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Abstract

ou have research to support these magical claims? FDA analysis? Consumer Reports? Anything? Or is this like, ‘we’re wise men, trust us?’</p><p id="73f8">CASPAR: Well, uh —</p><p id="05e9">MARY: And how do we know this salt came from the Himalayas anyway?</p><p id="663a">JOSEPH: You could have scooped up this salt from a lake just outside of Bethlehem ten minutes ago and mixed in some pink food coloring.</p><p id="b5be">MARY: Voila! Instant Himalayan Pink Salt. From Judea.</p><p id="45d9">CASPAR: We would never…</p><p id="c217">MARY: Or maybe you got the pink salt as a Christmas gift from somebody back East and decided, eh, we’ll just re-gift this to Jesus.</p><p id="5583">JOSEPH: Mary and Joseph are hicks. They’ll never know the difference.</p><p id="8c51">MELCHIOR: Heaven forbid!!</p><p id="6877">JOSEPH: You know salt is full of sodium, right? Google it.</p><p id="aafa"><i>MARY pulls out her IPhone and quickly Googles “sodium.”</i></p><p id="523d">MARY (<i>reading)</i>: Heart disease, hypertension, stroke. Nice gift for a baby. But it’s <i>pink</i>, so maybe little Jesus can have a <i>pink </i>stroke.</p><p id="718b">JOSEPH: Here, Jesus, we brought you a rattlesnake. But it’s a <i>pink </i>rattlesnake, so you’ll be fine.</p><p id="b1c8">CASPAR <i>(devastated)</i>: Please, Mary, Joseph, we never meant to offend you. We only meant this as a token of our adoration.</p><p id="6b1d">MELCHIOR: It really is delicious. Here, try some.</p><p id="2527">MARY: Did you bring bread? Or do I have to lick it off my fingers like after a tequila shot?</p><p id="1135"><i>CASPAR pulls out some bread and sprinkles Himalayan Pink Salt on it. The THREE KINGS, worried, look on while MARY and JOSEPH sample the salty bread.</i></p><p id="8f81">MELCHIOR: Yes???</p><p id="6dec"><i>MARY and JOSEPH chew slowly and look at each other.</i></p><p id="9e2f">JOSEPH <i>(shrugs)</i>: I don’t know, it just tastes like, <i>salt, </i>you know? Whatever.</p><p id="4a1b">MARY: Gluten. All I can taste is gluten. And now I’m thirsty.</p><p id="bfea">CASPAR (<i>stricken</i>): Have our gifts offended thee, Blessed Mary?</p><p id="203e">MARY: Guys, the gold and frankincense are amazing. Dynamite. But I’ve had a long night. My back is killing me. Jesus gets up early. I’m gonna hit the straw.</p><p id="e0a2"><i>The Kings look at each other, deeply wounded.</i></p><p id="58c2">CASPAR: Come, mighty kings. Our mission has failed. Let us traverse back to the East bearing the good news of the King of Kings. But also bearing our eternal shame.</p><p id="1d86">BALTHASAR: If only the desert would consume us.</p><p id="53a3">MELCHIOR: That would be divine Justice.</p><p id="8619"><i>Slowly, the THREE KINGS start to leave, crushed. Mary sighs.</i></p><p id="0597">MARY: Wait. Don’t go. (<i>rolls eyes</i>) The salt is <b>fine</b>. OK?</p><p id="adc7">JOSEPH<i>: </i>Mmmm<i>. (pause) </i>So good.</p><p id="f93d"><i>The THREE KINGS drop to their knees.</i></p><p id="5e5f">MELCHIOR: Oh thank you! Thank you, Blessed Mary! Blessed Joseph!</p><p id="7a5d">CASPAR: May every generation

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venerate your holy name!</p><p id="0d9a">BALTHASAR: The Himalayan Pink Salt is redeemed!</p><p id="8c3c">MARY: Fine. Great. Just get up, now, please? For me? <i>(under her breath to Joseph)</i> Jesus, touchy kings.</p><p id="b56d">JOSEPH: Right? Unbelievable.</p><p id="cca6">**</p><p id="fae7"><i>Thanks to <a href="https://quasimodo.medium.com/">BOFace </a>the Wise.</i></p><p id="ca8b"><i>The T. Kent Jones <a href="https://medium.com/muddyum/t-kent-jones/home">omnibus </a>never closes. Free Parking!</i></p><div id="a142" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/bestest-job-ever-38233acd1e23"> <div> <div> <h2>Bestest Job Ever!!</h2> <div><h3>I hire Trump’s toady to flatter me all day</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*ES24tftAZUXnPOCIcdDV_w.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="d9e9" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-have-a-cold-177d3923a446"> <div> <div> <h2>I Have a Cold</h2> <div><h3>*What I tell people when it’s actually something else</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*-eXp2NnRh-_YShbB)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="1705" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/closet-space-ae3b7a2a2fe5"> <div> <div> <h2>Closet/Space</h2> <div><h3>To infinity and beyond</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Pq6vjtEDM-YInoIe)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="0755" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@tkentjones/membership"> <div> <div> <h2>Join Medium with my referral link — T. Kent Jones</h2> <div><h3>Read every story from T. Kent Jones (and thousands of other writers on Medium). Your membership fee directly supports…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*dssH6FcFFweHQyd1)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="e875">There’s so much comedy behind this blue-eyed cat.</p><figure id="163c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*VDzWg4lMsQYdiOBQ.png"><figcaption>Branding courtesy of <a href="undefined">David Todd McCarty</a></figcaption></figure></article></body>

THREE KINGS, ONE CONDIMENT

Gold, Frankincense and Himalayan Pink Salt

You shouldn’t have — no, really

Image by CRAIYON

INT: MANGER, BETHLEHEM, NIGHT

Three mighty kings from the East, CASPAR, MELCHIOR and BALTHASAR kneel before a manger where lies the infant JESUS. His parents, MARY and JOSEPH, a modest couple in their 30s, look on in wonder.

MARY : Welcome, kings of the East. And what gifts have you brought for our child, Jesus?

CASPAR: Blessed Mary, we have brought Him gifts of gold, frankincense, and Himalayan Pink Salt.

MARY: Gold! Who doesn’t love gold, am I right? And Frankincense!

JOSEPH: Very nice. You can NOT get good frankincense around here.

MARY: But, uh, I’m not familiar with, what’s it called? Himalayan Pink Salt?

MELCHIOR: It’s a precious spice from the Pothohar Plateau south of the Himalayas in Pakistan. Finest quality. Very popular.

MARY: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said salt. Which makes this more of a condiment or a seasoning than a spice.

BALTHASAR: I assure you Blessed Mary, Himalayan Pink Salt is exquisite and rare, a fit offering for this wondrous child.

CASPAR: Plus, it’s pink.

MARY: So you keep saying. But, hang on. The salt isn’t pink because of mineral impurities, is it?

JOSEPH: Good call, Mary. Pink is totally the wrong color for salt. Impurities.

MARY: Pink is a bug not a feature, guys. This is a gift for Jesus, not Barbie.

CASPAR: Ma’am, this is not Barbie salt. This is very very special.

MARY: You’ve come a long way. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. But you’re kind of misrepresenting the condiment here.

CASPAR: People pay extra for this.

MARY: Stupid people, Caspar. Ever heard of marketing costs? You slap “made with Himalayan Pink Salt” on the box and jack up the price 20 shekels. You pass the inflated costs on to the consumer, wise man. That’s Econ 101.

JOSEPH (nodding): Exactly. This is like the bottled water scam. They fill plastic bottles with tap water from Akron and then screw us to pay for packaging and advertising. Then they claim that it’s “Made in Norway’s purest fjord” or some shit.

CASPAR: Sir, Himalayan Pink Salt is healthier than regular salt. It improves respiratory diseases…

MELCHIOR: It balances your body’s pH, reduces signs of aging…

BALTHASAR: It improves sleep quality, it regulates blood sugar…

CASPAR: It increases libido.

JOSEPH: That’s just perfect. Thanks for giving magic boner salt to our infant child. Super thoughtful.

MARY: Do you have research to support these magical claims? FDA analysis? Consumer Reports? Anything? Or is this like, ‘we’re wise men, trust us?’

CASPAR: Well, uh —

MARY: And how do we know this salt came from the Himalayas anyway?

JOSEPH: You could have scooped up this salt from a lake just outside of Bethlehem ten minutes ago and mixed in some pink food coloring.

MARY: Voila! Instant Himalayan Pink Salt. From Judea.

CASPAR: We would never…

MARY: Or maybe you got the pink salt as a Christmas gift from somebody back East and decided, eh, we’ll just re-gift this to Jesus.

JOSEPH: Mary and Joseph are hicks. They’ll never know the difference.

MELCHIOR: Heaven forbid!!

JOSEPH: You know salt is full of sodium, right? Google it.

MARY pulls out her IPhone and quickly Googles “sodium.”

MARY (reading): Heart disease, hypertension, stroke. Nice gift for a baby. But it’s pink, so maybe little Jesus can have a pink stroke.

JOSEPH: Here, Jesus, we brought you a rattlesnake. But it’s a pink rattlesnake, so you’ll be fine.

CASPAR (devastated): Please, Mary, Joseph, we never meant to offend you. We only meant this as a token of our adoration.

MELCHIOR: It really is delicious. Here, try some.

MARY: Did you bring bread? Or do I have to lick it off my fingers like after a tequila shot?

CASPAR pulls out some bread and sprinkles Himalayan Pink Salt on it. The THREE KINGS, worried, look on while MARY and JOSEPH sample the salty bread.

MELCHIOR: Yes???

MARY and JOSEPH chew slowly and look at each other.

JOSEPH (shrugs): I don’t know, it just tastes like, salt, you know? Whatever.

MARY: Gluten. All I can taste is gluten. And now I’m thirsty.

CASPAR (stricken): Have our gifts offended thee, Blessed Mary?

MARY: Guys, the gold and frankincense are amazing. Dynamite. But I’ve had a long night. My back is killing me. Jesus gets up early. I’m gonna hit the straw.

The Kings look at each other, deeply wounded.

CASPAR: Come, mighty kings. Our mission has failed. Let us traverse back to the East bearing the good news of the King of Kings. But also bearing our eternal shame.

BALTHASAR: If only the desert would consume us.

MELCHIOR: That would be divine Justice.

Slowly, the THREE KINGS start to leave, crushed. Mary sighs.

MARY: Wait. Don’t go. (rolls eyes) The salt is fine. OK?

JOSEPH: Mmmm. (pause) So good.

The THREE KINGS drop to their knees.

MELCHIOR: Oh thank you! Thank you, Blessed Mary! Blessed Joseph!

CASPAR: May every generation venerate your holy name!

BALTHASAR: The Himalayan Pink Salt is redeemed!

MARY: Fine. Great. Just get up, now, please? For me? (under her breath to Joseph) Jesus, touchy kings.

JOSEPH: Right? Unbelievable.

***

Thanks to BOFace the Wise.

The T. Kent Jones omnibus never closes. Free Parking!

There’s so much comedy behind this blue-eyed cat.

Branding courtesy of David Todd McCarty
Satire
Humor
Himalayan Salt
Three Kings
Kent Jones
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