Do You Feel Judged As a Mother? Here’s How You Can Protect Yourself

We can’t stop people from criticising us. But we can minimise its impact on our mental health.

“My mother never complained.”

“This is what you signed up for. No one said it was easy.”

“Just get on with it.”

“Why are you still breatsfeeding?”

“You are too soft on your kids. They need more discipline.”

“I would never do that with my children.”

If you’re a mother, you have most likely heard the above statements or variations of them. It’s even more likely that you have felt these things being implied in people’s attitudes towards you.

If you have ever felt judged for the way you parent, you are not alone.

Motherhood is one of the roles in society that is judged the most. In fact, a study in 2016 shows that 90% of mother feels judged for the way they parent. Sadly, a lot of mothers in this study felt this judgment was coming from people that are supposed to support them, such as friends and family.

Unfortunately, we cannot make people treat us in the way we need and deserve. Often we have to put up with unsupportive people in our lives, especially if they are family members, and it can really take a toll on our mental health. Here’s how you can protect yourself and begin to take judgment less personally.

When people judge, it says more about them than it does you

“Every time I judge someone else, I reveal an unhealed part of myself.”

― Joy Marino

In “When People Judge: Why It’s Not Really About You” by Martina Weiss, she explains that we all judge people, and the main reason we do this is to feel better about ourselves because we are lacking self-acceptance in that department.

This makes sense when you see mothers judging each other. Motherhood is a thankless job where we are hardly ever told we are doing it right. It’s understandable that we seek a way of making ourselves better. And the easiest way of making ourselves feel good enough is to judge other moms. It can feel satisfying and reassuring to say to ourselves “Oh I would never do that” or “I’ve never had that problem with my children.”

I’m not a particularly judgmental person, but I have judged other mothers. Did this mean they were bad mothers or that I was a better mother? Absolutely not. I was judging because I felt insecure about that particular issue myself. And I’m human. Humans judge each other all the time.

Sometimes people seem judgmental because they think they are helping. This often comes from family members, spouses, and friends. If we reflect, we have all been that person at some point in our lives. I know I have. My intention was never to make someone feel bad about themselves.

Once I realised all humans judge each other, feeling judged got a bit easier to deal with. Instead of assuming the judgment was personal and accurate, it started to see it from their point of view. To this day judgment still hurts me, but it’s easier to let it go.

You are not a bad mom for having “bad” thoughts and feelings

Did you enjoy every moment of your life before motherhood? No, of course, you didn’t. So it’s okay if you aren’t enjoying every moment of your life as a mother. In fact, it’s impossible.

It’s easy to label certain thoughts and feelings as “bad”. When I found myself enjoying having a break from being a mother, I felt guilty. When I was looking forward to going back to work so I could have some sense of identity again, I felt ashamed. And when I wasn’t enjoying motherhood or had thoughts of not wanting to be a mom anymore, I felt downright awful. I was terrified of what people would think if they knew how I was feeling.

In times of stress, it is perfectly normal to have negative thoughts and struggle to enjoy things. In fact, they are very common symptoms of stress. And motherhood is particularly stressful. A 2019 survey found that mothers are 40% more stressed than other people, particularly if they are in employment.

It’s not just working moms who experience stress. Stay-at-home moms often suffer from depression due to the stress of their undervalued role:

“The reality of many SAHMs: balancing the vast task of raising children and running a household while simultaneously fending off comments about how it must be so nice and relaxing to not have to go to work.”

It’s hard to talk about these thoughts without judging ourselves in anticipation of others judging us just as harshly. There’s pressure to “enjoy every moment” of motherhood and “just get on with it.” Recently, I was told to “just get on with it” when I was struggling with balancing motherhood with work. I couldn’t help but feel they were missing the point.

It wasn’t that I had decided to not get on with it. I was “just getting on with it”. I had been “just getting on with it” for some time, and that was the reason why I was having these thoughts and feelings.

Rather than labeling these thoughts and feelings as bad, it can be helpful to see them as signals telling you that you have unmet needs. You can read more about this in my article on mom rage:

It’s okay if you don’t know what you are doing

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual and it’s normal to feel like you are winging it. When I was pregnant, I asked a colleague some questions about parenthood. To my surprise, she answered: “Laura, I have three kids and I still don’t know what I’m doing.” And the longer I’ve been a parent, the more I have realised that nobody knows what they are doing. Some people are just good at pretending.

Unfortunately, it’s easy to put pressure on yourself to be the perfect mother who naturally knows how to do everything in order to avoid judgment. And when we have experienced judgment for the way we parent, it influences how we speak to ourselves. Whether this is verbalised or remains in our thoughts, it’s important to be mindful of the tone and words we are using. If we don’t, we can easily develop an inner critic who is much harsher than the people who judge us.

When my inner critic was particularly harsh, I found it harder to deal with outside judgment. Even the judgment of parents in the media got to me. I realised I was bullying myself constantly, which left me with little resilience to cope with the odd judgmental comment from others.

Warren Cann, a psychologist, and CEO of the Parenting Research Centre, suggests that parents are so hard on themselves because they expect themselves to naturally know how to do everything and be the perfect parent:

“Evidence is consistent with the idea that parents are not born, they’re made. And parents are made through the process of being a parent. They’re learning on the job. They’re developing as they go.”

We don’t expect our children to get everything right. We understand that mistakes don’t define them. The same goes for us as mothers.

Find a source of support

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a support network. This can make the loneliness that comes from judgment particularly difficult to deal with. But it is important that you find a source of support from somewhere. This can even be an online support group or filling your Instagram feed with influencers who are positive and relatable parenting role models.

You may believe you are alone and that no one else will understand. But there are many mothers out there who feel the exact same way. When I joined a support group and generally became more open with my mom friends, I was surprised to find out they felt the exact same way as I did. In fact, they were relieved I had said it first.

Be a source of support

Be the mom friend you needed when you felt judged. Reassure other moms. Validate their experiences. If it’s safe to do so, show solidarity when they are on the receiving end of judgment.

I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw a lovely photo one of my mom friend had taken of their toddler playing outside. I saw a comment that sounded particularly judgmental. It read: “where are her gloves?!” My mom friend over-explained in her reply about how her daughter kept pulling her gloves off.

I felt her anxiety. I recognised it from times I over-explained my parenting. I simply commented that my daughter does the exact same thing and I cannot for the life of me get her to keep them on. She heart reacted to my comment, and I knew I had helped to make her feel a little bit better. And it reminded me that although I sometimes feel like I am the only one being judged, the reality is every mother experiences it.

My hope is by not repeating the pattern of judging other mothers in the way we as mothers have been judged, we can create a more nurturing culture. As mothers, we do our best nurturing when we feel nurtured ourselves.

Remember you are a good mother

You probably don’t think you are. But don’t believe everything you think. What you are most likely feeling bad about is that you aren’t the perfect mother. It’s easy to believe that judgment is caused by not being perfect. This isn’t true and it’s important you remember that perfection doesn’t exist. And our children don’t need perfect mothers. They need mothers who love them and try their best. And if you have chosen to read this article, it’s more than likely that you love your children very much and you care about doing what’s right for them.

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one”

-Jill Churchill.

For more on motherhood: