Free Ticket to Nowhere: Chapter 18
A Stark Mystery
The last time I wore a spandex suit was New Year’s Eve 1998. It was the first thing I thought about when I unpinned the manuscript and handed it off to Larry the Rambo Lion Lawyer, “I won’t just win your case, I’ll tear it to pieces!”, and promptly collapsed out of exhaustion. I’d dug up a treasure that could’ve paid my rent until the end of time, but a Tin Man, his insides jittering with the bodies of at least six Leprechauns with impressive upper body strength, took it from me. There’s a lesson to be learned in there somewhere.
“Snark,” whispered Fred. “Snark, you planning on taking a little snooze? This is your time to shine. Get up and let’s get after that Tin-bottomed Thief.”
“I need a minute, pal,” I said. There was a cloud in the sky that looked like the kid from Sixth Sense, but he had Burt Reynold’s mustache. “I see trucker people.”
Then it happened.
It was 1998. I was at my friend Ted’s apartment, back when I still had friends, and he was showing me the cans of beans he was already stockpiling in his cupboards for Y2K.
“Once that ball drops the price of beans is going to sky rocket! Just you wait.” Ted tapped his head, which is where he claimed his brain was. “Next year when the ball drops it’ll be too late. The shelves will be empty all year round while everyone scrambles. I’m ahead of the game, man.”
“You’re something,” I replied. I had a buzz but it wasn’t good enough to drone out his rambling. “I need a refill. There still beer in the fridge?” He waved me off and I headed for the kitchen six feet away.
“I’m okay. It’s fine,” I said. Larry grabbed me by the arm and helped me up. My back felt stiff, my arms felt useless. Everyone was staring at me, well, part of me. “What? There’s a chill in the air. Give me a break.”
“We need to follow that dust storm,” said Rambo Lion. He tapped his cigar and shoved it back between his lips. The manuscript was under his arm. I could see Krystal eyeing it.
Then things started to feel a bit fuzzy again. Fred was talking, or at least I think he was. I saw his lips moving but the words just sounded along the lines of, “Blub-blub-blub-blaah,” nothing was making any sense. My legs began to wobble and the ground got closer and closer.
I grabbed a can of beer out of the refrigerator, it was still warm. I cracked it and looked back at the party. Everyone was smiling, talking about their lives, some even dancing to the radio, and there I was with a warm beer wanting nothing more than to head out the door and grab some take-out for the night. Then I heard someone moaning. It wasn’t a good moan, you know what I mean, but a distressed one. It was coming from the bathroom. The door was ajar so I pushed it open.
Sitting on the floor with her back up against the wall was a woman with her head in her hands.
“Are you okay?” I asked. She moved her hands and looked up at me. “You’re looking a little green. Do you want me to grab you a soda or something? I think I saw some Ginger Ale in the fridge, it’s probably warm, just a heads up.”
“No need,” she replied. “I just have a wicked headache. Nice outfit by the way.”
“Ted told me this was going to be a costume party. Grabbed this last minute.” I sat down next to her and pushed the door closed. The commotion of the party faded away. She wore a black dress with black and white striped stockings.
“You’re the detective, right? Or going to be one, something like that. Sorry,” she said, “I overheard you talking earlier. What’re you going to name your agency?”
“Finding that out will be my first case.” I offered her a sip of my beer, she accepted. “How long have you been in here?”
“Long enough to know my sister is probably half in the tank by now.”
“Which one is your sister?” I thought back on everyone bustling around in the party, their chatter like a buzzing hive of small-talking bees.
“Last I saw her she was dancing like a maniac. She’s been like that ever since she moved to the east side. It’s obnoxious.”
“Ah, I saw her out there. She’s still going at it too. If she keeps it up she’ll end up bringing the house down, or, apartment…building?”
“I hope the whole building falls on top of her.” She smiled.
“Where do you live?” I asked.
“The west side is the best side.”
“That was corny.” She smiled again. I liked seeing her smile.
When I snapped out of it everyone was hovering over me like I was a frog in a sixth-grade science class. Nobody wanted to be the first one to poke at it, but secretly everyone wanted to know what was inside.
“What’s he thinking?” asked Gwen. She was staring me right in the eyes, trying to slither her way into my soul through my pupils.
“He’s thinking you’re a ripe crazy one,” snapped Fred.
I tried to get up, but it was no use.
Haley Joel Reynolds needed to shave that thing off. He looked ridiculous up there.
“I have powers you know,” she said.
“What?” I looked down at my warm beer. “The Y2K robots have messed with the beer, haven’t they? Your sip must’ve sent you over the edge. It’ll be okay. Come with me if you want to — ”
“Sing?”
“I was going to say, never mind. No, I don’t sing.”
“You will.”
I found myself slung over Rambo Lion’s shoulder. We were walking along a path of red bricks. With a groggy stare, I looked up to notice the path went on for an eternity.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
Krystal was being shoved along by Fred at the end of the line while Gwen strutted in front of R.L and I.
“We need to get to Dorothy,” said Fred. “You need to face her and bring her back from the brink. But at the pace we’re traveling she’ll be an old hag knitten mittens like your old mum by the time we get there.”
“My mum…”
“Okay, I’ll bite. What kind of ‘powers’ do you have?”
“Well, none I can show you right now. It’s complicated.” She got up and opened the bathroom door. She looked over to the party then back at me. “I’ll be right back.”
When she returned she was holding ruby red slippers. They looked like they belonged in a glass case at a movie themed restaurant with mediocre food. She put them on. She looked good. She looked like a cold beer on a hot summer’s day. I was really craving cold beer at the time.
She looked down at me and smirked. Then, in a curious turn of events, tapped her heels together for a good thirty seconds.
“What was all that about?” I asked.
“I made you a great singer. It’s my little way of thanking you for being so nice to me.”
“That’s all well and good, but I still don’t sing.”
“You will,” she said accompanied with a shrug and the prettiest smile I’d ever seen.
“Well okay then. What else can those shoes do? Can they get me out of this party? I’d really like to just go home.”
“You’re the only person here I actually like talking to, so, even though they could, they won’t. I will however give you something even better.” She tapped her heels again, just three times. “Next time you find yourself in white spandex just close your eyes, tap your heels together, picture in your mind wherever you want to be and… POOF!”
“Poof? I’ll be there? Just like that?”
She nodded.
“That’s an oddly specific spell.”
She nodded.
“Can those shoes fix the fridge?”
She shook her head.
I started to wiggle my way out of Rambo’s grip. How long had he been holding me? He dropped me over his shoulder and I hit the ground gracefully-ish.
“I know how to get us to Dorothy,” I said, getting up from the red path. I stretched my back until I heard a crack then waved everyone over. “Come close, come close.”
To be continued…
Check out all the previous chapters:
Chapter One:Chapter Two:Chapter Three:Chapter Four:Chapter Five
Chapter Six:Chapter Seven:Chapter Eight:Chapter Nine:Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven:Chapter Twelve:Chapter Thirteen:Chapter Fourteen