PART 3
Hell Hath No Fury Like Hallucination Hounding Humorous Headlines.
It’s not my fault! Okay, maybe it is.
Welcome to Part 3 of Carefully Crafted Headlines Headed Toward Medium Mayhem. (Parts 1 and 2 are linked below)
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
I can’t imagine the horror other writers must feel to see how far these ideas have been twisted and misinterpreted.
My apologies go out to all of you.
But then I saw this headline:
This Technique Will Make Any Woman Squirt
If it doesn’t work for you, you’re doing it wrong.
And I have to ask, “Are you doing this shit on purpose?”
As always, I try to misread each headline as if I were half asleep, dyslexic, or high, change the fewest words possible and then let the story lead me where it will.
#1: How to Make a Sticky Connection With Your HOTTEST Fans
(No subtitle necessary)
#2: Three EMPLOYEES You Must Do Immediately As a New Leader
You have 30 days to show your team what you’ve got
#3: The 5 Habits That Caused My Writing To STINK
I never envisaged the habits I created in order to write prolifically on Medium would actually become detrimental.
#4: Your Childhood WET Dreams Are Stunting Your Growth
(No subtitle necessary)
#5: My Partner Hid my Engagement Ring; Obviously, I Tried to APPRAISE it
(No subtitle necessary)
#6: Philosophy Stole My AMBULATION
I’m not a narcissist, nor am I a sociopath, BUT I NEED A SKATEBOARD
#7: Two Bitcoins MATE in a Coffee Shop
(No subtitle necessary)
#8: Consider the THYROID Burger
OR, HOW I BECAME A VEGETARIAN
#9: Stop Giving Your Team PERSIMMONS
Instead, build an environment that enables real responsibility and PROFIT SHARING
#10: What Happened When I Started Parenting Without Booze
Drinking robbed me of my ability to truly see and feel my children, OF COURSE I HAD TO START DRINKING AGAIN.
#11: Business and Productivity Gurus SHUCK Habits to Stay Fit
You can be busy and also be in great shape. YOU’VE GOT TO BE, IF YOU WANT TO POWER WALK AROUND YOUR BUILDING BUTT NAKED. MOST PEOPLE DON’T MIND IF YOU TAKE THE STAIRS, WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY GOOD FOR THE CARDIO-VASCULAR SYSTEM, BUT NOBODY WANTS TO REACH THE LANDING AND LOOK UP TO SEE YOUR JIGGLING JUNK. YOU’D THINK AFTER ALL THOSE SEXUAL HARASSMENT SETTLEMENTS, YOU POMPOUS BASTARDS WOULD WEAR BIKE SHORTS OR A T-REX ONESIE, BUT NO, YOU’VE GOT FLAUNT YOUR BODIES IN A TOTALLY VAIN (AND VEINOUS) WAY. WHAT’S SO WRONG WITH THE HABIT OF WEARING A HABIT? IT’S A LONG, LOOSE GARMENT THAT STILL ALLOWS JOHNSON AND THE BALL BROTHERS TO GET PLENTY OF FRESH AIR. YOU’VE BEEN GOING ON THOSE RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE RETREATS WITH THOSE CUTE INTERNS, SUPPOSEDLY TO BLOW YOUR MINDS, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY BLOWING GOING ON WAS OF A COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE NATURE. REMEMBER, WHEN THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS SAYS “GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY,” THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT, NOT UNWANTED PREGNANCIES.
#12: I Still Believe That All The Love You’ve Given Will Come Back To You One Day
SO I GAVE MY WIFE AN I.O.U. FOR 10,592 ORGASMS.
If this made you laugh, you might like these other scandalously scrambled screamers.
