Dear Cisters, you (probably) transitioned too

Do you believe in time travel? If it helps, think of this as science fiction.

As I type this, I’m in my late 30s. Close enough to forty that I sometimes refer to myself as though I’m already there.

Most people my age are having a mid-life crisis. The rest of us are struggling through the pandemic anyway. It feels like any scrap of good news is as rare as being struck by a bolt of lightning. We need food. Safety. Security. A new stand-up special from Ali Wong — oh there it is!

I’m not saying all of that isn’t important, but me? I can’t stop thinking about time travel.

The only power source capable is a bolt of lightning

I wish I could go back to when I was younger. I know the experiences of cis girls can be just as horrifying as mine were — see “I Am Trash” — even if for different reasons.

But it’s that last thought that keeps tripping me up. Just what am I so desperate to go back and experience?

Because the more I stop to articulate what separates womanhood from a cis vs trans girl, the more I find myself connecting with the flux capacitor that unites us.

Cis women transition, too, you see.

From a certain point of view

What I’m saying is that from a certain point of view, cis women transition too.

Like I said, if it helps, think of this as science fiction.

There are a few lucky among us who are born with healthy self-worth. Well, we aren’t so much born with it as our caretakers cultivate self-worth in us. Those caretakers display it in themselves, they teach us how to have it, they model how to connect with others and negotiate conflict and differences.

But most of us struggle HARD with self-worth. It’s hard to see ourselves in a good light. It’s hard to believe others see us in a good light.

And as fun as it would be to apply that to all aspects of being hooman, this is about seeing ourselves in a good light as women.

Being a woman

For the rest of us, we encounter a point at which we take an honest look at ourselves as women.

We ask if we count as women to others. To ourselves. We ask if others see us as worthy. We ask ourselves, too. We ask if the world reacts to us as we expect it would if we were good enough. We wonder why we don’t react as though we’re good enough, either.

If we make it to the other side of that black hole, then we find out what comes next. Because listen, there’s good stuff over there. But you have to find out what comes AFTER those first few steps.

We’re sending you back…to the future

You know that part of Back to the Future where changing something at one point in time changes stuff at ALL points of time? Marty’s actions in the present affect the future, which affects the past, which affects the present, which rewrites the entire timeline…

Transitioning is like going back in time and being born cisgender. In a weird way, it’s helped me get past the biggest obstacle yet. It was always going to hold me back until I was ready to take an honest look at it.

I am not becoming a girl. I have always been one. My memories tell me new truths based on seeing myself as a girl at points of my past that used to confuse and shame me.

In Back to the Future, the flux capacitor is responsible for preserving the timeline. Without the flux capacitor, the DeLorean would never cross the barrier between now and then. But with it?

Everything suddenly makes sense.

Shared timelines

For as long as there have been women, we have faced people who tell us what makes a person count as a woman.

Just this week, Sydney Sweeney — the star of several acclaimed movies and TV shows, including The Voyeurs, The White Lotus, and last but not least Euphoria — said that early in her career (GQ Magazine), a man in the business told her she didn’t have “the look” to ever make it as a star.

But when men tell us we aren’t pretty enough, they don’t believe what they’re saying. They’re just trying to make us prove ourselves to them.

Then we turn those same words on ourselves and say that whatever disqualifies us to another person is enough to disqualify us to ourselves.

We look at ourselves and say our bodies, our faces, our voices, our clothes, our mannerisms — they determine not just our worth. They determine our identities. Prove this or else.

But if someone else tells you x/y/z proves you don’t count as a woman, you are facing the same struggle as all women.

If you tell yourself x/y/z proves you don’t count as a woman, you are facing the same struggle as all women.

We all worry we don’t count. Me having transgender experiences doesn’t invalidate whether I am or ever was a girl.

There are aspects of being trans that are unique to being cis — just as there are aspects unique to ME being trans versus anyone else — but as regards these questions of worthy womanhood?

I’d be facing the same kind of struggle with or without transgender experiences.

It’s just part of being a girl to worry this part of my body invalidates me as a woman. I used to think this feeling — what I sometimes refer to as dysphoria — meant I wasn’t a woman. Then I started talking to cis women about that feeling, too.

In a weird way, these feelings and experiences are the one thing all women share.

In celebration of all who are in the Gender Funky Family

Embrace what makes you queer. Embrace what makes you different. But don’t forget to embrace what unites us, too.

If this offends you, don’t worry. You don’t even need to get up to 88mph to change your timeline. All you need is a bolt of lightning.

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