Sexuality

Five Mindshifts To Reset Your Sex life

#3. A clitoris is not a tiny penis.

We all want to be great in bed.

Nevertheless, each partner we bump into is a different universe, with different needs, likes, and unique expectations. How to deal with so many variables? It’s hard, but! What if I told you there are five small changes you could start implementing today to become an unforgettable lover?

That’s right.

Five mind shifts anyone can apply to reignite the passion in a relationship, even if you’re long-distance.

But, before we move on to the five tips to enhance your sex life, there are two things I need you to do:

• Think about what it is that you’re looking to improve and the reasons why, and…
• Read this article until the end. Trust me; you don’t want to miss the end.

And so, without further ado, these are the five keys to boost your bedroom moves starting today.

1. Great sex requires great focus:

I wasn’t expecting to find this, but one factor affecting women’s disposition to enjoy sex is the difficulties of focusing on one task.

Don’t get me wrong; our brains are equally wired to focus on details, processes, and fulfilling similar tasks. The thing is that society isn’t equally built, and it affects more areas than we could imagine.

Social inequalities make it harder for women to focus. According to this study, sociocultural conditions can affect your ability to concentrate since women are overburdened with activities and household chores, a lower salary, and overwhelming childcare responsibilities.

“Creating sociocultural conditions which value women and men equally can improve a component of sustained attention.”

— Elizabeth Riley

The diversity of roles that women must play in societies characterized by gender inequality makes it harder for women to focus on one single task. Hence, that makes it harder for women to study, work, and find time for leisure, including enjoying masturbation and intercourse.

Do you find yourself thinking about your kid’s unfinished homework while trying to enjoy doggy style?

Being present in the here and now is an essential part of orgasms and sexual self-awareness. Having that opportunity to connect with the sensations you’re experiencing will allow you to achieve sexual satisfaction.

What you can do:

Ask for help, accept it, and repeat. Lift some of that weight off your shoulders.

And, if you have a female partner:

• Provide support.
• Help her in whatever way you can.
• Step up if you notice areas in which you could offer companionship.

Your sex life won’t improve until your partner can relax the same way you do. After all, that “I have a headache” line isn’t an excuse; it’s a consequence of a world we all should strive to change.

2. Rethinking the female sexual response through the lens of equality:

If you find yourself overwhelmed, it’s probably not because something’s faulty in your libido or sexual response. Instead, you’re probably dealing with too many things.

Many of these things might not be easy to change, and that you might need to keep dealing with them in the foreseeable future.

Maybe you’re under too much pressure, and you could start seeing that as a consequence rather than a symptom.

So fellow lovers, in case you are wondering how you can literally “set the mood” tonight, give your female partner a hand with anything she, the house, or the kids might be needing.

That way, you’ll be creating a much more effective atmosphere than any candles and sexy music could.

“Oral sex requires tongue: both for talking and licking.”

Stop demanding anything from her… Start giving.

Try the more philanthropic approach. Give back, don’t ask for anything in return.

Go the extra mile and give her some space and time for herself. She might not have the time or mindset to allow herself to have fun.

Yet this strategy will increase not only her disposition to relax but also the quality of the relationship you’re building together.

3. Stop thinking she has a tiny penis between her legs:

I know this sounds funny after I wrote about equality, but we are different. Although we have the same cognitive abilities, our bodies aren’t the same and don’t respond equally to the same stimuli.

While a man’s sexual responsiveness can be seen as a steep mountain, a woman’s is more like a plateau, and getting to the top takes three times more time and effort.

Women respond and enjoy penetration differently, which might come as shocking, but we don’t have a penis! That’s right. The way you play and experiment pleasure with your penis is not automatically transferable to a woman’s clitoris.

“The clitoris is the pleasure center of the woman’s body.”

That’s just a phallocentric myth.

And, although the clitoris is full of nerve endings and its stimulation is practically mandatory for a woman to reach climax, stroking her like “you would love to be stimulated” won’t do any good.

Unless you’re a gay or lesbian couple, the way you achieve pleasure is very different.

Sexual intercourse is an interaction between two bodies that look to satisfy sexual impulses under consent, wrapped in pleasure and hormones.

But there’s so much more on the menu!

I can’t count how many times I have seen penetrative sex portrayed in movies (and pornography) as the non plus ultra goal. But, dude, I’ve got news for you:

That’s what the media want us to believe.

If we could begin to show what truly satisfying sex looks like, there would be scenes with much more dialogue, complicity, and boundaries—lots of them.

How to stimulate a clitoris:

First, don’t get near them until you’re requested to go down.

I’ll repeat.

Don’t get anywhere in that whole area until you’re invited.

Female pleasure takes time. Build tension, anticipation, desire. Explore all the other erogenous zones.

For example, if the time has come and everything’s set up for oral sex, don’t go there thinking about licking her clitoris right away.

That’s the “thinking with your penis” mentality we’re wanting to let go of… starting now.

Even guys love to be kissed on their inner thighs, testicles, and especially on their hips. So start elsewhere and build your way to their genitalia.

Remember, you can ask for hints!

I’m a firm believer that oral sex requires tongue: both for talking and licking.

4. You don’t have to do everything.

For example, ask her to spread her labia with her index and middle finger. That will give you a better angle to stimulate her at several erogenous areas of her thighs and vulva.

While giving her oral sex, you can use one of your hands to stimulate her nipples, penetrate her vagina or insert a finger in her mouth (or whatever orifice she likes it in).

You can also grab her hand to increase intimacy and connection.

5. Embrace your differences:

Keeping an open mind and a curious approach will teach you more about your partner’s needs. In the end, this is what will make you a better lover.

• Before going down on her, ask her to masturbate in front of you. Then, pay attention so you can learn to emulate her favorite moves.
• This approach to intimacy will also increase trust and adds another layer of pleasure to your bedroom repertoire.
• Vaginas and penises are very different. We don’t crave excessive attention on the clitoris. On the contrary, we need to be seen as a whole.

On the other side of the river, if you are practicing oral sex on a penis, remember there’s more than going down like a mechanical piston.

I’ve tried everything, but still, I can’t make them come with oral sex:

There’s nothing wrong with that, and the more pressure and insistence there is on this matter, the more difficult it will be to enjoy what you’re doing.

If your partner enjoys masturbation more, focus on polishing your HJ skills while performing oral sex. Start the erotic game and combine techniques and stimulation types. Bring toys with you!

I think we’re well beyond considering the only purpose of sex is to have an orgasm.

IDK, but that sounds a bit objectifying.

Finally, good sex depends on communication:

“He looked at me, and I felt our souls and bodies harmoniously vibrating encompassed to the dim light of a bonfire. Then, with a single kiss, we became one with the universe. We were finally complete.”

Don’t let that romantic BS fool you. There’s no good sex without the complexities of keeping it real.

Don’t shut down to trying something “new”:

Bringing new sensations to the bedroom is part of the formula to empower yourself through sex. But what can you do if you’ve already tried something, and the results were unpleasant?

That can be a huge problem when you refuse to give a try to something your partner is really into or vice versa.

Open yourself to trying new things, keeping in mind your partner’s ideas should be welcomed, but also make some requests!

Maybe you’ve tried a nefarious sex game in the past. Should you put yourself through that again? Maybe. But bear with me one sec. So many things may have changed since that moment:

• Maybe you have a new attitude towards sex.
• Maybe you’re involved with a different partner.
• Maybe you’ve become more creative.
• But most importantly, maybe you have worked on your ability to communicate.

Yes, some things could be too much for you, even triggering. However, intimate relationships often manage to shake memories that we would prefer to bury in the past.

But it is your responsibility to set clear boundaries and communicate that while some practices are out of the question, others are on the “maybe-perhaps-we’ll-see” bucket list.