We are self-perceiving, self-inventing, locked-in mirages that are little miracles of self-reference. — Douglas Hofstadter, I Am a Strange Loop p.363

HOME DESIGN: Rebuilding after the (psychic) FIRE

I do not build out of choice, nor am I building on land. My new home will be in the psychic realms.

In the end, we are self-perceiving, self-inventing, locked-in mirages that are little miracles of self-reference. — Douglas Hofstadter, I Am a Strange Loop p.363

Much like the ‘new-money’ (Nouveau-riche) in financial services, tech or entertainment sectors, I find it time to upgrade my living locale. As the newly wealthy, I have little experience in home design or building to spec. Still, I would build my dream home.

There are differences, I have no choice. Mine was destroyed in THE FIRE of my crime consuming not only my victim’s life but my marriage, profession, and my very SELF. I do not build out of choice, nor am I building on land. My new home will be in the psychic realms.

For the Nouveau-riche, the lightning bolt of luck struck and they find themselves no longer willing to stay in their traditional community. They seek a new one that would serve to acknowledge their recently elevated station in the world. They have MADE IT, after all, and find the need for acknowledgment from strangers. Their own community does not suffice. As adults with means and no societal bonds or connections, they BUILD. We have all seen the results of unbridled home design without an honest aesthetic feedback-loop. Consider the famous HAMPTONS of Long Island for evidence of these newly-wealthy Franken-homes.

I am no more welcome upon my return to the world than are these Nouveau-riche to the Hamptons.

The Hamptons once signified the dignified summer living with surf clubs, quaint restaurants, and bars to quietly pass the sweltering mid-summer months in comfort. While not a symbol of wealth per se, the Hamptons is the gold standard of dignified establishment summer beach living. This idyllic life included families, tennis clubs and swimming completions. As the unwashed gained wealth, they sought to enjoy this Hamptons lifestyle. Some were respectful of traditions and sought COMMUNITY via participation in the local scene (PAY YOUR DUES) by appearance, participation, and support of local traditions. Many of the new SUPER-WEALTHY had no patience for such genuflection to the establishment. They were RULERS by wealth and believed they should be welcomed as the conquerors they were (in their careers). They saw no need to either petition for membership nor wait in line (OBEY THE RULES). They answered the bemused smiles and cold shoulders of the locals and long-time summer residences by BUILDING.

I must build and also it must be of my own design. I am in a hurry as my SELF cannot survive long without a psychic shelter to withstand the emotion-storms of life.

If one seeks a visual of the term EYESORE, merely take the road to Montauk on the Eastern tip of Long Island (118 miles (190 km) east of Midtown Manhattan). As you meander your way East you’ll be struck by a seemingly random number of architectural monstrosities that dot the landscape like toadstools, colorful but poisonous, among the traditional beach homes. While now accepted as aspirational expressions of individuality, they devour the landscape in the way Chinese carp eat all the local species in their migration north to the Great Lakes. These Franken-homes are signs of the cultural apocalypse were money trumps taste, culture, tradition, EVERYTHING.

These cartoonist constructions of MODERN MAN, conceived by the humanist-conscious mind as demonstrations of ART, CREATIVITY, and INDIVIDUALITY (usually by a silicon-enhanced Botox smoothed second wife) boldly proclaim one’s arrival at the door-step of high society. The unconscious mind would admit they are evidence of frustrated desire — tantrums of physically manifested spite. These spec constructions are the proverbial middle finger of the unwelcome newcomers to the establishment. After all, if you cannot purchase a membership in the community, why not highlight the distinction.

My situation is similar. The lightning bolt has struck me too, but one of FIRE instead of accomplishment. As I sit here in the ruin of my life, I need shelter. I am determined to build — anew.

I seek a means to design and construct my dream home.

I will.

I must.

There are more choices than you may think. After all, I have the same flexibility as the Nouveau-riche in the Hamptons — unlimited resources. (Knowledge is free and my mind seeks knowledge in both the dark and dusty past and the recently discovered realms of knowledge). I require a psychic shelter. We all must have a place to exist; somewhere to keep warm and dry during the storms of life; A HOME to invite others to visit and hopefully a family to share as well. But purchasing a pre-existing house is not enough this time (those designed by religion, family, school, community, the way we do things here…).

To my and other’s sad experience, I did not realize I was building my first HOME and my design was faulty. My first HOME had significant defects and other structural problems (I used alcohol and other drugs to numb myself and ignore the hole). It looked pretty good from the outside, but dry rot had settled into the walls, weakening its structural integrity. Oh, and it burned down in THE FIRE of my crime.

As I survey the still-soldering wreckage, I must choose which of the old materials I will re-use, if any. What will I buy from the marketplace of prepackaged ideas and beliefs? What can I make of my own?

I seek not merely to fit into an accepted design or blueprint. This new DELUSION house will be my home and I would make it utile, comfortable and ascetically pleasing. Most of all, MINE.

Like the Nouveau-riche, I am not wanted in the community I have chosen. I have little currency of goodwill to spend on purchases or help. I’ll have to work to regain such — TIME/EFFORT. Within the CDCR(prison), the opportunities are scarce and pay meager (limited opportunities to practice). Still, to SURVIVE, I must build a HOME or be subject to the stampedes of beliefs my ‘mates follow here. I’ll need to explore what was destroyed and see what I can salvage to re-use or re-task and meet my new need.

All this is in a race against time — the challenges of this environment are real and I need shelter to survive the storms and hardships that are everyday life. I must enter the still smoldering FIRE, rescue, reshape and recreate the valuable resources I can salvage. Least I be swept away by the currents of other beliefs.

At the same time, I must consider the design of my new delusion house. I wish for more windows on to the REAL WORLD than my last home. I think it best to let in the natural sunlight of the living world (REALITY); however, the windows must have coverings of KNOWLEDGE and storm shutters of SPIRITUALITY to dampen the POWER of REALITY when it is too much. Further, I will wish to sleep in or hide from the lightning of others’ emotional storms at times. No more will I use green trash bags or tarps of drugs or alcohol to perform this needed service. I have already attempted that path and have no desire to retrace its predictable outcome. I seek coverings of quality and durability.

I must tour other DELUSION houses first. Not to copy them, but to discern if the materials and design represent a talented architect and conscientious contractor (I will study the Ancient Greeks and Death Englishmen- Letter to My Younger Self). My own hand will instruct the design and construction of my home. Lucky for me there are many such spec-built DELUSION houses at the Q. I’ll tell you of my tours in these realms in due course.

I will be building a new home after THE FIRE.

How can you rebuild your own life after TAKING A LIFE (and destroying two families)?

This is a long solitary journey I have taken. In my mind, I have had to build new conceptual frames to survive this journey. I have divided this journey/work into such conceptual frames as destruction and rebuilding of my PSYCHIC DELUSION HOUSE, LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF AND ALWAYS THE FIRE. Much more is to come on how I have learned on this journey.

Free of the twin distractions of mobility and community, I spent my time pondering deep concepts — one was survival on the Main Line in an infamously famous and brutal prison, San Quentin.

If you are curious about prison life and the real work that goes on there, read The San Quentin News or listen to Ear Hustle.

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