You Can Break Your Own Heart
How to fix it: The cause, The curse, The cure
Did you know you can break your own heart?
Sometimes hitting a brick wall is what you need for a breakthrough. You can break your own heart but you can fix it with insight.
One morning, I woke up with the insight that I am not such a great person. I am an ungrateful bitch and coward that’s ruining my relationship because I’m afraid of love and it’ll f*ck up my love life forever if I don’t change. Now that’s insight!
The thing about insight is that it does nothing for you unless you do something about it. It’s always easier to blame someone else for your pain. Doing nothing is :
“like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was.” James 1:23–24
It’s easy not to do anything about it because it’s hard to look in the mirror and see that you are full of shit.
All too often people tend to blame someone else for their broken heart when it’s quite possible they had it coming. It’s called self-sabotage. This is why they say knowledge is power because you did it to yourself and to know that is true power.
It takes balls to say “I’m an asshole” or “I am a f*ck up” because admitting that you are wrong is embarrassing and unflattering.
Everyone wants to be right. Right?
The Cure: Insight
True insight is bad news.
Insight sounds like “I’m a loser and I need to change” or saying “I’m lazy and need to change.” What it doesn't sound like is “I’m a great person” or “I deserve love” because it doesn’t give you any reason to change.
Maybe you don’t deserve love BECAUSE you are not such a great person.
If you’re good enough the way you are, then why change anything? And, if somebody else wants you to change something, doesn’t that make them the bad guy? — Alexander Fox
I’m the real bad guy
Insight 1:
My first insight was when I realized that I was into assholes and that I was not a victim. It was the first time I realized that I was the cause of my own problems. I subconsciously chose jerks in my life that would be mean to me so I can be right about how all men suck therefore all romantic relationships suck. Then I would break up with them.
I got to dump those assholes and look like a hero the world would applaud.
Who should put up with an asshole? It was my babe in the woods act.
Sure they were jerks but it’s not their fault that they were in my life. I didn’t have to choose them over and over again. To blame these men for my f*cked up love life would be a foolish bandaid to the deeper problem. In the end, if I don’t look at the deeper reason…I’m screwed forever.
Fear of love is gonna f*ck up your love life forever…guaranteed!
The Aha Moment
I realized dumping assholes will always be a bandaid for an open wound of fear of love. I was a pussy afraid to look at myself in the mirror and say I chose assholes because I hate myself and felt unworthy of love.
If I was the one to push people away first then they can’t hurt me. By picking assholes for lovers, it confirm my deep belief that I was unworthy to be loved properly. Also, I get to look like the good guy. That’s the payoff.
This is the real insight, the real cancerous belief that fucked up my love life.
Somehow I developed a belief that I was unlovable and so no one would truly love me when they found out who I was. I wanted to avoid the pain of not being loved so I created a cancerous tragic love story that I could control.
Insight 2:
It wasn’t until my friend came over talking about her healthy relationship that I had an aha moment.
I realized that I equated all romantic relationships to drama.
I believed this because that is what I saw all around me and it was what I experienced. I created drama around all my own romantic relationships and I created unnecessary arguments when I got bored. This drama queen act came from fear of intimacy which came from fear of love. If he got too close, I might get hurt.
Drama equaled pain and pain was glued to love so therefore I provoked arguments to prove to myself that love is painful. That’s madness! But this all comes from my deep cancerous wound of believing that no one will love me.
Poor me. The innocent babe in the woods was my act but I was the one being the bitch and blaming it on my lover.
Insight 3:
I have someone that is loving me right now and lately, I am annoyed by it. I don’t trust it, what am I supposed to do with all this love? What's the point of loving them back if they are going to leave me eventually. So I push him away and take his love for granted to avoid the pain of being hurt eventually …That is the cure.
The cure is as simple as the cause
But I need to believe that I deserve love.
The best way to prove that is to love and value me.
We can break our own heart
Sometimes we can find ourselves in a string of shit relationships and blame other people for why our love life sucks.
The only one that can save us is ourselves. It's taking responsibility for our own lives. It's when we really stop and look at ourselves and ask “what the hell AM I doing to create this f*cked up situation?”
Attachment Styles
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention something that helped me understand myself better. It’s something called attachment styles. I encourage you to read about it here, here and here. It’s a good place for you to start for insight to help you understand why you are the way you are.
We are all born with attachment styles which are different ways we behave in relationships and is based on how we first experience love. Throughout life, expectations and how we experience relationships are directly influenced by attachments with our parents or caregivers.
For instance, Rachel Anyika, a trainee emotion & relational therapist says:
“ Those with fearful-avoidant attachment believe that they do not deserve or are unworthy of love. … Fearful-avoidant attachment is mostly the result of childhood trauma, emotional neglect or abuse.”
I was unintentionally abused as a child so I believed that the things I identified as being ‘authentically me’ were not socially accepted. Growing up I felt rejected so I developed this unhealthy belief that something was wrong with me and that’s why I was unlovable which created problems in my love life. My insights were my inner guiding light that showed my insecurity that I didn’t deserve love.
“So, how do you know when you deserve love? In my admittedly unscientific opinion, it’s when you make other people feel good more than you make them feel bad, as long as you aren’t making yourself feel bad in the process.” Alexander Fox
You need love to live as a functional human being!
You need people. If you push away people because you are afraid to love, you are screwing yourself over and possibly being an ungrateful bitch. Just as we need food to survive, love is a primal and fundamental necessity to live. What happens if we are afraid of the things we need to live?
Problems.
If you are afraid of oxygen and you don’t breathe, you die.
If you are afraid of food and you don't eat, you die.
If you are afraid of love and you don’t love, your relationships die.
If you feel yourself refusing to fully give or receive love, you’ve got a MAJOR block.
The Cause:
It could only be one thing!
Fear
It feels like a big thing living inside you. A big thing you try to ignore but you know it’s there. You’re not imagining it; It’s a shadow. A monster stops you from loving fully and so, therefore living fully. This monster is like a clogged pipe in your heart.
Whether it is :
- fear of abandonment
- fear of intimacy
- fear of commitment
- fear of rejection
You are blocking love because of fear of being hurt. It’s a block created to protect us from pain. Human beings are hardwired to the survival mechanism to avoid pain at all costs. It’s called fight or flight.
Fear of love is gonna f*ck up your love life forever. It’s shooting yourself in the foot because we can’t fear what we need. Attaching fear to love is attaching pain to love. The more we run away or block this primal need called love, we cause a host of problems for ourselves that result in a break-up or divorce.
The Curse
The curse is the cost of not facing your monster. How you love affects how you live. If you don’t face your fear you will never really love fully for the rest of your life.
I’m not saying you won’t ever find love, you might, but love will eventually feel like a dress rehearsal. Without insight, you are not going to play the game of life full-on like a spartan. Rather, you will live life in relationships as a coward. Always waiting for that dagger in the back. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always awaiting the pain of being hurt just around the corner. Like an untreated disease, this is serious shit that just won’t go away.
Blocking love is like a love disease, a cancer, a poison.
So be careful with that because whether you’re just a kid or you’re 90 years old, you will block love until the day you die if you don't do something about it right now.
Clearing the blocks would not come easily unless we identify the blocks.
The cure is insight.
The Cure: Self Love
I feel qualified to share my expertise because I f*cked up my own love life over the years and I’m still doing it. However, I am willing to change so I have a chance to turn it around because I’ve been blessed with insight. Insight is my cure and it wasn’t pretty; True personal insight is bad news. It’s like being aware of a cancerous tumor.
Bad can be Good!
Since you now know what it is and where it is, you can remove the cancerous tumor. If you refuse to see this insight well then…you are screwed. Cancer doesn’t come out, we get sick, we die.
In the same way, fear of love is like a cancer and if you refuse to treat it there will be serious consequences. It’s gonna F*ck up your love life forever. Simple as that.
But just like that, when you realize that you are responsible for your messed up love life that’s gold!
You are saved.
It’s like finally being the captain of your ship when you’ve been lost at sea because that’s real control to enhance your life and not destroy it.
Self Love is not a hallmark card, you gotta have some balls to take responsibility for your reality. Looking in the mirror may not be pretty but if your reality sucks then I invite you to look at yourself and have some balls to live a badass life.
If you don’t have anyone to love you for Valentine’s day maybe it’s because you don’t deserve it because you’ve been an asshole and you need to change. That’s insight!
Don’t feel too bad about it, sometimes hitting a brick wall is what you need for a breakthrough. You can break your own heart but you can fix it.
Give yourself the gift of true insight because true insight is hardcore authentic self-love.
Insight is true love
As they say “love conquers all’ but insight does nothing for you unless you do something about it. I did something about it and found my husband. You can read about it here:
It was written during the time when I really thought we were going to get a divorce. We are not; Insight saved my marriage and can save your love life too whether you are single or not.
Have courage and love abundantly because the fear of love is going to f*ck up your love life… guaranteed!
