Dear Men: What Women Want

It boils down to this.

This article will ruffle feathers. At best it’s old school and at worst, it’s misogynistic. I’ve got no shame in my game.

While having a moderate existential crisis the other day, I pondered over relationships and deep down, what women want. What makes us feel safe, loved, desired, and cherished?

We want to be worth fighting for.

Apologies if you have Mulan’s A Girl Worth Fighting For in your head now.

When I say “fighting for”, I don’t mean in the sense of playing games. Don’t rush out and break up with your boyfriend in hope that he’ll charge at your door with flowers and smooth jazz. Also, we don’t want men to stalk or aggressively pursue us if we reject them. This is for consensual relationships.

By “fighting for”, I mean making the effort even if it’s harder than the status quo. That it may take some life adjustments. That they're willing, like you, to put their heart on the line on the leap of faith that what you can build together is worth the potential heartbreak.

Women want to know they’re worth fighting for when things go south. The loss of a job, death of a family member, illness, and other things that throw a wrench in a relationship.

When things go south, will you bail? Or will you work through it because she and what she brings to the relationship is worth it? Fighting for her gives her a feeling of security when the relationship hits a rough patch.

We want you to fight for us when our insecurities creep up. Not in the Girl-You-Need-Therapy-For-Those-Insecurities kind of way of creeping up.

Being a woman is tough. When we’re not battling Imposter Syndrome, we’re tackling the pressure of being mothers, wives, bosses, sexpots, household doctors, family CEOs, and every other role under the sun. Sometimes, we crack around the edges. And we want to know that our guy will fight for us when we’re struggling to lift the load the world puts on us.

We want a man who fights for us when we don’t have any fight left in ourselves.

There was a time when I fought for guys too. It’s different for guys because they’re typically the pursuer. Cue the rants that men shouldn’t be the pursuers…listen, ladies, they can impregnate hundreds of women in the time it takes for us to make one child. They’re better wired for the hunt than most of us.

Do you remember the famed book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” from two decades ago? There was one point made that holds true today: if a guy wants you he’ll make it happen. If he lost your number, he’ll knock on every door to find you. In other words, if a man wants to be with you he’ll stay and fight to keep you both together.

My husband is trying to do that now but it feels twenty years too late. I needed him to fight to keep me all the times he pushed me away, physically and emotionally. His words are hollow now despite his tears saying otherwise. I’m no saint and I equally contributed to the downfall of our marriage, but when I needed him to fight for us, he turned away.

I’m not a believer in games, those antics from high school are long over. I want to know that being with me is more valuable to someone than not being with me. That walking away from me hurts them on the inside, so much that they’ll push ego aside to keep me and us together.

Fighting for me means giving up vices that wouldn’t keep me: smoking, other women, toxic jobs. It’s a sacrifice of many in hope that little old me is enough to make up for it.

The times that didn’t happen hurt like a bitch. It can’t be forced; if it’s not meant to be then so be it. But when deep down you were sure they would fight to keep you, its a slap in the face and feels like you weren’t worth it. Its a crushing blow to feel like someone or something else was more important.

In the end, its a matter of wanting to feel like we’re special and you recognize it. Unlike the other girls, we’re worth it even if it’s not the easy path.

I shouldn’t have to convince anyone (not that I’m so egotistical that I walk around like I’m a princess who thinks she’s a gem worth fighting for). And I won’t try to. I just have to hope my actions and my intentions are enough.