on Thanksgiving. To my Mom, my brother, Randy, and to the spirit of My Old Man (RIP), I’m sorry for getting caught. I want to assure you all, this is not who I am. I never get caught. I take full responsibility for my own actions, and I want to be absolutely clear about something: This was all the fault of Scut Farkus.

I trusted Scut, I’ll admit it. Many of us did. He spoke a truth, his truth, and the fact that his truth was demonstrably false and cruel doesn’t change that. He was the epitome of what I wish was strength and character, with that bizarrely colored hair, and those attractive yellow eyes. He has yellow eyes!

You could hear it in his speeches. He was speaking for us when he pointed to the liberal fake media and said, “What? Are you gonna cry? You gonna cry? Go ahead! Cry! Cry, baby, cry!” The invitation we all got from his toady, Grover Dill, esq., said, “You! Come here! Yeah, you!”

Of course we went!

There’s this idea out there that everyone who went to the rally was driven by bizarre QAnon posts, and lizard persons, and pizza pedophile conspiracy theories. Nothing could be further from the truth. The messages I received and decoded using the Little Orphan Annie Decoder Pin made complete sense. There was one that read:

Pack some food You’ll be gone for days Look good streaming They’re Coming for Our Guns! Ovaltine

Another read:

Scut Farkus won They cheated in so many ways Rise up and kill the lousy Stinking socialist anarchist feminist BLM antifa demons Ovaltine

Also, no, I am not some crazy racist! At every point in my life, at every significant event recorded and presented as if for a holiday film that is both wry and nostalgic, there is at least one black kid mixed in the crowd in the background. I couldn’t possibly be racist. These “white supremacist” and “nazi” allegations are bunk. My best friend — well, my second best friend — is Schwarz!¹

Case. Closed.

I never wanted to hurt anyone. I brought my Red Ryder Carbine Action 200 Shot Range Model Air Rifle With a Compass and this Thing That Tells Time in the Stock with me to Washington only to protect myself against the “urban element.” But I left it in the car. I was afraid I’d shoot some kid’s eye out.

Here’s the thing: I wanted my country back, the kind of country where the Old Man can win a major award because he knows the name of the Lone Ranger’s nephew’s horse! Is that too much to ask? (Okay, it was my Mom who knew that, but My Old Man won the award, which is completely fair.)

I want an orderly country. A country where there are three kinds of people: the bullies, the toadies, and the nameless rabble of victims. A place for everyone and everyone in their place. We all suck up to the bully and hope he picks on someone else. That’s the America I grew up in, and it worked fine.

So, when Scut Farkus got on stage to speak, and said, “We’re going to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue — and I’ll be right there with you — and we’re going make Congress say ‘Uncle!’ Say it with me, ‘Say ‘uncle!’ Again! ‘Say ‘uncle!’” It was mesmerizing.

I mean, he was lying. I know that now. He didn’t walk down Pennsylvania Avenue with us as we chanted, “Say uncle!” We were misled. But Scut Farkus has yellow eyes. Who could fail to be moved by that? Not me! That’s for sure.

Thank you for accepting this heartfelt apology.

¹Editors note: We’re not sure what Mr. Parker is getting at. Schwarz means “black” but Schwarz was a white kid, descended from protestant German parents.