Sex/Relationships
A Squeaky Bed Almost Ruined My Marriage
“I can fix it.”
When my partner and I first moved into our new home, we promptly got a big, wooden-framed bed.
It seemed like the thing to do then, and my partner was eager to have a piece of “grown-up-looking” furniture in our brand-new bedroom. It was California king-size and had a pretty headboard design.
Perfect!
Until it wasn’t.
You’d be surprised how distracting a squeaky bed can be during sex — especially when you have kids in the house.
Or maybe you wouldn’t be surprised because you’ve had this experience.
Over time and through the years of our marriage and raising kids, our big bed started squeaking. Then it got squeaker. Then, it got so bad that it started becoming a major issue in our sex life.
In a house with thin walls, two kids, and close proximity to rooms, a squeaky bed is a major buzzkill for sex. The constant shushing of each other during sex, our attempts at turning on fans, or trying to use YouTube sounds for sex noise blockers made both my partner and me extremely cranky night after night, month after month, and year after year.
I would have been happy just burning the wooden bed and sleeping on the floor at my height of frustration. However, my partner didn’t want to give up the big, beautiful bed. He tried to tweak it by sticking small pieces of wood into the squeakiest parts of the frame — which worked for a night or two — but was ultimately useless.
Alas, the big, beautiful bed was now a huge, ugly monster in our marriage. Sex was an important part of our relationship and it was becoming more and more difficult to have it in our squeaky bed.
“I can fix it,” said my partner, over and over whilst I continued to diplomatically beg him to just get rid of the offensive bed frame that was now a 3rd-party-intruder ruining our sex life.
“Babe, let’s just get rid of it. Yes, it’s beautiful but its time has come. The squeaking is just intolerable!”
Another few months would go by.
Until my partner seemed to get it. He finally got that the squeaking had surpassed ridiculous status one night when he became overtly sexually frustrated by the offending bed squeak during sex.
“Okay, that’s it!” He said, exasperated. “We’re getting rid of it. I’ll build us a new bed!”
And so he did.
For days, my partner toiled away in the garage building our new non-squeaky bed. It took about three days in total.
In the end, I had a new bed, built from scratch. It wasn’t fancy. It wasn’t polished. It was a simple, square bed frame that lay low to the ground and had no bells or whistles.
It didn't squeak. At all.
Since the new addition to our bedroom, my partner and I have experienced a much-improved sex life. No more shushing. No more stifled moans under the covers. No more embarrassing squeaks.
Sometimes, fancy is bullshit — and way too loud.
Most of the time, quiet is just better ;)
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Cheers! xoxo