avatarT. Kent Jones

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2097

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etals, and the Little Drummer Boy to die in a fire.”</p><h1 id="6e2a">“I Have A Cold “</h1><p id="e557">Translation: “We’re sorry. Kent is closed today. His social anxiety, introversion and seasonal affective disorder have reached unsafe levels. Limited human interaction may resume tomorrow, but visitors should expect to be threatened by transmittable mucus at any time.”</p><h1 id="3c6c">“I Have A Cold “</h1><p id="11ee">Translation: “I will come out of my room when I have mastered the Wednesday Addams “Goo Goo Muck” dance. And not before.”</p> <figure id="1228"> <div> <div> <img class="ratio" src="http://placehold.it/16x9"> <iframe class="" src="https://cdn.embedly.com/widgets/media.html?src=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fembed%2FNakTu_VZxJ0%3Ffeature%3Doembed&amp;display_name=YouTube&amp;url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DNakTu_VZxJ0&amp;image=https%3A%2F%2Fi.ytimg.com%2Fvi%2FNakTu_VZxJ0%2Fhqdefault.jpg&amp;key=a19fcc184b9711e1b4764040d3dc5c07&amp;type=text%2Fhtml&amp;schema=youtube" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" width="854"> </div> </div> </figure></iframe></div></div></figure><h1 id="dd5b">***</h1><p id="9681"><i>Thanks to <a href="https://andrew-rodwin.medium.com/">Andrew Rodwin</a>, for the antibiotics.</i></p><p id="fae7"><i>The T. Kent Jones <a href="https://medium.com/muddyum/t-kent-jones/home">omnibus </a>never closes. Free Parking!</i></p><div id="a142" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-sarcasm-works-8e33cc8852d2"> <div> <div> <h2>How Sarcasm Works</h2> <div><h3>Gee, thanks for the life lessons, asshole</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*CICnLelkVYX6LfEbrajbiA.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="d9e9" class="link-block">

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    </div><p id="e875">There’s so much comedy behind this blue-eyed cat.</p><figure id="163c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*VDzWg4lMsQYdiOBQ.png"><figcaption><a href="https://davidtoddmccarty.medium.com/">https://davidtoddmccarty.medium.com</a></figcaption></figure></article></body>

THAT SNOT WHAT I MEAN

I Have a Cold*

*What I tell people when it’s actually something else

Photo by Jonathan Cooper on Unsplash

“I Have A Cold”

Translation: “After spending an entire day cramming half a baguette, ten Hershey’s kiss sugar cookies, a huge bowl of homemade Trader Joe’s popcorn and a Thor-sized dinner of fake meat stir fry with taco sauce and rice into my face hole, I was up all night farting and bloating and cramping like a Burmese python fighting to digest half a bush pig. If this pungent, splattery, shameful food karma horror comedy was made into a Tournament of Roses Parade float, it would be a huge toilet covered in white delphiniums and brown daylilies called, More Bad Life Choices By a Man Old Enough to Fucking Know Better. So, yeah, let’s call it a cold.”

“I Have A Cold “

Translation: “Actually, it might be something a whole lot scarier than just a cold and while it’s really nice of you to notice that I’m not feeling my best today, now may not be the best time to discuss my fear of dying with the barista. Not with six customers behind me.”

“I Have A Cold “

Translation: “INDICT. HIM. NOW. SEND THE FBI TO HIS STUPID PINK BOUNCY CASTLE, SLAP THE CUFFS ON HIM AND HAUL THAT TRAITOR TO JAIL. I WANT JUSTICE. WHY IS THAT SO HARD? WHY DO I WAKE UP SHOUTING? WHO BURNED MY PANTS?”

“I Have A Cold “

Translation: “I want Christmas, Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, the Rockettes, Mariah Carey, jingle bells, candy canes, The First Noel, the Elf on the Shelf, Kris Kringle, Love Actually, mistletoe, tinsel, mangers, It’s A Wonderful Life, Zuzu’s petals, and the Little Drummer Boy to die in a fire.”

“I Have A Cold “

Translation: “We’re sorry. Kent is closed today. His social anxiety, introversion and seasonal affective disorder have reached unsafe levels. Limited human interaction may resume tomorrow, but visitors should expect to be threatened by transmittable mucus at any time.”

“I Have A Cold “

Translation: “I will come out of my room when I have mastered the Wednesday Addams “Goo Goo Muck” dance. And not before.”

***

Thanks to Andrew Rodwin, for the antibiotics.

The T. Kent Jones omnibus never closes. Free Parking!

There’s so much comedy behind this blue-eyed cat.

https://davidtoddmccarty.medium.com
Humor
Satire
Colds And Flus
Virus
Kent Jones
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