avatarT. Kent Jones

Free AI web copilot to create summaries, insights and extended knowledge, download it at here

2758

Abstract

hat? You make eating Cheerios HAWT. You CHEW sexy. Yeah I said it. Sorry not sorry!!</i></p><p id="03b1">7:33 a.m. At the gym</p><p id="ea17">Natalie is perched on a treadmill next to mine, matching me stride for stride.</p><p id="4b79"><i>Natalie: I am going to start calling you Seabiscuit because no human runs like this. Are you kidding me with those hamstrings? Shut! Up! Your butt is like, CGI.</i></p><p id="7aa1">10: 42 a.m. At home.</p><p id="393c">Natalie is perched under my desk, watching me write.</p><p id="b1bd"><i>Natalie: (in golf announcer whisper) No one who stormed Omaha Beach was half as brave as Kent Jones is right now. I am watching the next Bible being born out of his masculine fingertips. Fueled by warm homemade brownies and Diet Cokes this virile colossus is Making America Great Again. AND I GET TO WATCH. Sorry. I’m gonna be SO quiet now.</i></p><p id="1b78">4:22 p.m. Laundromat</p><p id="70d2">Natalie is perched on the dollar changer machine while I stuff T-shirts and underwear into a washer.</p><p id="28e8"><i>Natalie: No way! You pour it in that little slot? NOBODY knows where to pour the fabric softener! Is there ANYTHING you can’t do?</i></p><p id="78d0">6:15 Dinner</p><p id="cfc0">Natalie is perched at my elbow wearing footman livery. She has just served me a giant rare T-bone, a pile of parmesan fries and two huge scoops of chocolate ice cream. My wife got one.</p><p id="2e02"><i>Natalie: Get excited, Skinny Stable Genius, we’re gonna have such a blast after dinner! I had costumes made so we can re-enact the Chuck Norris movie, “Missing In Action.” Then you can scream at me for a couple of hours, break some stuff and if you want, fall sobbing into my arms. Or whatever!! Then we’ll find some news stories that have nothing to do with you and MAKE them about you! Then we’ll Google “Kent Jones” and turn some Comments sections into a toxic swamp! And later, if you’re not too tired, we’ll have more brownies and sue somebody! Crushed it!</i></p><p id="605b">10:06 p.m. Sleep</p><p id="8bd4">Natalie is perched at the foot of the bed. It is dark except for a revolving night light throwing silhouettes of rabbits and bears on the walls. Natalie is giving me a foot massage wearing mink gloves.</p><p id="ed11"><i>Natalie: (humming softly) Who’s my brave, handsome boy? Who’s better than every other boy? Who’s the smartest boy in the whole wide world? Who’s my brave, handsome boy….</i></p><p id="870c">2:13 a.m. Bathroom</p><p id="c210">Natalie is perched on the radiator, in the dark, wide awake. Toilet flushes.</p><p id="b98c"><i>Natalie: Four more years! Four more years! Brownie?</i></p><p id="14fa">***</p><p id="a97c"><i>Thanks to <a href="https://aculberg007.medium.com/">Amy Sea,</a> who deserves

Options

her own full-time sycophant.</i></p><p id="4348"><i>The T. Kent Jones <a href="https://medium.com/muddyum/t-kent-jones/home">omnibus </a>never closes. Free Parking!</i></p><div id="13df" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-have-a-cold-177d3923a446"> <div> <div> <h2>I Have a Cold*</h2> <div><h3>*What I tell people when it’s actually something else</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*-eXp2NnRh-_YShbB)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="8502" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-sarcasm-works-8e33cc8852d2"> <div> <div> <h2>How Sarcasm Works</h2> <div><h3>Gee, thanks for the life lessons, asshole</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*CICnLelkVYX6LfEbrajbiA.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="4e00" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/listen-up-klowns-629e7ff6b241"> <div> <div> <h2>Listen Up, Klowns</h2> <div><h3>The komedy is about to get extremely hardkore</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*weSely6dvysbOfP8GtSavA.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="6cdf" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@tkentjones/subscribe"> <div> <div> <h2>Get an email whenever T. Kent Jones publishes.</h2> <div><h3>Get an email whenever T. Kent Jones publishes. By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don't already…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*GPrJIvend8Gg1hCq)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="224f">Click the skull. Join the party.</p><figure id="3d76"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*MLv7xMLOF3yOsfA5.png"><figcaption><a href="https://davidtoddmccarty.medium.com/">David Todd McCarty</a></figcaption></figure></article></body>

HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

Bestest Job Ever!!

I hire Trump’s toady to flatter me all day

Created by CRAIYON

8:10 p.m. Read this story

“Some longtime aides are particularly distressed by the influence of (Natalie) Harp, 31, who is rarely absent from his side. She is said to cater attentively to (Trump’s) need for constant praise. While other advisers have urged Trump to vet his statements to the social media platform Truth Social, Harp has been willing to post whatever Trump wants without review. She often perches herself right outside his office, two advisers said, and follows Trump around all day, including on the golf course.” — Washington Post

8: 15 p.m. I am intrigued. Call Rent-A-Sycophant. Arrange for them to send over a first class toady in the morning.

6:12 a.m. Wake up

Blonde, blue eyed Natalie Harp is perched on a high stool next to my bed. She is wearing a sweater with “TKJ” embroidered across the front.

She is smiling.

Natalie Harp: Goooooood morning, T. Kent Jones, America’s favorite comedy genius! How do you wake up so handsome? I brought a Diet Coke — with ice! — some fan mail and a warm brownie. Great news! Everyone who loved and feared you yesterday loves and fears you EVEN MORE today! I have polls! The heart balloons are from me. Just cuz! God, you’ve lost weight! I think somebody’s going to need TWO scoops of chocolate ice cream for dinner! Skinny genius!

6:15 a.m. Bathroom

Natalie is perched outside the bathroom with her ear to the door. Toilet flushes.

Natalie: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! The streak continues!!

6:38 a.m. Walk the dog

Natalie is perched in a nearby tree with her phone.

Natalie: Everyone says you’re the greatest dog turd picker upper in the history of the world but, OMG, proof! It will be MY PRIVILEGE to post this turd scoop video to Truth and Twitter and IG. Done! Deal with it, libs! I took the liberty of framing five articles of Joe Biden with dog crap all over his fingers!! He wants to be you, SO BAD! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

6: 57 a.m. Breakfast

Natalie is perched on the dog bed, watching me eat.

Natalie: Not fair, gorgeous! You don’t get to be brilliant AND handsome before 8 a.m.!! You know what? You make eating Cheerios HAWT. You CHEW sexy. Yeah I said it. Sorry not sorry!!

7:33 a.m. At the gym

Natalie is perched on a treadmill next to mine, matching me stride for stride.

Natalie: I am going to start calling you Seabiscuit because no human runs like this. Are you kidding me with those hamstrings? Shut! Up! Your butt is like, CGI.

10: 42 a.m. At home.

Natalie is perched under my desk, watching me write.

Natalie: (in golf announcer whisper) No one who stormed Omaha Beach was half as brave as Kent Jones is right now. I am watching the next Bible being born out of his masculine fingertips. Fueled by warm homemade brownies and Diet Cokes this virile colossus is Making America Great Again. AND I GET TO WATCH. Sorry. I’m gonna be SO quiet now.

4:22 p.m. Laundromat

Natalie is perched on the dollar changer machine while I stuff T-shirts and underwear into a washer.

Natalie: No way! You pour it in that little slot? NOBODY knows where to pour the fabric softener! Is there ANYTHING you can’t do?

6:15 Dinner

Natalie is perched at my elbow wearing footman livery. She has just served me a giant rare T-bone, a pile of parmesan fries and two huge scoops of chocolate ice cream. My wife got one.

Natalie: Get excited, Skinny Stable Genius, we’re gonna have such a blast after dinner! I had costumes made so we can re-enact the Chuck Norris movie, “Missing In Action.” Then you can scream at me for a couple of hours, break some stuff and if you want, fall sobbing into my arms. Or whatever!! Then we’ll find some news stories that have nothing to do with you and MAKE them about you! Then we’ll Google “Kent Jones” and turn some Comments sections into a toxic swamp! And later, if you’re not too tired, we’ll have more brownies and sue somebody! Crushed it!

10:06 p.m. Sleep

Natalie is perched at the foot of the bed. It is dark except for a revolving night light throwing silhouettes of rabbits and bears on the walls. Natalie is giving me a foot massage wearing mink gloves.

Natalie: (humming softly) Who’s my brave, handsome boy? Who’s better than every other boy? Who’s the smartest boy in the whole wide world? Who’s my brave, handsome boy….

2:13 a.m. Bathroom

Natalie is perched on the radiator, in the dark, wide awake. Toilet flushes.

Natalie: Four more years! Four more years! Brownie?

***

Thanks to Amy Sea, who deserves her own full-time sycophant.

The T. Kent Jones omnibus never closes. Free Parking!

Click the skull. Join the party.

David Todd McCarty
Satire
Humor
Trump
Sycophant
Kent Jones
Recommended from ReadMedium