SELF-IMPROVEMENT
Honest or Nasty? That Depends
Day 38, 50 questions for deep self-reflection
Some may say it’s a fine line between delivering difficult honesty and being unkind and often that line is assumed to be held by the deliverer of the message but it takes two for a message to be completed: a sender and a receiver. The sender sends their message out with their intentions and the receiver receives it with their perception. So how do we perceive the difference between difficult honesty and unkindness? When somebody voices their opinion, how do we perceive it as honesty as opposed to hate? How can we know their intention and align that with our perception?
This is day 38 of the 50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection challenge from Know Thyself Heal Thyself created by Diana C.
DAY THIRTY-EIGHT: What is the difference between difficult honesty and unkindness?
Short Answer: *shrug*
Just the fact that I cannot immediately delineate an answer to this question tells me so much more than any answer I could have given. What is the difference between difficult honesty and unkindness?
I don’t know.
Because it’s never going to be about how I, as the sender, say it, but rather how the receiver perceives it. I cannot control whether somebody takes my words as something that I’m sharing out of honesty because I care for them, or if they take it as me being a nasty whatever-name-you-want-to-call-me. I have zero control over that. The only way I can have any kind of perceived control over their perception is by ensuring the message is sent to someone I know well. Someone who knows me well enough that they know my intentions, or to at the very least, can safely assume my intentions.
For example, I can say things to my closest friends that I would never consider saying to a stranger. I can somewhat assume how those I know well will perceive my message whereas I have no idea how a stranger will perceive it and therefore, react. I know my close friends will take even the most difficult message with the care in which it is intended. I’ll still preamble it with, “This is going to sound worse than I mean it to,” or something similar, and I’ll close with, “You know what I mean,” because I know they do. And that goes in both directions.
I know my close friends will take even the most difficult message with the care in which it is intended.
My bestie gets it — as a fellow neurodivergent writer, we get each other on a level that is sometimes a little concerning. In our conversations, difficult honesty is never difficult, and ‘unkindness’ is never more than intentional ribbing.
I feel like to truly answer this question, what is the difference between difficult honesty and unkindness, we need to consider more about the external perception which is the part we cannot really control.
Let’s flip the tables then
Let’s look at this as an incoming question. Ah, that’s a good point. Because at no point does this question ask what the difference is when delivering such a message — that was an assumption I made. So, maybe the point of the question (and what I really needed to dig into) is about my own perception when somebody else speaks to me and delivers a message to me, be it a difficult honesty, or an unkindness. Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. And remember, again, that this is just my perception of the question itself. Isn’t the human psyche interesting?
Right. So, I’m speaking from my point of view and my perception of difficult honesty versus unkindness. If I don’t know if the person delivering the message has good or bad intentions, then in my perception, the difference is critical analysis versus opinionated hate.
What is the difference between critical analysis and opinionated hate?
Critical analysis
Critical analysis is giving feedback on something that could affect my experience — the consideration is about me. Even though the difficult honesty or critical analysis may be misplaced (because it is just the sender’s perception and opinion, and it may not be something that I want to hear or that I’m in a mental place to hear, or it may be something I’ve already considered and dismissed), it’s still coming from a place of caring about me and my space. I can appreciate that.
Opinionated hate
Unkindness, or opinionated hate, is not for me, but about me. It’s taking a particular part of me and saying that that thing doesn’t fit into their boxes or doesn’t fit into their expectations. It’s saying that I am incorrect. I am wrong. I’m not enough because I’m not meeting their list of criteria. It is judgment.
It’s still all about perception
Ultimately, I would say that the difference between difficult honesty and unkindness is about where that thought or phrase is coming from. Is it coming from a place of caring about my experience or is it coming from a place of blaming me for not fitting into theirs? Now again, which of those it is, it is based on my perception because unless I know them, or ask, I can’t possibly know their intention.
Did I answer the question? Yes, but only in my perception of it — but of course!
The how of this question is much bigger than the what of this question. Difficult honesty and unkindness are both dependent on the intention of the message sender and the perception of the receiver. Friends learn how to navigate these two factors, but aligning the two is near on impossible for strangers, unless those strangers meet and discuss their intentions and perceptions before delivering such information, but how often do we do that? This is just one reason why friends are so important. You learn each other and understand each other’s intentions and perceptions. Between friends, there is unlikely to exist any unkindness, and so difficult honesty is delivered with love and perceived in the same way. Friends rock!
If you are interested in the journey so far — all the days that came before, I’ve collected all the article links here:
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