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Abstract

to tell others why someone is setting you on edge, it often sounds so trivial. As the words are coming out of your mouth, you find yourself thinking, “Wow, I probably sound super paranoid.”</p><p id="2b40">So, instead of going with your gut, you tell yourself the innocent explanation must be the correct one. You keep going along with it.</p><p id="2666">All those pink flags only start looking red once you’ve seen enough of them — <b>once you’ve noticed a clear pattern emerging.</b></p><p id="a47d">Depending on how experienced you are at dealing with people’s shit and how overt the asshole you’re dealing with is, it could take hours, days, months, or years before you piece it all together.</p><p id="619a">Recently, I had someone reach out to me who gave me kind of weird vibes. I felt like he was laying the groundwork for something (what exactly, I don’t know, but something).</p><p id="dc34">First, he reached out with some effusive praise on one of my articles. But he did it as a private message, not as a regular response.</p><p id="6e44">That made me a bit ill at ease. But I had a hard time really understanding why. I mean, private messages are a thing, and he didn’t say anything off color in it.</p><p id="a878">The private messages kept coming. I ignored them (can’t clap on private messages and I had nothing to say), but had the same odd feeling that I couldn’t fully explain.</p><p id="0ced">Eventually, he gave me some effusive praise and I thanked him. He responded within an hour asking if we could talk off Medium. Ostensibly, it was so we didn’t have to deal with the character limit (though there would have been none if he had just sent me regular responses).</p><p id="75b2">I decided to check out some of his stuff. The first thing that stood out was a very misogynistic article. And then I came across not one but two love letters he wrote to an unnamed Medium writer, each of them with a strong stalker vibe. (I don’t know if they were about me or not, but either way, they were creepy.)</p><p id="b8fb">When I told him I didn’t want to move my relationships with my readers off Medium, he made up an excuse and backpedaled. He claimed he was a professional sex coach and only wanted to offer me some advice about my clitoris.</p><p id="d078">Then, before the day was over, he went back to a post I wrote weeks before called <a href="https://readmedium.com/no-one-owes-you-a-chance-bef1a3ac4072">No One Owes You a Chance</a>. He left a lengthy response that implied that women who don’t give him a chance (e.g. me, just earlier) are bitter, angry, heartless bitches.</p><p id="9b52"><b>Yeah, his intentions were <i>totally </i>professional…</b></p><p id="fe6b">At that point, I cut communication with him before he could try to take things further. I blocked him. He deleted his response. And I hope that’ll be the last of it.</p><p id="0089">Now, given everything I know now — especially those super stalkery posts — it’s clear to me that the private messaging was a red flag. It’s also clear that asking to communicate off Medium is a bit of a red flag here. It’s quite likely he was laying the groundwork for something.</p><p id="a8c5" type="7">But up until that point, each of those individual actions seemed kind of innocent. Pink flags at best.</p><p id="682a">And that’s another way women “ignore” red flags — because each of them on their own doesn’t look that bad.</p><h1 id="3135">“Not All Men” Men Need to Sit the Fuck Down</h1><p id="f59f">There’s one more reason women ignore red flags. <b>We’re constantly being told we should.</b></p><p id="ec92">One big part of the problem is all the men who cry out “Not All Men” whenever women discuss the shit they deal with.</p><p id="c488">We have a lot of reasons for sharing our stories — it’s cathartic, it’s healing, and it helps us bond and understand each other.</p><p id="640e" type="7">It’s also a way of issuing warnings.</p><p id="2010">It’s because we share our bad experiences that we know about fuckboys and how to spot them. Or what to do if our boyfriend turns out to be a narcissist. Or that “Nice Guys” often have a total disregard

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for our sexual consent.</p><p id="02c9"><b>That shit’s fucking critical.</b></p><p id="4234">I didn’t have those kinds of conversations when I was younger and I didn’t have access to them online. So, I ended up in some risky situations, or got too close to guys who deep down did not give a shit about me, because I was figuring it all out on my own.</p><p id="8542">But now when we finally share our stories so that we can show each other (and clue some guys in) the red flags and pink flags we need to be mindful of, we keep hearing from men who are annoyed that we’re painting them with a broad brush.</p><p id="3147">Sometimes they don’t say “not all men.” Sometimes, they say that we should give guys a chance even if we feel weird. Sometimes, they say it’s not fair that they get treated like potential rapists just because they were being really forward because damnit they mean well.</p><p id="9486"><b>But in the end, what they’re doing is telling us not to trust our instincts. </b>They’re telling us that we need to give men the benefit of the doubt. They’re telling us to set aside our gut feelings because following them might mean we’re judging a decent guy too harshly.</p><p id="a9f5" type="7">And that’s one of the reasons women ignore red flags — because we’re constantly told we should, even when protecting men’s egos puts us at more serious risk.</p><p id="440e">I’m sure it sucks being treated with suspicion, but there’s a reason we have to be suspicious even if it has nothing to do with you personally. Those guards she’s putting up — the ones that make it trickier for you to interact with her — <b>they might be the only thing keeping her from being abused or having the worst night of her life.</b></p><p id="0515">So if you ever feel like a woman is unfairly treating you like a potential threat, understand that she has to put her safety first. <b>She deserves your empathy, not your contempt.</b></p><p id="cbb2"><a href="https://emmaaustin.substack.com/p/welcome-to-my-newsletter"><b><i>Let’s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter</i></b></a><b><i> (I won’t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)</i></b></p><p id="0320"><b>❤ If you liked this post, you might also love:</b></p><div id="c7dc" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-real-reason-shes-not-being-honest-with-you-76ebab3ff50c"> <div> <div> <h2>The Real Reason She’s Not Being Honest With You</h2> <div><h3>She wants to be straightforward — it’s just not safe</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*5gk1jvdsTLP_qzsFVPr3tg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="17a8" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/men-hitting-on-women-online-need-to-up-their-game-8c077ca48fc"> <div> <div> <h2>Men Hitting on Women Online Need to Up Their Game</h2> <div><h3>It’s not hard — here’s how to do it</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*M_wLC7GCweb2S5mI8TLexw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="0e7a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/signs-your-new-boyfriend-might-be-a-narcissist-e55b2e6d7e2b"> <div> <div> <h2>Signs Your New Boyfriend Might Be a Narcissist</h2> <div><h3>After years of narcissistic abuse, I’m on the lookout for red flags</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*xekbc_KPuOOC_xD8maW9Kw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Fan Fiction The Way We Like It: Darth Revan and Kenneth Clark

Diversity Comes to the Mill

[This is a reprint from Aug. 2015.]

Teio, the Tahitian woman in charge of buildings and grounds here at the Mill, recently pointed out that although we’ve published some fan fiction on Medium (such as the conversation between Gandalf, Bob Dylan, and Abe Lincoln) none of the folks appearing in our fan fiction have been African-Americans. “Absurd,” I said, “what about the round table we held with the black characters from Lord of the Rings?” A review of the records proved that she was right. It turns out our fan fiction is whiter than Woody Allen’s first 37 movies. To remedy this… oversight… we’ve invited educational psychologist Dr. Kenneth Clark to join us tonight along with Darth Revan, the villain from the upcoming Star Wars movie The Force Awakens. Shit! I forgot to say, “spoiler alert.” Spoiler Alert!

Darth Revan: Who is Kenneth Clark?

Gutbloom: A famous educational psychologist. His research was cited in the Brown vs. Board of Education decision and he was instrumental in the decentralization of the New York City public schools.

Darth Revan: Decentralizing the New York City Schools is nothing to be proud of.

Gutbloom: Since when does Darth Revan know anything about The New York City public schools?

Darth Revan: I grew up in Brooklyn.

Gutbloom: Where in Brooklyn?

Darth Revan: Bed-Sty, but it was nice when I lived there.

Gutbloom: It’s nice now.

Darth Revan: Really? Shit, I knew we shouldn’t have sold the house.

Gutbloom: We should start talking to Kenneth Clark, that’s what this is supposed to be about.

Darth Revan: Why did you pick Kenneth Clark?

Gutbloom: He’s deceased and I figure his family is too busy to sue us. Good evening, Dr. Clark.

Dr. Clark: Good evening. What am I doing here and who is he? [points to Darth Revan].

Gutbloom: This is “Fan Fiction the Way We Like It”, you’re here because you are black and that is Darth Revan.

Dr. Clark: Darth Revan isn’t black, is he? What’s he doing here?

Gutbloom: He’s here because a new Star Wars movie is going to be released in December. We thought we could get a little bump in the ratings by having him here.

Dr. Clark: Wow, that’s almost as insulting as what you said to me.

Gutbloom: Dr. Clark, is it true that you were living in Hasting-on-Hudson, NY when you died?

Dr. Clark: Yes, that’s true.

Gutbloom: Really? I grew up in Hastings.

Dr. Clark: It’s a very nice town.

Gutbloom: Did you ever eat at the Center Restaurant?

Dr. Clark: Yes I have.

Gutbloom: What did you have?

Dr. Clark: I don’t know. This is your fan fiction… why don’t you just tell me what I had?

Gutbloom: You had a cheeseburger royale. Wasn’t it great?

Dr. Clark: It was excellent.

Gutbloom: That’s so cool. Dr. Kenneth Clark has gone to the Center Restaurant and had a cheeseburger royale.

Darth Revan: Have I ever had a cheeseburger royale?

Gutbloom: No, no. You eat baby hearts or something.

Darth Revan: Dude, you’re an asshole. I’m never coming to your fan fiction again.

Gutbloom: Don’t make me take out a light saber and kick your ass.

Darth Revan: You couldn’t do that.

Gutbloom: Sure I could.

Darth Revan: It wouldn’t be believable.

Gutbloom: Trust me. I’d make it believable.

Darth Revan: Not possible. Hey! Where did Dr. Clark go? Did he leave?

Gutbloom: He can’t leave unless I let him go.

Darth Revan: That’s pretty funny because he’s not here. [opens light saber].

Gutbloom: That’s it, we’re going to the literary equivalent of a commercial and YOU’RE NOT COMING BACK.

Others in this Series:

Fan Fiction the Way We Like It: My Interview With Steve Bannon Fan Fiction the Way We Like It: Ice Cube, Eeyore, and Serena Williams Fan Fiction the Way We Like It: Abe Lincoln, Bob Dylan, and Gandalf