Gay Boy Learns about Grief and the Power of Imperfection

Josh and Dustin get shocking, sad, scary news

Josh never expected his world would explode just because he opened Instagram. He never expected his heart would tear open. When he first saw Martina’s face in the photo, he smiled so big his face cracked. He hadn’t seen his trans friend in FOREVER. But when he read her words, he jumped up, his smile twisting into something too dark and terrible for a 14 year old.

“Dad!” he screamed, running out of the room. “Dad!”

“Sit down, Roger,” said Melanie Fischer, principal of White Sands Middle School. She wasn’t even pretending to smile as she fidgeted in her custom ergonomic desk chair.

Roger Grant had always liked his boss, but he knew this conversation would be tense, or worse. He didn’t blame Melanie, but he wasn’t about to change his mind. “Let the dice fly,” he muttered under his breath.

“Roger. Look at me. You must take those rainbow stickers off your desk. Take them off today, before things spin out of control.”

“I won’t,” he said. “I mean, I can’t.”

“What the hell good is stubborn? You KNOW I don’t approve of the school board’s decision, but what choice do we have? I’m on your side. Trust me. Think of the kids!”

“I wish it were that simple. Look, I know you’re a friend. When Ken and I moved here, you and Henry were the best. You made us feel so welcome in the community. But ... I AM thinking of the kids. I’m thinking I’m doing more harm than good by letting them see me silenced.”

“Ridiculous! You’re here for them!”

“Think so? I think I’m only here for kids who don’t need me, who already have support at home or from their friends. What good am I for the trans or gay kids the school forced out of GSA? What does my presence in the classroom do for kids I’m not allowed to talk to about ANYTHING that matters?”

“Roger!” gasped Melanie. “You really mean to make me fire you?”

“Come on! GSA membership has crashed. The only kids who attend are the who don’t care if their parents get a note from school. The kids who really NEED it? They’re out. And if they walk into my classroom? They don’t see me and Ken in a photo on my desk anymore. They don’t hear me talk about their issues, because I CAN’T. Then the rainbow flags disappeared. And now my tiny stickers just to show kids I’m safe?”

“Not fair! We didn’t punish the kids who do that walkout over the flags! And I hate the sticker decision as much as you do. I’m doing the best I can.”

“This isn’t about you. It’s me and the kids. I can’t DO this anymore. The stickers stay. You do whatever you have to.”

“Roger, please. Let’s talk about this calmly, you’re one of the best teachers in the …”

She never finished her sentence. Halfway through, Roger’s phone buzzed and he glanced down to see a message from Josh’s dad. His tanned face turned white as a piece of school notepaper.

“Oh, my God, Melanie,” he said, a tear starting down one cheek. “Oh, my God.”

“I never knew anybody who died before,” sobbed Josh.

“We don’t know she’s dead,” said Dustin, putting an arm around his boyfriend and pulling him close.

Josh pushed him off, curling up in a ball on his bed. “By the time you read this, it’s already too late!” he chanted. “She wrote to say goodbye. She’s gone!”

“Don’t think that way! Your dad called the police, and him and Mr. Grant are over at her dad’s now. They’ll find her. It’s… You gotta believe!”

A sharp rap sounded on the door as a high-pitched “Can I come in?” floated into the bedroom.

“Life ain’t Peter Pan and fairy dust,” grumbled Josh as Dustin let their friend Lucas in.

“Wait! I’m here too,” said Olivia, slipping past the closing door. “Oh, my God, I got the same message from Martina but I didn’t see it until Josh texted me, and oh, my God, Josh, are you okay, and who else got the note? Lucas?”

Dustin held out his phone to show Olivia the same suicide note all three of them received, while Lucas looked at the ground and mumbled, “I didn’t really know her.”

“You went to the same church!” barked Josh. “You know her family!”

Lucas’s eyes went wide, like he’d been slapped.

“Everybody chill,” said Dustin, squeezing Lucas’s arm. “We know you weren’t out yet when her parents sent her to that … that place. Right, Josh?”

“That conversion therapy place,” mumbled Josh, curling up into a tighter ball, ignoring the hurt look on Lucas’s face.

“Kids?”

Josh looked up and saw his mom peeking in.

Her voice sounded strange. She looked straight into Josh’s red eyes. “Your dad and Mr. Grant just got home, honey. Can y’all please come into the kitchen? They’ve got some news for you.”

“No, Keesha,” said Mr. Grant the next day as they all sat around the pool and waited for Josh’s dad to finish flipping burgers and hotdogs on the grill. “I’m not going to change my mind, and I doubt Ms. Fischer will. I won’t be your teacher after next week. Or anybody’s teacher.”

“Damn,” whistled the tall trans girl. She stood and offered a fist bump. “Mad respect, Mr. G. Mad respect.”

“You can’t go!” protested Olivia. “We need you!”

“No, listen,” started Mr. Grant. “Let me …”

“Need him for what?” interrupted Keesha. “I ain’t exactly the president of your fan club, girl, but you know what? YOU made the GSA mean something to a lot of kids, not him. And you KEEP it going even for kids who can’t go to meetings.”

She fist bumped Lucas, who said, “I got real friends because of you guys. Because of Olivia!”

“And what about you, Keesha?” said Mr. Grant. “You and Dustin are leaders at school. You two made the flag walkout happen, and you two walk the halls not taking any … Well, wait till next week and I’ll finish that sentence.”

“Not taking any shit!” said Josh, looking up from where he’d been hugging his knees. “Keesha and Dustin don’t take shit, and people look up to them for it.”

“They’re gonna fire me anyway, I might as well say the words. I’m tired of taking shit, guys. Not because of my ego, but because I’m showing kids it’s OK to hide like we’re ashamed to be who we are. Every time I walk in the school doors. I won’t do that anymore. It’s not helping any of you.”

“But you helped me!” said Josh. “You gave me the courage to come out.”

Dustin walked over and plopped down beside his boyfriend. “Nothing is perfect. Sometimes you just have to do the best you can even if it’s not perfect.” He kissed Josh on the cheek and looked up. “Huh, Mr. Grant?”

“Grub’s on!” shouted Ken, walking over wiping his hands on a paper towel and kissing his husband in a fair imitation of Dustin.

“Yup,” said Josh’s dad, waving a greasy spatula over by the grill. “Hamburgers, soy burgers, tofu dawgs, and real-thing cancer dawgs. Come get it while it’s still sizzlin!”

Keesha laughed and grabbed a burger while Lucas sidled over and said a very quiet, “Thanks so much for the soy stuff,” as they slipped a burger off the platter Josh’s dad, who ruffled their hair, was piling high.

Josh sat next to Mr. Grant at lunch, feeling like he might cry. He understood his teacher was doing what he needed to do, but he couldn’t make the feelings go away — the feelings of losing somebody very special.

“Hey,” said Mr. Grant, like he could read Josh’s thoughts. “Just because you won’t see me every day at school doesn’t mean you won’t see me. I’m here today, aren’t I?”

“And you get me as an extra special bonus,” joked Ken.

“And besides, said Mr. Grant,” I might have some really cool news to share later. I might have a sweet job lined up already.”

Josh tried to be excited. “That’s awesome … I mean, for you and all.”

“Ohoho,” chuckled Ken. “And maybe for you too, Mr. Sad Face.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind for now,” said Mr. Grant. “Today is about somebody else.” He pointed to his phone. “Looks like our guest is arriving.”

Josh ran into the house and all the way to the front door. He threw it open just as Martina was raising a finger to ring the bell.

She looked so good in a yellow summer dress with spaghetti straps, shiny black held down by a pretty ribbon. He couldn’t believe he was finally seeing her again. “Girl!” he shouted, his voice breaking into a high squeak. “We were so scared for you!”

She didn’t a say a word, just let Josh squeeze her into a tight hug and spin her around.

A cough stopped him. He looked up and spotted Martina’s dad beside the rose bush, looking like he wanted to come in the house.

“No!” shouted Josh, his voice twisted up in fear as remembered how furious the man had become when Martina came out. And now he could see her in girl clothes! He pushed her behind him to protect her.

“It’s OK, Josh. I brought her here. I want Martina to be here with you guys today. Where she’s safe. You don’t have to be afraid of me anymore.”

Just then Mr. Grant rounded the corner and reached the door. “Larry!” he said. “So glad you made it.” He smiled at Martina and then, to Josh’s shock, he wrapped Martina’s dad in a tight hug.

“Come on, guys, both of you. Come out back and get some lunch with us. We can’t wait to talk to you.”

Josh trailed the three back to the pool falling behind as he thought carefully about Mr. Grant getting fired and about the tears running down Martina’s dad’s cheeks.

Want to read more about Josh, Dustin, Olivia, Martina, and their friends? Check out these stories, which you don’t have to read in order, though you might like to:

James Finn is a columnist for the LA Blade, a former Air Force intelligence analyst, an alumnus of Queer Nation and Act Up NY, and an “agented” but unpublished novelist. Send questions, comments, and story ideas to [email protected].

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