Dear Cisters

How Do I Help My Daughter Tell Her Friends (And Their Parents?!) That She’s Trans?

Gender reveals are a tricky topic

Welcome to Dear Cisters, the column that’s more like Dear Abby than the Savage Lovecast (offsite links). I’m your host Stephenie Magister, a transgender writer/nerd/editor for award-winning and best-selling books.

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Letter

Hi Stephenie!

I have a question for your transgender soapbox (anonymous please). How should a parent talk to other parents who knew their child before transition? Especially if the other parents’ religious/political affiliations makes one worry how they will react to your child being trans?

If it was just me, I’d stop being friends with them. Life is too short.

But my daughter and their son are still friends.

I mean good friends.

Probably better than ever since their son stuck with my daughter through her transition.

If the parents noticed, they haven’t said anything. But since our kids only see each other at school, I honestly have no idea if the son’s parents know or not.

Should I just be like, “Hey, I don’t know if your kid told you, but my kid’s name is now this? Pronouns are these?”

Did I mention the family is a member of one of the religions that (stereo)typically believes it’s okay to hate my daughter’s “sin” but not the sinner? Then to hold their heads high as though that doesn’t hurt my daughter anyway? 😬😬😬

I don’t want to sound overly resentful or anxious, but well, things really are getting dicey out there for trans people. My daughter is one of those people. If that means I need to shout a little louder to empower her to speak just as loudly on her own…

PS. My daughter is now reminding me I can empower her by minding my own business from time to time lol ❤

Sincerely,

Overly Protective Parent

Answer

Dear OPP,

For me, I’d want to be direct. After talking to my kid to see whether we are in agreement that being public and open is worth it. If your daughter is otherwise out, is it worth being direct with the parents if that means facing an unpleasant reaction from them?

If your daughter isn’t ready to face that (or just flat out doesn’t want to lol), she gets a say in whether living her authentic life includes telling her best friend’s parents that she’s trans to their faces.

She’s going to…err…face these kinds of situations for the rest of her life.

As a mom, you can help her lean into the poetry of owning these decisions. There will be legitimate times when she doesn’t need to come out and can keep it to herself. There will be others when it might have helped, but…

Just help her see that not choosing to live openly means those parents might find out some other way instead. Choosing to say nothing is still a choice, you know?

If your daughter chooses to say something

This is a powerful opportunity for the two of you to come together as women. I suspect you’ve faced your own coming out challenges, even if they weren’t necessarily to do with your orientation or gender. Most cis women transition, too, you know.

Then again, so do most men.

Whatever the two of you decide, I would just keep yourself emotionally available for your daughter. She may need you if the parents have an unpleasant reaction. And remember, they can find out and have an unpleasant reaction even if your daughter chooses to do nothing.

If the parents have a harmful reaction

I’m including if you decide you need to say something. That could be for your daughter’s benefit, but it could also be for yours. Be honest with your daughter about your own feelings, boundaries, and limits.

Along with just helping your daughter process whatever she’s feeling and experiencing, you can help her assess whether the parents are dangerous or just difficult. A lot of people want to be better, but they’re starting from a place of ignorance we take for granted.

They have a lot of ground to cover.

All we can ask is for them to take those steps and take responsibility when there’s a misstep. And there will be missteps, especially if they struggle to accept who their son has chosen as a friend.

Because the friendship between your daughter and their son isn’t up to anyone but your daughter and their son.

You and I and all parents remember that when we were kids, we found ways to stay connected to the people who showed up for us. No one could keep us apart.

In the genetically modified words of Jeff Goldblum, friendship finds a way.

Sincerely,

Stephenie (and Sydney)