Free Ticket to Nowhere: Chapter 5
A Stark Mystery
The farmer dropped me at the Ramada. Driving off, he waved while munching a slice of pizza he purloined from that last delivery.
It was windy but I couldn’t face the bustling crowd yet.
When I need time to think, I usually walk. But with the wind buffeting my perfect hair, I opted for a ride.
I hopped into an Uber waiting by the curb. A sticker on its rear bumper read, ‘Want a peek o’ Topeka? Ask me how.’ It started moving before I got the door closed.
At first, I thought it was a self-driving car. But a voice from the driver’s seat said, “Please don’t get pepperoni grease on my upholstery.”
I peeked over the driver’s seat to see a little man, eating sunflower seeds as he steered with one hand. He was about the size of a munchkin and dressed like one too.
He turned to me and said, “God, these are good. Want some?”
His voice sounded like he was mainlining helium.
“Munchkin…”
“Don’t call me that, man. I’m trying to fit in.”
“I’m Stark… uhm, Dusty. What do you go by?”
“In Kansas, I’m Fred. Where to?”
“I need to clear my head. Just drive.”
Fred hit the highway and the rolling countryside put my mind at ease. Sunflowers graced my view for miles. I felt a song coming on.
“Oooooooklahom…”
The look from Fred shut me up.
“You’re in the wrong state, Snark. We don’t sing that song in these parts.”
“I thought…”
“Well, you thought wrong. Locals feel dissed because no one ever wrote a musical about Kansas. Or especially Topeka.”
“You’re not a local?”
“I’ve been here… a few decades and I’m still a member of the Newcomers Club.” Fred started humming and mumbled, “They couldn’t keep me in Poughkeepsie…”
“What’s that?”
“I’m working on a musical about Topeka.”
“You must like it here.”
“I have to say, their winters… I’d rather deal with flying monkeys. Up to me? I’d give the whole place back to the bugs and the buffalo.”
“Why do you stay?”
“A munchkin’s got to eat, man. There’s nowhere over that rainbow anymore. I can’t go back. That ‘wizard’ cleaned us out.”
“I’m here for the scribbler’s conference.”
“Lotta ink being spilled about some of the featured speakers. I hear Krystal Kelly is the headliner. I’d give her a ride in my car.”
I heard that but feigned indifference. “Any good places to eat?”
“Yeah, they’ve got steak up the yin yang on any street corner. But you can’t get a decent lollipop to save your tuchis.”
“Are you…?”
“My grandfather was head of the guild.”
This place was strange. Jackrabbits, munchkins… I expected a mad hatter at any moment. And what of that handwritten manuscript? That Krystal chick could have turned it into scratch paper by now. Or she’s already in Hollywood negotiating a mini-series.
I’d always heard ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’. But I knew from personal experience, a typewriter doesn’t stand a chance against a snub-nosed .38. I needed to get to work.
Then Fred took me out of my reverie.
“We came over after the Wizard and Dorothy took everything not nailed down.”
“What do you mean? Dorothy was the…”
“Stay away from Dorothy, man. She comes off all sunflowers, but when that sun sets…”
“Aren’t you talking about the ‘Wicked…’?”
He knocked on his head. “Hello in there… Ding dong! That witch is dead, man. She was all hat and no cackle.”
“But I heard…”
“That’s pulp propaganda, man. Some say Scarecrow is the brains of the operation. But no way. And the Tinman is as heartless as they come. He’d as soon cut you as kiss you. I’m telling you, Dorothy is the real deal. They don’t call her the Witch of Wichita for nothing.”
“What about the Lion?”
“I ain’t lyin’, man. Don’t you believe me? Ask anyone. They’ll tell you.”
I had to ask. “Any connection between Krystal and…”
“Where you been, Snark? She handles all the P.R. for that gang.”
And here I thought I hopped into an Uber to clear my head. I didn’t think we were in Topeka anymore.
Fred turned to me. “If you really want, I can get you to her. But it will cost you. And I’m not talking about sunflower seeds.”
I threw a C-note onto the front seat.
“How far will that take me?”
“My friend, it’s time to get outta Dodge.”
Fred got to an interchange and took the 335 south toward Wichita. We rode in silence and I watched the flatlands unfold before us.
The electric car rolled to a stop. Fred swore as he got out and pulled a kite from the trunk.
“What’s up, Fred?”
He laughed and said, “Where’s a hot air balloon when you need one?”
I watched him methodically arrange the kite for flying. It was clouding up.
“This happens all the time, Snark. With these EVs, you don’t want to get caught in a blizzard, that’s for sure.”
He sent the kite aloft and then clipped the string to the car’s recharging unit.
Nothing made sense to me. “What are you doing?”
“Emergency fix. You see any charging stations around? You might want to stay in the car for this.”
Lightning flashed. I never heard thunder so close. The wind died but the kite stayed up. The eerie quiet became oppressive.
I was back in the middle of nowhere and out of juice with a crazy munchkin, I barely knew.
The lightning led the storm toward us. A blinding, deafening flash and the car came to life.
Fred pulled back onto the highway. The sky glowed a bilious green. The land lay still in unshadowed gloom.
Fred pointed, “There it is…”
Watching the funnel cloud descend from the sky seemed weirdly normal considering the surreal day I’d had. It touched ground about three miles away. We watched a farmhouse explode.
I asked, “How often does this happen?”
Unfazed, Fred said, “Not as often as you might think. ‘Bout once a week.”
The tornado moved toward us. Fred pulled a U-turn.
“We’ve got to outrun it! Fasten your seatbelt. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.”
Continues in Chapter 6…
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