Fan Fiction The Way We Like It: Janis Joplin, Lord Nelson, Brer Rabbit, and AOC

Gutbloom: Welcome to you all. Please take a seat and we’ll try to get through this as quickly as possible.

Brer Rabbit: I hope you’re not going to make me talk in the gullah dialect.

Gutbloom: I couldn’t if I tried.

Brer Rabbit: Excellent.

AOC: Where are we and why won’t my Twitter feed work?

Gutbloom: Well, Congresswoman, this is “Fan Fiction the Way We Like It” in which I put together a caste of characters and try to use them as ciphers to say things I want to say. Usually it doesn’t work out and I end up with five to six minutes of pointless dreck.

Janis Joplin: What happens if it works?

Gutbloom: We have group sex.

AOC: Ew

Lord Nelson: Will you be serving any sherry?

Gutbloom: No, and there will be no buggery on this ship.

Lord Nelson: Double “Ew” (high fives AOC)

Brer Rabbit: Do anything you want to me. I don’t care what you do. Skin me alive, make me sing Disney songs, just DON’T THROW ME IN THE BRIAR PATCH. (Makes brief face of fear, widening his eyes and grimacing to show his teeth) Also, you can get on Twitter, AOC, if you click on the link to the proxy server I set up. I’ll send it to you.

Gutbloom: Do not click on any link the rabbit sends you.

Lord Nelson: England expects every rabbit to do his duty.

Janis Joplin: This is unraveling fast. I don’t think you have an idea here, Gutbloom. What this all about?

Gutbloom: Well, I’ve been binge reading about Woodstock, so I hoped we could talk about that, but I thought it would be more interesting if you and AOC got into a fight about Israel.

Lord Nelson: What is Israel?

Brer Rabbit: Yea, what the fuck is Israel?

Janis Joplin: Why me?

Gutbloom: Because you’re Jewish.

Janis Joplin: I thought you prepared for these things by reading our Wikipedia entries.

Gutbloom: I did.

Janis Joplin: According to Wikipedia, I was raised Church of Christ.

Gutbloom: (starts shuffling through the papers on his lap) I could have sworn you were a Jew.

AOC: Why me?

Brer Rabbit: I think I can answer that.

Gutbloom: Because you’re a member of that Jew-hating posse that Trump always talks about.

AOC: Do you mean “The Squad”?

Lord Nelson: I think the anti-Semite in the room is our host in the bowler hat. (points at Gutbloom)

Gutbloom: Me? I love Jews.

AOC: Gutbloom, when a guy like you says, “I love Jews,” it means that he is a total fucking anti-Semite.

Gutbloom: But I love Israel. You gotta give me that. (looks up from his notes.) Fuck, I meant to get Grace Slick! I wanted Grace Slick. How did this happen?

Brer Rabbit: Can we leave now? Your Crossfire episode on Israel isn’t happening, and neither is the orgy.

Gutbloom: Can we at least talk about Woodstock? Let’s go around the horn and each name our favorite performances. OK? I’ll start. Santana’s Soul Sacrifice.

Brer Rabbit: Easy. Sly and the Family Stone, Dance to the Music.

Gutbloom: Really, how did you see that?

Brer Rabbit: I was there, man.

AOC: Melanie’s cover of Bob Dylan’s Mr. Tambourine Man.

Lord Nelson: Grateful Dead’s St. Stephen.

Janis Joplin: The Band’s Chest Fever.

Gutbloom: You guys are trolling me. Each of you picked a performance that is neither on the soundtrack nor in the movie, knowing full well that I am obsessed with the other performances at Woodstock.

AOC: Maybe you should give up fan fiction? It doesn’t seem to be making you happy.

Gutbloom: Stop doing something just because it is unpleasant and doesn’t work? Never. Gonna. Happen.

Lord Nelson: (looks at his watch) Eight Bells. Time to go.

Gutbloom: Let me just say this in closing. Janis, I really did read your Wikipedia entry and found it heartbreaking. I am a huge fan of yours, and while I know you weren’t happy with your performance at Woodstock, I’m really glad that at least some of it made it into the director’s cut of the movie. How I wish you had lived long enough to be one of the overweight, gray-haired, super rich hippies pontificating about the festival on the 50th anniversary. You certainly deserved that.

Janis Joplin: It’s OK, man. I’m whole now. Shalom.

Gutbloom: You played “Raise Your Hand” at Woodstock, didn’t you?

Janis Joplin: Yes, I did.

Gutbloom: Do you mind if I link to your duet version with Tom Jones? It’s one of my favorites.

Janis Joplin: Go ahead.

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