Hilarious Howling Headlines Mishandled by a Medium Mauler

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You AND YOUR BOSS Just Think You Do.</h1><p id="9b6f"><i>Three ways to end HIS OVERSIGHT.</i></p><h1 id="42de">#11: A Rainy Day is Like a Lovely GIRL</h1><p id="ad99"><i>Write today about your perfect rainy day pass time. WERE YOU MAKING A PASS AT SOMEONE? DID SHE CATCH YOUR DRIFT, OR SOMETHING MORE SUBSTANTIAL? DID THE RAIN MAKE YOU WET? OH GOD, I HOPE SO. I’M GETTING WET AND IT’S 101° OUTSIDE. OH SHIT, I DIDN’T WATER THE PLANTS THIS MORNING. THEY COULD GET BRITTLE AND DRY AND MY WIFE WILL GET PISSED OFF… PISSED OFF… HMMM DID YOU EVER DREAM ABOUT A <a href="https://readmedium.com/its-okay-to-talk-about-golden-showers-cb67d6e9acb3">GOLDEN SHOWER</a>? IS THAT SOMETHING GIRLS REALLY LIKE? I DON’T KNOW IF I WOULD PARTICULARLY LIKE DOING IT, GIVEN MY PROSTATE PROBLEM. IT WOULD BE EXTREMELY EMBARRASSING IF SOME VOLUPTUOUS YOUNG VALLEY GIRL WAS SPREADEAGLED ON HER BACK WAITING FOR ME TO SEND DOWN CASCADES OF PEE PEE IF I COULD ONLY SQUEEZE OUT A FEW DROPS. AND THEN SHE’D BE LIKE “YOU KNOW, OLD DUDE, THAT’S JUST SO UNCOOL? LIKE, I WAS PROMISED A GOLDEN SHOWER, AND THIS IS LIKE, YOU KNOW, A GOLDEN DRIZZLE? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU. AND THOSE DROPS DON’T EVEN LOOK GOLDEN? YOU REALLY, LIKE, NEED TO DRINK MORE, YOU KNOW, COCONUT WATER?” AND THEN I’D GET ALL RED IN THE FACE AND ASK “WELL IF IT’S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, COULD I JUST GET A BLOW…” GODDAMNIT, WHY ARE THE GARDENERS BLOWING THE LEAVES BACK ONTO THE DRIVEWAY? I THOUGHT I PAID THEM TO BLOW THE LEAVES OFF THE DRIVEWAY? NOW I’VE COMPLETELY LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. SPEAKING OF TRAINS, IT MUST BE A SHITTY JOB TO CLEAN OUT THOSE RESTROOMS ON BOARD. YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY’S TRYING TO TAKE A PISS, AND THE TRAIN IS BUMPING OVER THE RAILS, SENDING A GOLDEN STREAM IN EVERY DIRECTION BUT THE TOILET. AT LEAST WITH A TRAIN, THERE AREN’T ANY TRAFFIC JAMS WHEN IT RAINS. I HATE FUCKING TRAFFIC JAMS, AND THE RAIN, FOR THAT MATTER…</i></p><h1 id="78f8">#12: How To IMPERSONATE An Expert In Anything</h1><p id="695f"><i>(Guilty as accused, your honor)</i></p><p id="a94e"><i>If you got a laugh, you might like these other humorous things.</i>

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</p><div id="76be" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/your-carefully-crafted-headline-is-headed-toward-medium-mayhem-67a8fc352203"> <div> <div> <h2>Your Carefully Crafted Headline is Headed Toward Medium Mayhem</h2> <div><h3>Walking the fine line between sincerity and SlackJaw</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*lF1-lsFPEFnNFZEv_7ZWdg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="ea33" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/hell-hath-no-fury-like-hallucination-hounding-humorous-headlines-9fc8a40b3bd9"> <div> <div> <h2>Hell Hath No Fury Like Hallucination Hounding Humorous Headlines.</h2> <div><h3>It’s not my fault! Okay, maybe it is.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*JrAgSeLfLHG8pUb4ba4VFQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="27bd" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/its-10-00-pm-do-you-know-where-your-headlines-are-db065bb0949c"> <div> <div> <h2>It’s 10:00 PM. Do You Know Where Your Headlines Are?</h2> <div><h3>All your carefully crafted titles are at risk.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*A2oUGiZvKuGAKnoRtn3ATg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><figure id="f69a"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*i6Rb7PUowIhjCkpTHV0N1g.jpeg"><figcaption></figcaption></figure></article></body>

#11: A Rainy Day is Like a Lovely GIRL

Write today about your perfect rainy day pass time. WERE YOU MAKING A PASS AT SOMEONE? DID SHE CATCH YOUR DRIFT, OR SOMETHING MORE SUBSTANTIAL? DID THE RAIN MAKE YOU WET? OH GOD, I HOPE SO. I’M GETTING WET AND IT’S 101° OUTSIDE. OH SHIT, I DIDN’T WATER THE PLANTS THIS MORNING. THEY COULD GET BRITTLE AND DRY AND MY WIFE WILL GET PISSED OFF… PISSED OFF… HMMM DID YOU EVER DREAM ABOUT A GOLDEN SHOWER? IS THAT SOMETHING GIRLS REALLY LIKE? I DON’T KNOW IF I WOULD PARTICULARLY LIKE DOING IT, GIVEN MY PROSTATE PROBLEM. IT WOULD BE EXTREMELY EMBARRASSING IF SOME VOLUPTUOUS YOUNG VALLEY GIRL WAS SPREADEAGLED ON HER BACK WAITING FOR ME TO SEND DOWN CASCADES OF PEE PEE IF I COULD ONLY SQUEEZE OUT A FEW DROPS. AND THEN SHE’D BE LIKE “YOU KNOW, OLD DUDE, THAT’S JUST SO UNCOOL? LIKE, I WAS PROMISED A GOLDEN SHOWER, AND THIS IS LIKE, YOU KNOW, A GOLDEN DRIZZLE? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU. AND THOSE DROPS DON’T EVEN LOOK GOLDEN? YOU REALLY, LIKE, NEED TO DRINK MORE, YOU KNOW, COCONUT WATER?” AND THEN I’D GET ALL RED IN THE FACE AND ASK “WELL IF IT’S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, COULD I JUST GET A BLOW…” GODDAMNIT, WHY ARE THE GARDENERS BLOWING THE LEAVES BACK ONTO THE DRIVEWAY? I THOUGHT I PAID THEM TO BLOW THE LEAVES OFF THE DRIVEWAY? NOW I’VE COMPLETELY LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. SPEAKING OF TRAINS, IT MUST BE A SHITTY JOB TO CLEAN OUT THOSE RESTROOMS ON BOARD. YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY’S TRYING TO TAKE A PISS, AND THE TRAIN IS BUMPING OVER THE RAILS, SENDING A GOLDEN STREAM IN EVERY DIRECTION BUT THE TOILET. AT LEAST WITH A TRAIN, THERE AREN’T ANY TRAFFIC JAMS WHEN IT RAINS. I HATE FUCKING TRAFFIC JAMS, AND THE RAIN, FOR THAT MATTER…

PART TWO

Hilarious Howling Headlines Mishandled by a Medium Mauler

Still walking that line between sincerity and SlackJaw

Carefully Crafted Headlines Headed Toward Medium Mayhem are back, whether you’re ready or not.

#1: Only 7.4% of Medium writers earned $100 in August. Let this MUTILATE you!

#2: Feel Like the World is Saying ‘You Suck’? IT IS.

#3: The 2020 ERECTION Will be Brutal For Millennials

#4: Why SEX WORKERS Should Spill Their Guts

#5: The Three Benefits You’ll Gain From an Unprofitable Daily CREATINE Habit.

#6: The Joy and Angst of FACEPLANTS.

#7: The Benefits of Oral Sex, According to POPULAR Science.

#8: As a Writer, ADULATION Is Part of Your Job

#9: Facebook’s Endgame: Getting Inside Your BLOODSTREAM

#10: You Don’t Have A Time Management Problem — You AND YOUR BOSS Just Think You Do.

#11: A Rainy Day is Like a Lovely GIRL

#12: How To IMPERSONATE An Expert In Anything

Your Carefully Crafted Headline is Headed Toward Medium Mayhem

Walking the fine line between sincerity and SlackJaw

Hell Hath No Fury Like Hallucination Hounding Humorous Headlines.

It’s not my fault! Okay, maybe it is.

It’s 10:00 PM. Do You Know Where Your Headlines Are?

All your carefully crafted titles are at risk.