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Abstract

chedules with the kids and various times we would each need to leave the house this week. We discussed the political events of the day as well as various things our Facebook friends had posted. We talked about the progress of his hair transplant surgery. At one point he showed me a meme saying this whole Capital Building coup was to distract from Nicolas Cage stealing the Declaration of Independence.</p><p id="e09c">Joseph and I got along great during this conversation. I laughed hysterically at the meme. We agreed on a friend of mine who drank too much of the Trump Kool-aid (<i>upset over the removal of Confederate statues because homeboy was nice to his slaves</i>). He told me how he made a huge leap in asking another dude to grab a coffee and chat since he never makes new friends.</p><p id="dcac">I figured this was as good a time as any to bring up the topic of dating. I wanted to stay firm on my goal of speaking to Joseph about it at the start of the new year.</p><p id="28d0">“Sooooo…I wanted to throw something at you but I want you to know that if you disagree with it, I won’t push the subject. I’ll drop it. Just hear me out.”</p><p id="c53f">Joseph was all ears. I begin with an apology. “I’m sorry for pushing dating so quickly after the separation. I just wanted to rip the band-aid off and get everything out of the way.”</p><p id="5c72">I can see his eyes well up with tears. Geezus. Please don’t let this be a melodramatic night.</p><p id="3778">“It was callous and insensitive of me”, I continue. “It wasn’t respectful of your feelings and honestly, it was downright cruel. I shouldn’t have done that and I’m sorry.” Channeling what I think Jon should tell his quasi-ex-wife who he dumped and got a new girlfriend while still living under the same roof. And still sleeping with her. I digress.</p><p id="e046">In the past, I was terrified to bring up controversial topics for fear of Joseph’s temper. Fuck that noise.</p><p id="7f04">“I was thinking: if we agree that it’s okay to date later this year, then it would seem kind of weird if we make it September and then immediately September 1st one of us is dressed up to go out.”</p><p id="51e2">I tell him how a better strategy might be to open it up now in our contract. Since I’m traumatized from my urgent care visits last year to get tested (<i>the actual test wasn’t the part that traumatized me</i>), I told him that I’m not running out to date anyone. But if it’s in the contract already, then it’ll be more of an organic thing to get used to it by the time we <i>do</i> start dating other people. By then it won’t be weird because it’ll have been in the contract the entire time anyway.</p><p id="fbf5">That’s…logical. Right?</p><p id="1a29">Joseph tells me how he is unequivocally uninterested in dating. That it won’t go well. I tell him that I follow a chick on <a href="https://readmedium.com/im-too-old-for-tiktok-b171f811a381">TikTok</a> who hilariously breaks down men’s dating profiles and that in comparison, he looks like a Harvard lawyer in a profile. Joseph still insists that he tried it in the past (<i>a decade ago, when we separated</i>) and it wasn’t for him. Aside from that he doesn’t have to meet someone online, I practically volunteer to create his profile for him.</p><p id="332b">I’m a good quasi-ex-wife like that. I’ll make my husband’s dating profile epic.</p><p id="c2b9">I also try to slide in that he once said he didn’t trust me not to break the contract. That way it’s already there, and there’s no need to even worry about that.</p><p id="d3b2">Joseph still declines my proposal.</p><p id="830c">True to my word, I tell him that I’ll drop the subject. Joseph says he’ll be willing to talk about it again in three months. He was quick to point out he isn’t saying six months like this was a huge compromise. I agreed, mentally noting that I’ll still bring it up next month anyway.</p><p id="991d">So I technically can’t date per the contract that I’ve already broken. But I can still chat it up with guys, easily dodging meeting up when Orange County is on its fifth straight week of skyrocketing COVID numbers.</p><p id="9bc3">I had whipped up a quick Tinder profile just to see what was out there and whether I needed to be concerned that I’m cute, but by dating standar

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ds, I’m old as fuck (<i>I’m in my early forties</i>). My age would filter me out from any guy’s search query. I had “swiped right” on a bunch of guys in a mindless daze, basing my criteria on the guy’s looks, occupation, or profile humor.</p><p id="6efd">After Joseph leaves, I log in to see what the deal was with these guys. For anyone not in the know of Tinder, you can’t (<i>I think</i>) message someone unless they also select you as a match. It also prevents people from spam copying/pasting the same spiel to every female’s inbox.</p><p id="a01e">It looks like every guy I had swiped right on did the same with me. That was unexpected. I know on <a href="https://readmedium.com/what-i-learned-about-men-as-a-fetish-star-d6e9c842a458">a fetish or adult dating site</a> I could easily get attention (<i>I know how to pose from the neck down with little to no clothes</i>) but I wasn’t so sure when it was Rated F for Family pictures. I only had two pictures posted, not even any of my full body. Overwhelmed, I stop to text one of my only friends who knows about the separation with details on the volume of messages I received.</p><p id="6cda">I went through and audited out a bunch of guys since I’m enough of a catch that I don’t need to waste my time with people I’m not interested in. Then I tackle the mobs of messages, all with a line at the end that I can’t reply asap because of kids and work. It seems guys think you’re not interested if you don’t message back within an hour, sheesh.</p><p id="b5be">A bunch of guys asked me in various coy to blunt ways if I’d like to go out with them. I tell each of them the same answer: yes, but I’m paranoid and I’d like to wait until the COVID numbers stop rising each day. That’ll probably turn off a ton of them who have no desire to just chat for a long time, but I’m not putting myself at risk of exposure. (<i>Have I conveyed how traumatized I am from the testing process? Because I am. Very.</i>) Plus, with the ongoing heartbreak from Jon’s communication with me yesterday, I wanted to make sure <a href="https://medium.com/heart-affairs/the-clich%C3%A9-of-figure-out-what-you-want-after-a-breakup-1e19cb4ea040">I approached people with a clear mind</a>.</p><p id="fba7">I’ve entered 2021 agreeing to the terms of the Parenting Marriage contract. There is no rule against chatting. There is no rule against planning to meet someone. The rule is against dating.</p><p id="26a3">And that, Your Honor, is how I’m handling the plaintiff’s text in the contract.</p><div id="6385" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/all-the-times-i-had-crappy-sex-fd933200a407"> <div> <div> <h2>All the Times I Had Crappy Sex</h2> <div><h3>Adventures of times I wish I stayed home.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*QqooJGg7Idy83tM6)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="fa89" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/im-a-40-something-female-terrified-of-my-expiration-date-2e991962dc0b"> <div> <div> <h2>I’m a 40-Something Female Terrified of My Expiration Date</h2> <div><h3>It’s getting harder to stop from becoming invisible.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*1Ty_0UZ82HFjuc9m)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="b622" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/dear-men-what-women-want-703a9a5666cf"> <div> <div> <h2>Dear Men: What Women Want</h2> <div><h3>It boils down to this</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Dj8TNKlPyriiw6Di)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Negotiating With Your Separated Ex About Dating

I present my case, Your Honor.

2020: woohoo, I’m the worst year ever!

2021: hold my beer.

We’re seven days into the new year and it already feels like a decade. I’m back to attempting Day 1 of No Contact with Jon. We ended our affair six months ago and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, I can’t seem to fall out of love with him. To my defense, he contacted me. But it was emotionally charged and today I feel like I’ve been beaten with a bat.

This is the perfect time to add more drama by talking to my quasi-ex-husband about dating other people, right? I have no real term for Joseph; we separated but we’re under the same roof raising our kids in a Parenting Marriage while we ride out this pandemic. It’s bad enough that my kids can’t see their friends, go to class, have fun anywhere. I’m not removing their home stability either. It was absolute chaos when I first broke up with him. For now, things are calm.

As part of our arrangement, we have a contract. It describes things like the division of finances, how we talk to our friends about it, and new relationships. For now, it says “no dating”.

I didn’t agree to it at first. Maybe I wanted to find someone immediately to distract me from Jon since he had already moved on. Maybe I wanted to rip the band-aid off and get all the separation stuff over with, as much as we could given our living constraints.

It caused dramatic meltdowns and I backed off upon the recommendation of our divorce counselor. She told me she would work on things with him 1:1 so that he would feel more confident in the dating world. My husband wasn’t just heartbroken about losing me; he insisted no one would ever want to date him and that he wouldn’t find anyone. So I agreed to the terms of no dating.

Like the asshole I am, I broke that rule last year by seeing someone. I couldn’t emotionally handle that the last person I had sex with was someone I loved who was already sticking his dick in someone else. That’s not how I was going to ride out 2020. (Let me make it clear that I very much enjoyed the company of the guy, I wasn’t using him to cross off a checklist item.) It barely lasted a few months before I ended things.

With newfound bravery, I told myself I would discuss this again with my quasi-ex-husband in 2020.

Which I did.

Tonight.

At 1 am.

After a day of domestic terrorists staging a coup led by the president.

We were both up late but in separate rooms. As we do now every night. Well, also a lot like we did before the separation. Him in the living room watching TV with me in the bedroom, researching “sedition” and “plausible deniability” like the non-legal expert that I am.

He came in to brush his teeth when he saw the bedroom door open and the lights on. Joseph keeps a spare toothbrush in the kids’ bathroom for the times the lights are off and I’m in bed. He doesn’t come in.

We chat a bit about upcoming schedules with the kids and various times we would each need to leave the house this week. We discussed the political events of the day as well as various things our Facebook friends had posted. We talked about the progress of his hair transplant surgery. At one point he showed me a meme saying this whole Capital Building coup was to distract from Nicolas Cage stealing the Declaration of Independence.

Joseph and I got along great during this conversation. I laughed hysterically at the meme. We agreed on a friend of mine who drank too much of the Trump Kool-aid (upset over the removal of Confederate statues because homeboy was nice to his slaves). He told me how he made a huge leap in asking another dude to grab a coffee and chat since he never makes new friends.

I figured this was as good a time as any to bring up the topic of dating. I wanted to stay firm on my goal of speaking to Joseph about it at the start of the new year.

“Sooooo…I wanted to throw something at you but I want you to know that if you disagree with it, I won’t push the subject. I’ll drop it. Just hear me out.”

Joseph was all ears. I begin with an apology. “I’m sorry for pushing dating so quickly after the separation. I just wanted to rip the band-aid off and get everything out of the way.”

I can see his eyes well up with tears. Geezus. Please don’t let this be a melodramatic night.

“It was callous and insensitive of me”, I continue. “It wasn’t respectful of your feelings and honestly, it was downright cruel. I shouldn’t have done that and I’m sorry.” Channeling what I think Jon should tell his quasi-ex-wife who he dumped and got a new girlfriend while still living under the same roof. And still sleeping with her. I digress.

In the past, I was terrified to bring up controversial topics for fear of Joseph’s temper. Fuck that noise.

“I was thinking: if we agree that it’s okay to date later this year, then it would seem kind of weird if we make it September and then immediately September 1st one of us is dressed up to go out.”

I tell him how a better strategy might be to open it up now in our contract. Since I’m traumatized from my urgent care visits last year to get tested (the actual test wasn’t the part that traumatized me), I told him that I’m not running out to date anyone. But if it’s in the contract already, then it’ll be more of an organic thing to get used to it by the time we do start dating other people. By then it won’t be weird because it’ll have been in the contract the entire time anyway.

That’s…logical. Right?

Joseph tells me how he is unequivocally uninterested in dating. That it won’t go well. I tell him that I follow a chick on TikTok who hilariously breaks down men’s dating profiles and that in comparison, he looks like a Harvard lawyer in a profile. Joseph still insists that he tried it in the past (a decade ago, when we separated) and it wasn’t for him. Aside from that he doesn’t have to meet someone online, I practically volunteer to create his profile for him.

I’m a good quasi-ex-wife like that. I’ll make my husband’s dating profile epic.

I also try to slide in that he once said he didn’t trust me not to break the contract. That way it’s already there, and there’s no need to even worry about that.

Joseph still declines my proposal.

True to my word, I tell him that I’ll drop the subject. Joseph says he’ll be willing to talk about it again in three months. He was quick to point out he isn’t saying six months like this was a huge compromise. I agreed, mentally noting that I’ll still bring it up next month anyway.

So I technically can’t date per the contract that I’ve already broken. But I can still chat it up with guys, easily dodging meeting up when Orange County is on its fifth straight week of skyrocketing COVID numbers.

I had whipped up a quick Tinder profile just to see what was out there and whether I needed to be concerned that I’m cute, but by dating standards, I’m old as fuck (I’m in my early forties). My age would filter me out from any guy’s search query. I had “swiped right” on a bunch of guys in a mindless daze, basing my criteria on the guy’s looks, occupation, or profile humor.

After Joseph leaves, I log in to see what the deal was with these guys. For anyone not in the know of Tinder, you can’t (I think) message someone unless they also select you as a match. It also prevents people from spam copying/pasting the same spiel to every female’s inbox.

It looks like every guy I had swiped right on did the same with me. That was unexpected. I know on a fetish or adult dating site I could easily get attention (I know how to pose from the neck down with little to no clothes) but I wasn’t so sure when it was Rated F for Family pictures. I only had two pictures posted, not even any of my full body. Overwhelmed, I stop to text one of my only friends who knows about the separation with details on the volume of messages I received.

I went through and audited out a bunch of guys since I’m enough of a catch that I don’t need to waste my time with people I’m not interested in. Then I tackle the mobs of messages, all with a line at the end that I can’t reply asap because of kids and work. It seems guys think you’re not interested if you don’t message back within an hour, sheesh.

A bunch of guys asked me in various coy to blunt ways if I’d like to go out with them. I tell each of them the same answer: yes, but I’m paranoid and I’d like to wait until the COVID numbers stop rising each day. That’ll probably turn off a ton of them who have no desire to just chat for a long time, but I’m not putting myself at risk of exposure. (Have I conveyed how traumatized I am from the testing process? Because I am. Very.) Plus, with the ongoing heartbreak from Jon’s communication with me yesterday, I wanted to make sure I approached people with a clear mind.

I’ve entered 2021 agreeing to the terms of the Parenting Marriage contract. There is no rule against chatting. There is no rule against planning to meet someone. The rule is against dating.

And that, Your Honor, is how I’m handling the plaintiff’s text in the contract.