What You Want From Others You Need From You

Understanding this simple truth can empower you

If you’re on a spiritual development path like me, you might contemplate how best to fulfill your wishes and meet your goals. Perhaps you even strive to reduce your desires, understanding that not having too many can make life easier.

Many spiritual teachings tell us that wanting things promotes dissatisfaction, while others aim to provide us with tools to help us meet our needs successfully. Which idea is right for you depends on your beliefs, but one thing I know for sure is that our desires show us something important about ourselves.

Our relationships aren’t always meant to give us what we want

I spent years thinking that my relationships should be wellsprings of positivity that fed my innate requirements for qualities like love, understanding, and compassion.

Sometimes, I struck gold. A relationship delivered my wishes! Other times, though, I was disappointed. A relationship fell short of my expectations, providing more challenges than nurturing qualities that fed my soul.

I later understood that much learning comes from not getting my perceived needs and wishes met through relationships. Life lessons can feel negative, yet they provide wisdom that helps us feel good in the future; equipped with greater knowledge, we forge ahead, baring an understanding that paves the way for success.

Our desires tell us what we think we need to make us happy

I note that some spiritual practices involve pooh-poohing desires. They are seen as the ego’s domain, causing us anxiety, greed, and other troubling phenomena. But I prefer to see them as helpful guidance showing us what we need to make us happy.

For example, if you want your partner to buy you flowers, your boss to praise you, or your cat to purr more when with you, doubtless, you imagine these things will improve your life. The flowers will fill you with joy when you see their beauty, having your work recognized by your boss will make you feel appreciated, and your cat purring will remind you that you’re loved.

Material desires also show you what might make you happy. A new car may help you feel powerful, the latest phone may feed your need to feel connected to others, and a home of your own could give you a sense of security.

Both material and non-material desires have something in common: they aim to fulfill emotional needs. Knowing this helps because it empowers you. Your awareness lets you see you don’t need the flowers, praise, purrs, car, phone, or house to find happiness. You only need to meet your emotional requirements, and sometimes, you can do so alone.

What you want from others, you need from you

There’s no doubt in my mind that our relationships are meant to teach, guide, or nurture us, and sometimes, we require them to fulfill needs that only they can satisfy. However, often, what we most want from others in terms of qualities like praise, love, and kindness, we need to receive from ourselves first.

I recall, many moons ago, when I was in my early twenties, wanting to meet a tall, large man whose size would magically make me feel more feminine, light, and attractive. Yes, I know. The idea was immature and somewhat off course for spiritual growth. But, at the time, it made perfect sense to me, and I pursued my goal.

Working with the law of attraction, which I was into, I wrote a list of qualities my next man would possess, including being big enough to sweep me off my feet.

Unfortunately, albeit briefly, I made this hoped-for aspect of my soon-to-be partner primary rather than considering more vital qualities like kindness.

The law of attraction did its best to satiate my needs, offering up a professional, high achiever with a big frame and strong arms who towered over me in height. He could, indeed, pick me up and swirl me around like a fairground ride.

Oh boy, however. What a lesson I learned. I didn’t need a man to make me feel feminine and valuable. Not only that, but being picked up like a child was unnerving and disempowering.

My new big partner wasn’t as kind, thoughtful, or faithful as I would have liked. Still, these qualities hadn’t made it onto my list of requirements, though they were certainly on the next one.

The most important lesson I learned was that no one could make me feel comfortable and attractive in my own skin. It was something I had to do by myself.

So often, we want others to fulfill needs we imagine only they can satisfy when the truth is that we are responsible for accomplishing such aims.

On another occasion, to illustrate the point further, I wanted encouraging praise from someone close who wasn’t forthcoming. I worked hard to motivate and support his endeavors but didn’t get the same blessing in return.

Although having this particular wish met would have been wonderful, not having it fulfilled taught me that I had to develop self-belief. If I believed in myself enough, I could confidently accomplish my goals and succeed in life.

As a result, I learned to look within for courage and motivation. What a gift it was to find them.

Since then, I’ve not looked back. I am grateful for others’ support for projects or whatever I do. However, it’s a bonus rather than a necessity. I can forge ahead whether anyone else believes in me or not, and it feels terrific to have such inner strength and tenacity.

We want others to supply us with care and love, but it doesn’t always arrive in the form we expect. At other times, it’s not present at all, and our spirit calls us to develop and embody the qualities we desire from our relationships. Once we do so, we become stronger, wiser, and better equipped to face life’s challenges.