You Are Not Obliged to Enjoy Every Moment of Motherhood

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1977

Abstract

I complain about my day it makes me a bad mother who doesn’t deserve to have a child.I don’t sleep. My boobs look like the ears of a cocker spaniel. My floof looks weird. My tummy is like an apron. I’m 80% stretch marks. I stink of baby sick. I haven’t shaved my pits in weeks and I look like I’ve got Bob Marley in a headlock. I spend most of the day sniffing my child’s arse to determine whether that was poop or just a fart. I never have time to eat. Getting out of the house is a military operation. My child fights sleep because she has serious FOMO, so I hardly have time to take a minute to attend to my basic needs. R.I.P taking a piss when I actually need a piss.It’s hard. I know I signed up for hard, but nothing prepared me for it being this hard.I feel like I’m not allowed to complain about how shit it is some days. But sometimes she won’t stop screaming and it’s like she hates me. Some days I can’t find any clothes that fit and when I do she pisses or vomits on them. I can go a whole day without managing to do anything in the house yet I will feel exhausted.Even just typing this makes me feel like an awful mother. I’m having to fight back tears. I feel so guilty and like I will be judged. The weight of this obligation to be perfectly happy all the time makes me feel like I’m going to explode.In the beginning, I would paint on a smile and say “I love it!” whenever someone asked how I was finding motherhood. And I wasn’t lying, I do love being a mom. But I was also scared, overwhelmed and exhausted. And I still am. But I felt I couldn’t say this. I felt obliged to never complain or show any hint that I was struggling.Motherhood can be completely and utterly shit at times. It’s easy to feel isolated and like you are losing your identity. You feel constantly judged by society. The anxiety you feel when you can’t stop your baby crying in a publ

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ic place is like no other. It feels like people are circling you with clipboards, making notes on how long it is taking you to figure out why your baby is screaming.Life is not catered to mothers in any way. Going back to work and fitting it around motherhood can be tricky unless you have a good employer. Having any sort of hobbies, although encouraged by the self-care brigade, are impossible to keep up. When are you supposed to find the time to read a book or have a bubble bath? And on the rare occasion when you do find the time, society had conditioned you so much that you feel guilty for enjoying time away from your child.This obligation to be the perfect mom who never says a bad word about motherhood is a huge contributor to the levels of maternal mental illness. I strongly believe that if I hadn’t felt so crushed by the obligation to be super positive 24/7 then my mental health wouldn’t be in such a state.<figure id="f742"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*nCH8xMJ0MkcjFSUT.png"><figcaption>Image from the <a href="https://maternalmentalhealthalliance.org/about/the-issue/">Maternal Mental Health Alliance</a></figcaption></figure>I love that I get to be a mom to my lovely little girl. Anything I achieve in the future will be nothing compared to her. She is the love of my life. But I don’t enjoy every moment of my new life. And that’s okay because I’m not obliged to enjoy every moment in order to be a good mom. A good mom is someone who can be honest about her feelings and knows when to ask for help.I am struggling. I feel under pressure. I need help.Today is the day I break free from this obligation to be perfect. The only obligation I have is to take care of myself so I can take care of my daughter. And by telling the truth, no matter how hard it is for people to hear, is fulfilling that obligation.</article></body>

The pressure to feel positive about every aspect is toxic

“Enjoy every moment.”

If you’re a mother, you have most likely heard this a thousand times. Variations include “Enjoy it while they are still little because they’re not little for long” and “Enjoy this because before you know it you will be back at work.”

Well, I’m not enjoying every moment. And I am finally realising that I don’t have to.

The pressure to be perfectly happy all the times is part of the reason why I have postnatal depression. I am a first-time mom and I naively expected that I would enjoy every minute of motherhood. But there are times when I think to myself: “What the actual fuck have I done? I can’t do this. I’m not cut out for this shit.” And I feel so guilty that I have dark thoughts of my daughter being better off without me.

Motherhood isn’t the best job in the world. A job where I do little and get paid a lot would be the best job in the world. A job where I don’t get projectile vomited on would be the best job in the world. A job where atiny person doesn’t cough milk into my mouth or piss all over my jeans would be the best job in the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom. I love my daughter and I love that she is mine. I’ve waited for her for so long and I am so glad that she is finally here that I could cry. But it doesn’t mean that I have to love every single thing about being a mom. Or that if I complain about my day it makes me a bad mother who doesn’t deserve to have a child.

I don’t sleep. My boobs look like the ears of a cocker spaniel. My floof looks weird. My tummy is like an apron. I’m 80% stretch marks. I stink of baby sick. I haven’t shaved my pits in weeks and I look like I’ve got Bob Marley in a headlock. I spend most of the day sniffing my child’s arse to determine whether that was poop or just a fart. I never have time to eat. Getting out of the house is a military operation. My child fights sleep because she has serious FOMO, so I hardly have time to take a minute to attend to my basic needs. R.I.P taking a piss when I actually need a piss.

It’s hard. I know I signed up for hard, but nothing prepared me for it being this hard.

I feel like I’m not allowed to complain about how shit it is some days. But sometimes she won’t stop screaming and it’s like she hates me. Some days I can’t find any clothes that fit and when I do she pisses or vomits on them. I can go a whole day without managing to do anything in the house yet I will feel exhausted.

Even just typing this makes me feel like an awful mother. I’m having to fight back tears. I feel so guilty and like I will be judged. The weight of this obligation to be perfectly happy all the time makes me feel like I’m going to explode.

In the beginning, I would paint on a smile and say “I love it!” whenever someone asked how I was finding motherhood. And I wasn’t lying, I do love being a mom. But I was also scared, overwhelmed and exhausted. And I still am. But I felt I couldn’t say this. I felt obliged to never complain or show any hint that I was struggling.

Motherhood can be completely and utterly shit at times. It’s easy to feel isolated and like you are losing your identity. You feel constantly judged by society. The anxiety you feel when you can’t stop your baby crying in a public place is like no other. It feels like people are circling you with clipboards, making notes on how long it is taking you to figure out why your baby is screaming.

Life is not catered to mothers in any way. Going back to work and fitting it around motherhood can be tricky unless you have a good employer. Having any sort of hobbies, although encouraged by the self-care brigade, are impossible to keep up. When are you supposed to find the time to read a book or have a bubble bath? And on the rare occasion when you do find the time, society had conditioned you so much that you feel guilty for enjoying time away from your child.

This obligation to be the perfect mom who never says a bad word about motherhood is a huge contributor to the levels of maternal mental illness. I strongly believe that if I hadn’t felt so crushed by the obligation to be super positive 24/7 then my mental health wouldn’t be in such a state.

I love that I get to be a mom to my lovely little girl. Anything I achieve in the future will be nothing compared to her. She is the love of my life. But I don’t enjoy every moment of my new life. And that’s okay because I’m not obliged to enjoy every moment in order to be a good mom. A good mom is someone who can be honest about her feelings and knows when to ask for help.

I am struggling. I feel under pressure. I need help.

Today is the day I break free from this obligation to be perfect. The only obligation I have is to take care of myself so I can take care of my daughter. And by telling the truth, no matter how hard it is for people to hear, is fulfilling that obligation.