THE FIT DIMENSION
Closet/Space
To infinity and beyond
Exciting news from Switzerland. In the course of smashing particles inside the world’s largest ring of superconducting magnets, scientists at the Large Hadron Collider have opened a portal to a parallel universe.
Not wanting to trigger a global panic, CERN officials are denying it strenuously, but one scientist, insisting on strict anonymity, described her mind-bending journey to another dimension.
“Upon my arrival, I was astonished to discover that the parallel universe is identical to our own in every respect, except for one very special difference.
Everyone here has significantly more closet space.
They have all the same problems we do — climate catastrophes, tribal factionalism, gun violence, religious extremism — but their closets are uniformly huge.
In home after home, and I visited thousands of them in a nanosecond, I looked around at their massive closets, awestruck and envious. They had done it.
Humans had pooled centuries of technological knowhow and created a world where people could actually find their black yoga pants.
Picture generous floor space, with entire shelves for t-shirts and accessories, made from two inch cedar planks, not that pressed particle board horseshit.
Sturdy racks comfortably accommodated not just suits and sport jackets but also outside coats hats and scarves. People found their favorite outerwear instantly. Plus gloves. Meaning people here had two gloves that match rather than five singles that very much do not.
Collared shirts hung with a breathable three inch gap between each.
Is that…a hat rack? And what’s this for? Umbrellas? Just umbrellas?
And here’s something I’ve only seen in movies starring Katherine Heigl, a full length three way mirror.
With flanking sconces.
Shoes sat paired and racked in neat orderly rows. Even the galoshes, Chuck Taylors and Crocs. With room, acres of room, for more.
Goodbye, ugly 45 watt bulb with a chain pull. Hello, sexy multi directional adjustable track heads with 365° horizontal and 90° vertical rotation and dimmer.
And still there was room for hundreds of used Zazzle boxes full of utility bills, middle school yearbooks and mildewed baggies of weed.
No one had to store suitcases inside of other suitcases.
These closets had room for milk crates full of Dinosaur Jr. CDs, Earth, Wind & Fire eight tracks and “The Little Mermaid” on Laserdisc. Not in front of, behind or blocking anything you might actually want.
At no time did I hear someone say, “I know those goddamn ski goggles are in here somewhere.”
A man told me about coming back from Costco with four 16 packs of paper towels. Amount of time spent worrying he had a place to put it? Zero.
One kid won a giant stuffed Pikachu at the carnival, brought it home and put it in his closet next to her giant stuffed Hello Kitty. And the giraffes.
Their culture has no storage units and indeed no words for “storage unit” exists in their language.
True, they complained about the same things we complain about but when the topic turned to closet space everyone agreed life was pretty freakin’ good.
I vowed to carry this vision of a better future back to my own universe. And to my own closet.
Before returning to the portal, I took a final look. I fell to my knees.
Gently swaying before me was a row of squared away satin-covered padded hangers stretching to the far horizon.
We had conquered space.
***
Thanks to Amy Sea!
The T. Kent Jones Omnibus never closes. Free parking!
There’s so much comedy behind this blue-eyed cat.
