I’m Too Old for TikTok

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ing through…so it’s an app for people to watch other people lip sync to the same five songs while flailing their arms around. They all have some twitch that makes their eyes look coyly to the side like they’re flirting with me across the room as they punch their arms in the air and clap their hands at the camera.Oh wait, my bad (is it still cool to say that?). There’s so much more to TikTok. You can “duet” with existing videos so then there’s two people flailing their arms, looking to the side, punching their arms, and clapping their hands while moving to the same five songs.Scrolling a bit more. It seems there’s a type of dance that TikTok kids call Shuffle. Not to be confused with what we old people call The Shuffle. It’s the Running Man dance move but to a song called “Rawston_”. Every video has the underscore, so who am I to judge the use of this diacritic character? This type of music is called EDM (Electronic Dance Music). EDM sounds a lot like regular music except…um, I’m not quite sure. It sounds like regular music to my old lady ears.Wait, did I just swipe and pass Bruce Willis making a video? What the fresh hell was that?More scro

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lling. I think I’m getting the gist of things. I need to make videos where I’m dancing the Running Man or flailing my arms in an organized fashion while lip syncing to specific songs. Pfft. I got this.No. No, I don’t got this. I just noticed that these dance videos require a bikini. Why are all these girls wearing bikinis when dancing and why do their waists make Instagram influencers look obese? And why are they wearing masks while half-naked when they’re clearly in their own backyard?Scrolling some more. Now there’s women showing off their microscopic waists and then demonstrating their workouts while they girlishly laugh as their dogs jump on them. How absolutely unexpected of their pets to show up.So TikTok is a place to see bikini-clad girls doing the Running Man to some Rawston_ song and showing their workout routines, with the added bonus of Bruce Willis eating cereal scattered randomly between videos.Fuck this shit.Fuck the newfangled dance moves. Fuck the bikinis while I’m eating pandemic cookies. Fuck EDM. Fuck Bruce Willis and his handsome facial scruff. I’m crawling back to my cave and getting back on Facebook.</article></body>

By “old” I mean, over 29

Ugh. Really? After years of avoidance, I finally got my ass on Instagram. Ooohhh, look at all the shiny pretty people with filters, zero stomach fat, and thigh gaps. Ooohhh, look at the endorsements from Z-list celebrities to drink Skinny Tea and other bullshit organic beverages displayed from a stainless steel bottle labeled #BossBabe.

And now you fuckers want me to switch to an app called TikTok? Fine. Fine. Ugh. Fine.

There. I installed it. So what if it scours my phone for banking passwords? “Whatevs” as the cool kids say (or I think, since I don’t know any cool kids). Account security isn’t as important as making groovy videos for strangers. I may be as old as a crypt keeper but I can keep up with hip mobile trends.

Okay…scrolling through…so it’s an app for people to watch other people lip sync to the same five songs while flailing their arms around. They all have some twitch that makes their eyes look coyly to the side like they’re flirting with me across the room as they punch their arms in the air and clap their hands at the camera.

Oh wait, my bad (is it still cool to say that?). There’s so much more to TikTok. You can “duet” with existing videos so then there’s two people flailing their arms, looking to the side, punching their arms, and clapping their hands while moving to the same five songs.

Scrolling a bit more. It seems there’s a type of dance that TikTok kids call Shuffle. Not to be confused with what we old people call The Shuffle. It’s the Running Man dance move but to a song called “Rawston_”. Every video has the underscore, so who am I to judge the use of this diacritic character? This type of music is called EDM (Electronic Dance Music). EDM sounds a lot like regular music except…um, I’m not quite sure. It sounds like regular music to my old lady ears.

Wait, did I just swipe and pass Bruce Willis making a video? What the fresh hell was that?

More scrolling. I think I’m getting the gist of things. I need to make videos where I’m dancing the Running Man or flailing my arms in an organized fashion while lip syncing to specific songs. Pfft. I got this.

No. No, I don’t got this. I just noticed that these dance videos require a bikini. Why are all these girls wearing bikinis when dancing and why do their waists make Instagram influencers look obese? And why are they wearing masks while half-naked when they’re clearly in their own backyard?

Scrolling some more. Now there’s women showing off their microscopic waists and then demonstrating their workouts while they girlishly laugh as their dogs jump on them. How absolutely unexpected of their pets to show up.

So TikTok is a place to see bikini-clad girls doing the Running Man to some Rawston_ song and showing their workout routines, with the added bonus of Bruce Willis eating cereal scattered randomly between videos.

Fuck this shit.

Fuck the newfangled dance moves. Fuck the bikinis while I’m eating pandemic cookies. Fuck EDM. Fuck Bruce Willis and his handsome facial scruff. I’m crawling back to my cave and getting back on Facebook.