Relationships

How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships and Love Life

Secure attachment leads to hot sex and more importantly lasting supportive love.

“Secure attachment is the foundation of the three big development lines: self-development, relational development, and emotional development.” ~Daniel P. Brown

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who drains all of your energy? What about someone who is emotionally or sexually unavailable? I know several people who have gone ten years without intimacy in their marriage and that would be unacceptable to me.

People give up on finding true love after experiencing multiple bad relationships. I know there were many times I started to question whether “my one” really existed. I started to wonder if something was wrong with me or if my expectations were unreasonable. But then, I would look at my mom and dad and remember that true love does exist.

The problem is that we need secure attachments in order to form a secure foundation for a relationship. In today’s world, there is more chaos, substance abuse, depression, neglect, and abuse which makes it rare for parents to provide children with secure attachments. Our parents create the expectation at a very early age for how love should feel. As adults, how our parents met our emotional and physical needs as children determines how we react when emotionally triggered in relationships.

I recently bonded and fell in love with someone very special. Finally, right??! All I can say is that when you know, you know, and suddenly all of the past heartache matters. We have had some deep meaningful conversations about why this particular relationship seems to be flowing well after both of us had experienced nightmares, quite frankly.

We agreed that we both believe it was the foundation on which we were raised that is responsible for the stability and ease of our relationship. His parents have a similar loving relationship to mine. They have been married and in love their whole adult lives. When there is conflict, our parents resolve it respectfully and quietly. They taught us love, compassion, strong family support, respect, and good morals and values. They also allowed us to be ourselves and develop our sense of wonder because we both felt safe and well cared for.

We both have secure attachment styles which allows us to have a healthy secure relationship. I have no doubt he will always have my back, and likewise I will have his. We can talk about anything. He is my safe space, “my one”. Some may say it is too soon to know or that we are moving too fast, but there will always be the naysayers. Like I mentioned previously when you know, you know. I feel the love in his touch. It is the best feeling on earth to be cherished by someone.

“Being secure within yourself and knowing your worth will create authenticity and freedom in your relationships.” ~Ultimatefreedomclub.com

I had a talk with my adult daughter the other day because I didn’t want her to think she would never have a healthy relationship just because her dad and I are divorced. You can still have a secure attachment even from a single-family home if your parent provided you with a nurturing environment. Her dad and I happened to divorce amicably, and we still spend holidays together, but that is relatively rare. So, I have no doubt she is secure, and she agreed with me.

If you were not raised in a nurturing environment, you may have one of three insecure attachment styles and that does not mean you are doomed in a relationship, it simply means you need to be more aware and make necessary changes.

The Three Insecure Attachment Styles Are:

• Anxious Attachment — the parent was inconsistent in responsiveness and availability causing confusion in the child. As an adult this person may be clingy and find trust difficult.
• Avoidant Attachment — parent was neglectful, so the child learned to play alone and believed no one was there to meet their needs. As an adult they are very independent.
• Disorganized Attachment — parent was abusive or there was a lot of chaos in the house, so the child was fearful. The adult has trust issues and has a push pull relationship where they pull you in but get scared and push you away.

Recognizing your attachment style is important because, for example, a person with anxious attachment will be best suited with someone with secure attachment who can reassure them when triggered. This person will need reassurance they really are loved and wanted.

The good news is once you are aware of your attachment style you can work with a therapist or relationship coach to raise your emotional intelligence and gravitate toward secure attachment. Raising emotional intelligence will improve your communication and choices you are making with your partner and also raise the level of empathy you have for your partner.

We tend to reinvent in our adult life what we had in childhood. Subconsciously, if you were abused as a child, you may tend to seek abusive partners. We can continue to work on ourselves, to face our fears of love, our personal vulnerabilities, increase our empathy, set boundaries, break self-limiting patterns and practice self-respect to walk away from a relationship when it is unhealthy.

“Purposefully created, and created for a purpose, you are here at this very moment to become the-best-version-of-yourself.” ~ Matthew Kelly

Being in a stable supportive relationship provides me with peace so that I can continue to grow into the best version of myself and thrive. Our partner should want to see us shine, and mine sure does. He is my biggest cheerleader, and I am eternally grateful.

“Hot sex doesn’t lead to secure love; rather, secure attachment leads to hot sex — and also to love that lasts.” ~ Dr. Sue Johnson

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I would love for you to comment and tell me more about yourself and your experience with love in life. We all have so much to learn from each other. I am particularly inspired by the relationship Art Bram has with his lovely wife. I invite you to click here to join the Medium Partner Program to read and write unlimited articles.