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Elon Musk Acquires Medium
You heard it here first!
After his protracted takeover of Twitter, Elon Musk today announced he is also acquiring Medium.
He informed an astonished CEO Tony Stubblebine this morning via a SpaceX satellite link.
In his statement he said
I have acquired Medium to help humanity.
— E. Musk, Somewhere in Space, November 2022
The Fee
The amount paid is undisclosed, but analysts agree it was nowhere near the $44 billion he overpaid for Twitter. And was more likely nearer the figure Kayne West will have to spend buying up excess stock of his Adidas Yeezy range.
Asked whether he would be participating in the Medium Partner Program, Elon laughed. ‘Are you serious?’
Top Medium publications breathed a sigh of relief at this news. Many were fearing they would have to instruct their editors to remove their content moderation guidelines in order to allow free speech.
‘Worse still,’ one told me. ‘If Elon started writing on Medium, we might have to include photos of Teslas. This will infringe our nudity policy.’
Not everyone is as prudish though. Editor-in-Chief of The Haven, Christine Stevens, says she would welcome Elon Musk with open arms.
‘After all,’ she said, ‘Our publication’s motto is A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk. It might be that Elon can find a home after all.’
So what happens now?
Rumour has it that Elon will not be firing 75% of the workforce like he has proposed to do at Twitter.
Instead, he has promised to focus his energy on getting rid of the top Medium writers who — he claims — cream off 75% of the money.
‘This,’ he said, ‘is totally unacceptable. No writer should make money.’
Top writers Tim Denning and Jessica Wildfire condemned his comments, and threatened to leave.
A statement from Musk’s spokesman dismissed their words: ‘We’ve heard this all before.’
It has also been reported that the $5 a month fee will increase to $20 with immediate effect.
‘Most writers,’ the spokesman went on, ‘have wasted so much time on Medium already, they’re not going to quit now!’
He has a point.
Reaction
Other writing platforms such as Substack and Vocal have been tight-lipped over the announcement. Mainly due to concerns that they might be next.
An offer from Jeff Bezos to buy Substack in exchange for Amazon Prime vouchers was recently turned down by the company. During negotiations it was discovered that the deal only included Standard Delivery, and not Next Day delivery. Talks are continuing.
Media commentators have aired fears that Musk plans to take over all writing platforms to form a huge, all-conquering empire similar to SpaceX.
Names as to what this goliath might be called, have already started circulating. One favourite is FuckAll! Mirroring the amount writers might earn on such a platform.
Logo
Will Medium still be called Medium?
Early reports suggest a name change is almost certain. With Elon spending the weekend flicking through synonyms of the word ‘medium’ on Thesaurus.com in the hope of finding an alternative.
Sources say, however, that he is unimpressed by the options the English language has come up with, and is looking for something more personal.
One leaked document I’ve just received (rather slowly) via his new broadband service, points us in the right direction.
— Just remember, you saw it here first!
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