SHOVE THY NEIGHBOR
Illinois Is Too Close and You’ll Have to Move It
We’ve been so patient
“Pre-overturning Roe, Missouri state Rep. Mary Elizabeth Coleman tried to pass a law that would allow private citizens to sue over performing an abortion or helping a pregnant person get one — even if the procedure was outside Missouri.” — Above the Law blog, 5/4/22
Dear Illinois:
We, the great state of Missouri, have been your next-door neighbor for a long time. And by any measure, we’ve been remarkably tolerant. Our great red state has learned to tune out the land of Oprah. Of Smashing Pumpkins. Of Barack Hussein Obama.
But Missouri will no longer ignore your safe, legal, available abortions.
You can scream ‘turn that shit down’ only so many times before you have to call the cops.
Illinois, when your state votes on reproductive rights, and doesn’t immediately kowtow to Missouri’s extreme right wing, that hurts your neighbor’s strong, strong feelings, and feelings are always more important than millions of votes reflecting the “will” of the “people.”
It’s like this: states’ rights are more important than federal rights. And OUR state’s rights are more important than YOUR state’s rights. Got it? Illinois votes are in no way binding, because they so consistently diverge from Missouri’s. At this point, you’re just being rude.
Look, Illinois, we don’t want to sue you for performing a procedure that’s legal and none of our business, but when you give Missouri women options about their own bodies, what are we supposed to do? We’ve put in the rage time, and we will see dividends.
This has to stop. We’ve been talking to some of our neighbors, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Nebraska, and we all agree.
You should go.
We drafted a plan to relocate Illinois to an area right next to New Jersey, near the Delaware Water Gap. You’ll be so much happier in Wokeistan, where you can globalize, atheize, and abort to your heart’s content.
And we’ll be happy for you to get the fuck out. Indiana will shove over and take your spot, a major upgrade, clearing a red path all the way from Indianapolis to Denver without hitting any significant Democrat resistance. Or abortion providers.
Bottom Line? Blue states need to be much, much further away. If the Mississippi River were somehow 500 miles wide and it took a mule team three weeks to cross it, then Illinois could stay where it is.
Missouri needs red state neighbors where women will have to drive for days to find an abortion provider, and then face abuse and harassment when they finally get there. Neighbors who jump at the chance to clog up the courts with junk lawsuits. Neighbors who treat women with the same contempt that we do. Is that so hard?
Vaya con dios, Illinois. Turns out, you just weren’t Midwest material.
P.S. Leave a forwarding address — we’re still going to sue you.