Hi Notez: Only Time Will Tell My Story…
Figuring it out is still making progress.
Hi Notez: 2/25/24
You know what’s been difficult for me to sit with these past few days? How time flies by so fast, that the sacrifice of certain endeavors and relationships is inevitable. It’s been almost 3 years to the date, that I parted ways with my family, and have begun my journey of healing and self-discovery. Life has been occurring, it never stops.
But the real thing that makes this one particularly difficult to cope with, is my love and desire to connect with and be a part of my nieces’ lives. Sure I see pictures and videos, to which I innocently laugh or smile from this side of the screen. But I know not of a way that I can continue to develop and strengthen my character, heal wounds, and overcome insecurity. That involves me opening myself up to my family again. Not yet anyway.
I don’t mean to say this in a way that paints them in a bad light. They are not bad people. I am just someone who refused not to acknowledge or confront my struggle with life and myself. So I’m a bit stuck… I’ve taken to telling myself, essentially, making a deal, a promise to myself, and my nieces, that, when I can live on my terms, I’ll be a part of their upbringing. But that is a process I cannot rush… That takes time. And the more time that it takes, the more moments I miss. I guess sometimes sacrificing is painful. At least I’m just figuring that out now.
The Truth stares me in the face with this reality. It is also in my hands, the rate of growth and development of my character and craft. It need not take however long it is taking. My progress is a direct result of my ability to set course and stay it too. Sometimes I deviate. I am human after all. But I know with devotion, discipline, and dedication, I will push forth, Being better than who I was yesterday.
I might add, the fact that no two days are the same, I do not find the motivation that fueled me yesterday to do so today and that is challenging. On the days that I can’t easily find and hold onto my “why,” I must dig deep into the pit of relentless desire amassed over my lifetime and find the exact words I need to hear at that moment.
It can come from no one else but me. What this process has continued to teach me, is that there will be many times when I am flying solo. So many times, that I must get to know the me that I am within the space of emptiness. No vision, no external reward, no end game, just me, and what I’m truly made of.
I’m completing a project, it’s taking a while, as I am also teaching myself the skill of animating. I don’t want to stop and pick up something new, shorter, and more exciting, but I have so many other areas of my skill to develop, that I question whether this approach best suits what I am truly going after. I mean, tomorrow will make three weeks since I’ve begun working on the project.
I started to track my progress a week in, and now I think it’s time to reconfigure the trajectory of my path to make sure it’s directly aligned with my goal… I think it’s important to complete the project, but it is longer than I expected and I truly believe with more experience in understanding and applying the principles of animation, I will be able to execute my visions with less compromise. Decisions, decisions…
As I go toe to toe with holding my weight in this world, I realize it is me I am searching for. The me, who won’t back down and refuses to quit. The me who is up for the challenge and revels at the thought of putting my capabilities to the test. The me who overcomes through the process of trial and error. And most importantly, the me who will never give up on herself EVERY AGAIN.
I no longer ask for life to be easier, I build the strength to face whatever comes my way one thought, one word, one step, one day at a time.
To those of you, who are like me, today’s Hi Note is for us,
Figuring it out is still making progress.
Keep striving, keep climbing, keep on keeping on.
Only Time will tell your story. Mine too…
Thank you for reading today’s Hi Notez, let’s engage in a life with more love, more laughs, and more light. Do the work required to bring internal peace, for there is strength in your struggle! Please keep reaching for better, it is always there for you.
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See you tomorrow!