Don’t Worry About Followers, They’re Probably Bots, Anyway

The quest to find writing fulfillment while jonesing to keep up with the social media Joneses

If you want to be part of the 1% who make a lot of money on this site, this article is for you.*

I started writing on this platform in the Social Media Time Unit of Our Lord and Corporate Overseer 696 B.M. (before money).

As I rise on this glorious social media time unit of 1138 A.P.P. (after Partner Program), I wanted to send out a message of hope when it comes to growing a massive and loyal group of followers.

You probably know that writers with a huge number of followers have a much higher chance of making a lot of money on their stories.

As the rules of the game continue to change, just know this: if you thought Medium was fucking with you before, you ain’t see nothing yet.

No matter how well you write, or how much you’ve accomplished, everyone is seduced by the desire for more.

If I told you that your writing career would include writing a column for the New York Times, contributing to a series of books that have sold a bez-illion copies (that’s Amazon-speak for a lot), and publishing several books, you would be ecstatic, wouldn’t you?

All that, and you would also be a member of good standing in Medium’s Magic 7 Club, that 5–7% of the writers who earn over $100 per month, toiling away in a virtual sweatshop, a.k.a. your laptop, tablet, or phone. Cool, huh?

But would you be satisfied?

Of course not.

That’s why my spiritual sister, Roz Warren, wrote “Medium is a Race… And I’m Losing!” Even though she asks when will we “realize that the only race that really matters is the Human Race,” there’s still a tinge of unfulfilled desire.

Look, we all know the grass is always more RGB #00ff00 on the other side of the road displayed on your monitor.

I get it and I sympathize, which is why I calculated the literary value of a story written by Schrödinger’s cat. (And, by extension, you, dear reader.)

What you do has meaning and value, even if it doesn’t meet some externally determined result that is completely out of your control.

Remember, the saying does not ask ‘if a tree falls in a forest and less than an arbitrarily desired number of people (determined by the tree’s current popularity and mood at the time — was the tree in a particularly needy place in its life at the moment of truth?), hear it, did it make a sound?”

In this world, there are far too many cases where a person with no real skill can bullshit their way to wealth and fame.

But enough about Agent Orange and his army of almost 74,000,000 brainwashed, armed-to-the-teeth followers who might stage a political coup, let’s stay focused on the vital subject at hand, which is how to build a large base of loyal followers.

Now while I am not a mind reader, let me claim to be one, as I interpret and amplify that wistful whisper floating around the back of Roz’s mind:

How can [insert name of Medium mega super star] get paid that much for the donkey drool he writes every day? Goddamn it, my donkey drool has been published in the New York Fucking Times!

At least, that is how I imagine it.

Because I can’t believe the donkey drool that attracts thousands of fans by making ridiculous, snake-oil-salesman claims with no scientific basis.

I’m sorry, but the “Laws of Attraction” don’t get a seat at the same dinner table with evolution, gravity, and relativity.

Why do we listen to salesmen and ignore scientists?

Maybe that’s why the pandemic body count is over 254,000 as I write this.

You can be a viral sensation and make nothing, or touch other people and make nothing. The choice is yours.

Reuben Salsa wrote a great article, “Here’s The Trick To Going Viral On Medium… WARNING: It will destroy your soul.”

I have to give him some props because his methods produced repeated successes. Far more than the advice of all those content marketers who are trying to sell you their programs and books.

I’ve had similar success by using following the other path.

I work on my craft, do my research, and write stories to help other people that don’t make me feel dirty.

Of course, I make even less money than Reuben.

If you want to make more money, there are so many better ways to do it than being a hamster on the Medium wheel.

My friend P.G. Barnett became a recovering Medium addict after going cold turkey, writing how he has gone “from dreams of glory to a cautionary tale.”

What makes Medium special is how other peoples’ perspectives can expand our awareness and the friends we make here.

But the act of writing is what draws us back like moths to the digital flame.

It haunts us like an old Doors song (sung to the tune of Riders on the Storm).

Hamsters on a wheel Hamsters on a wheel We write the things we feel To find a way to heal Like a book without a deal You know our pain is real Hamsters on a wheel

For most of us, writing is a passion, perhaps an addiction, and there’s a reason for it: like playing an intense tennis match, exercising for over 20 minutes, or engaging in the world’s oldest and still favorite sport, writing releases endorphins.

And that’s why I encourage you to think of yourself as a pro athlete who rides a keyboard instead of a surfboard, dunks with ideas instead of a basketball, and scores in the way that counts the most.

Okay, besides in the bedroom.

I can’t stress enough the importance of learning to value process over results. Process is internally generated and within your control, while results involve external feedback from factors and people over which you have very little control.

As a writer, you can’t control how the algorithm works, or the personal tastes of the curation corgis and the general public.

But you can control how much time and discipline you put into mastering your craft, how often you write, and how you feel about the process as you do it. And if that makes you happy, hamster away.

Because in the end, to paraphrase my good friend Gutbloom:

Don’t Worry About Followers, They’re Probably Bots, Anyway.

FOOTNOTES:

*As with every sales pitch, it’s the fine print where they get you.

You see, I’m talking about finding fulfillment in writing for the 99% who want to be part of the 1%, not how to join that group of big earners.

I’ve already worked out the odds and we have about as much a chance of winning the lottery as we do of making ten thousand dollars a month on Medium.

With a lot less work.

I remain a proud member of the unwashed masses as I work in the soup lines of writing, handing out meager sustenance to anyone in need.