AGGRESSIVELY NOT TRUE

Cassidy Repents

I lie and lie and lie

Yeah, OK. I lied. A lot.

I, Cassidy Hutchinson, Lying Liar, raised my right hand in front of the January 6th committee and lied like a lying lie-filled lie machine. Under oath. Cassidy Hutchinson is not my name. My right hand is not even my right hand.

Everything President Trump and the Right said about me since I lied to Lying Liz Cheney and the rest of the planet is true.

“Her Fake story … is ‘sick’ and fraudulent.”

You don’t know how much it means to hear President Trump say that it was both. The story about him smashing a plate and the ketchup dripping down the wall, that was fraudulent.

But for “sick,” it’s hard to top the one about him lunging for the wheel when Secret Service told him he couldn’t go to the Capitol to lead an armed insurrection. On behalf of the entire sick and fraudulent community, I want to thank you for this award.

“This is either a made-up story by somebody looking to become a star, or fake news!”

Both! Both! I AM looking to become a star and it IS fake news! I’ve always craved attention for myself, which is why I went into conservative politics where my bottomless narcissism can roam free range.

As a spoiled lying diva, I require constant validation so I thought the best way to feed my ego would be to go on national TV and tell the most detailed, specific and totally plausible stories ever told about my former employer. Knowing that the most vindictive man on earth was hanging on my every word just made my non-stop lying that much more exciting.

My hair, my clothes, my composed, professional demeanor only underscore what a dangerous loose cannon I am. Go ahead, shoot the messenger. In a tight flattering close-up!

She was “very upset and angry that I didn’t want her”

So upset! So angry! Even though I was on Air Force One all the time and my office was practically next to his, Trump doesn’t know me. At all. We haven’t met. Even once. And that burns because I, Cassidy Hutchinson-Liar, am hopelessly in love with him. Who couldn’t love someone who screams at a Secret Service agent, “I am the fucking president!”

When 45 didn’t invite me to Mar-a-Lago that one time, I was so crushed that I flopped down on my frilly pink canopy bed and plotted my revenge.

I know. I’ll go to their stupid congressional hearing thingie, and fill the airwaves with my sick fraudulent lies. That’ll show you, you beautiful heartbreak of a man!

Hutchinson was, “a glorified receptionist and coffee fetcher in Meadows’ office … relaying boring office gossip, acting as if she had more access and input than she ever actually did.”

Duh! My only real skill is as an office gossip. Luckily, employers really dig that vibe, especially in a White House obsessed with leaks. And I rock at coffee fetching. Good thing I earned that political science degree!

I tune out anything that’s not “do you want half and half?” and talking shit about my co-workers. All those handwritten notes and emails corroborating everything I said on the stand is, like, so rando. Apparently, I write down very specific, cogent lies, too!

Anyone will tell you that “executive assistants” never play an important role in the success of their male bosses, so, like me, they make up stories about them because they’re jealous and they’re in love with them. My testimony was like fanfiction when girls write about kissing cute boys who might also be lonely vampires.

I’m 25, so obviously I’m way too Gen Z and female to make accurate observations or to assess the behavior of people older and smarter than myself, especially the heroic men in the Trump administration. Ask me about Dumbledore!

Like everyone my age, I’m on a cancel safari. I picked out a rich powerful man, looked right into the camera and lied as hard as I could. Just make sure you spell my name right!!! LOL!

“another grifter … using Tuesday’s show trials to audition for a spot on CNN or MSNBC.”

Busted! My made up fairy tales, which could determine whether the American Experiment survives or dies, was an audition for a spot on CNN or MSNBC. Look out, Tucker!

Cable news could be a cool stepping stone, but my real career goal is, obviously, as a paradigm-shifting influencer. As of today, thanks to a unexpected influx of VC, I’m a multi-platform lifestyle brand. Check out Bad News Cassidy Athleisure, at Bad Cassidy.com. Like, Follow, Subscribe!

And even though I’m a truth-free, vindictive, little coffee-fetcher who is crushing on Trump, some of the most powerful men in the world are attacking me with everything they have, like guilty cornered rats terrified of rotting in prison for the rest of their useless lives.

But what do I know? I just work here! Who needs cappuccino?

Lie atcha later!

(Check out my podcast, “Cassidy Hutchinson- Liar Lies Like a Lying Lie-filled Lie Machine.”)

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Thanks to Carol Lennox for editing!

The T. Kent Jones omnibus never closes.

So much comedy is behind this blue-eyed cat.